25 Years of Love and Togetherness

Time flies.. It feels just like yesterday that we got married, and this month we are completing 25 years of our married life . It is a very special moment for us that brings back a flood of happy memories and pleasant thoughts. Our marriage has been a great teacher to us that has helped us evolve into better people as we went through this exciting journey together. We experienced a roller coaster ride with happiness and joy at one end and disappointments and setbacks at the other. I  know I can not capture a lifetime of memories in one blog and I will not try it either. So, I just offer a random sample of thoughts that are jumping around in my mind.

Learning to live together

This may sound simple, but is the most important lesson during the first few years of marriage. I was a loner for more than ten years before marriage, and learned the hard way that when you start to live together, you have to get used to sharing your personal space and reconciling different preferences. Do you keep the window open or closed? The Fan should be at low or high? TV should be in bedroom or hall?  Working through such numerous minor differences may not have been easy, but only a loner knows that having someone besides you is such a marvelous feeling that it makes it easy.

Learning to love

We have discovered over the years that our true love is a major force that has lifted our life out of ordinary. Did this feeling of love "happened" to us all of a sudden jab we met, as is often portrayed in movies? Certainly not. We were really awkward at it in the beginning, not knowing what to expect, say or do. With passing years, we found out that "love" is a verb, not a noun. Love does not happen to you, but you choose to love someone. Ability to love someone deeply needs to be developed like any other skill with careful effort over a long period.

Suppressing the desire to reform other

We have helped each other improve significantly over the years. However, in the first five years, there was a strong desire to "reform" each other. Gradually, we realized that there is no point in my imposing my attitudes and beliefs on her, and she forcing her likes and dislikes on me. Believe me, even after so many years, this tendency still raises its head once in a while. 

Accepting each other

We are human, with our own strengths and flaws. When you come really close to someone, as was inevitable in the second phase of our married life, you get to know about both the good and bad points about him / her. Accepting your spouse as is without any pre-condition is the first rule of marriage, which is very often violated.

Overcoming male ego

In this age and time, if you do not view your spouse as equal due to misplaced male ego, you are settling for just half the fun. However, this takes a conscious effort to control your ego, particularly in situations in which the rush of adrenalin may spur you to assert your supremacy. We have all heard the old wisdom that the husband should be the "boss" of the house. Well I would say that yes, I am the "boss" in my house, and I have my wife's permission to declare it. :)

Bringing up kids together

This is when the truly enjoyable and meaningful part of our life began. It is hard to describe the ecstatic feeling of a parent when Divya was born; It felt as if our world was suddenly filled with perpetual joy and laughter. Later on Siddharth joined in, increasing the joy many fold. Its funny, but your respect for your own parents shoots up as you become a parent yourself. While we brought up the kids, there is no doubt that they were helping us learn and grow as parents. If you ask them how old their parents are, the right answer will be as old as they themselves. We became parents only when they were born. We look back with satisfaction when we see them doing well in life and living out the values that we hold dear.

Your family + My Family + Our family = our universe

One thing that is common between us is that we both are blessed with a wonderful family that stays together through thick and thin and enjoys each other's company. As I was working in Tata Electric, we had to live far away from our families in Mumbai for more than ten years, meeting them only once or twice a year. But after that we decided to take the plunge and I switched jobs to return back closer to home. More than ten years have passed and there have been both sweet and bitter experiences in these years, but looking back, I can say without hesitation that this has been the best decision of our life. (Though we do miss the Mumbai friends all the time)
We feel proud and lucky to be a part of the wonderful family group "The Great Jwalapur Gang", where the love and bonhomie has to be seen to be believed. We tried to replicate this success story in Ghaziabad and Meerut families with moderate initial success and our efforts in this direction continue. After all, the family is our universe, and you can not imagine living outside your universe !

Be a source of support in tough times

Like everyone else, we had our share of rough patches - when Neenu went through a critical attack of Malaria, or when I went through the mid-life crisis, or when Neenu had to be on complete bed rest for the entire duration of pregnancy. In such times of crisis, we found a new source of support - we rediscovered each other. We found that when one of us needs support, the other person turns strong and offers an inexhaustible source of strength. I would say that this phenomenon is more prominent in a marriage than in any other relationship, as it is based on a solid understanding and commitment.

Making a Home

Every bird builds a nest for its family, and we tried very hard for many years to have a nest of our own. Finally when we moved in our first house in 2003, we were overpowered by a strong mix of emotions, since it was a long standing dream come true for us. Suddenly the feelings that it's mine takes over, and you start to set up your home in accordance with your dreams and beliefs. Our home truly reflects who we are, not who we are trying to become or portray. Its a place where you love to come back after a long day's work, and can really let your hair down with friends and family.

मेरे घर का सीधा सा इतना पता है, मेरे घर के आगे मोहब्बत लिखा है
न दस्तक ज़रूरी न आवाज़ देना, मेरे घर का दरवाजा कोई नहीं है  

Understanding each other

This is probably the most difficult part, and we have started to come to grip with it only recently as we have started graying. Do I listen to her emphatically in an attempt to understand? Do I understand her body language? Do I know what she likes and dislikes? Do I know what are the values that she holds high? Do I know the true feeling behind that apparent argument? I do not have all the answers but I am sure that this is a key aspect in any marriage.

Getting to understand women

Like every other man, I have also tried to understand women over the years, and have learnt the most fundamental lesson of my life - don't ever try it :)

Synergy - the whole is greater than the sum of two parts

Much have been said about compatibility of partners in a marriage, but I believe that its an over-rated factor. Couples like us with complementary nature may benefit from the diversity that it brings. There are areas where I am strong and there are skills in which she has mastery. When we work together, our complimentary skills come together in a way that one plus one equals four or five or even ten at times. We do not resent or oppose the differences between us, but we celebrate them, and use them to come out with a better end result. Looking back, I can proudly say that there are numerous things that we have done together that was not possible for either of us to do alone. However, negotiating differences is not always an easy task, and we do not claim to have mastery over it yet.

Enjoy each other's company with complete silence

 कुछ न कहो, कुछ भी न कहो
क्या कहना है, क्या सुनना है
मुझको पता है, तुमको पता है
This is the ultimate stage in a relationship when nothing needs to be said.

I have a lot more to say on this topic and I can go on and on, but I will stop here. In conclusion, I look back with complete satisfaction at this roller coaster ride, and wait with anticipation for the excitements and surprises that life brings to us in the coming years.