A Different Kind of Bank Account

Why do we enjoy close relationship with some people while strained relation with others? Why do we find it hard to get our point understood by some people in-spite of all efforts? There are always people in our life with whom we want to improve our relationship, but don't know how to go about it.

The answer lies in the metaphor of the Emotional Bank Account by Stephen Covey, one of the most powerful ideas ever created for the development of interpersonal relationships.

Imagine you have an “Emotional Bank Account" with anyone with whom you have a relationship at home or at workplace. Like any bank account, you can make deposits and withdrawals in it, that makes its balance go up or down. However, the balance in this account represents the trust level between the two of you.

When we make deposits into someone’s Emotional Bank Account, their trust level in us grows, as a result our relationship develops and grows. If we can keep a positive reserve in our relationships, by making regular deposits, there will be greater tolerance for our mistakes and we’ll enjoy open communication with that person. On the contrary, when we make withdrawals and our balance becomes low or even overdrawn, bitterness, mistrust and discord develops. If we are to salvage the relationship, we must make a conscious effort to make regular deposits.

Some of the ways of making deposits into Emotional Bank Account are as follows:

1. Understand the Individual
This is a basic requirement for making a deposit. If we do not understand someone we have no idea what will be an emotional deposit and what will result in a withdrawal. Truly understanding someone is not always that easy. Understanding someone requires us to wholly and completely concentrate on what the other person is trying to say, not reloading, just waiting to fire off our response.

2. Make and Keep Promises
When we break our promises to others, we make major withdrawals from their Emotional Bank Accounts. A promise builds up anticipation, and our balance goes up with every promise that we keep.

3. Clarify Expectations
There is nothing more frustrating in a relationship than not understanding what is expected of you. It’s important that the person with whom you are dealing with, knows exactly what is expected of them. Doing this will keep them out of the dark and allow them to relate you confidently, knowing that what they are doing is in line with your expectations.

4. Give and Receive feedback

Do not keep building pent up feelings of resentment in your heart. Take time to openly talk to each other and exchange feedback. Make sure to be receptive to the feedback that the other person provides to you.

5. Be Loyal to the absent
Never talk ill of people behind their back.

6. Use Patience and Persuasion in place of force

Imagine a situation that you have a serious argument on an issue with someone and you want him to agree with you very badly. Instead of using force, it is easier to pull to win him over into an agreement. Invest as much time as required to have a dialog with him about the contentious issue. Make it clear as you start the discussion that he does not have to agree with what you say. Take pains to listen emphatically with an open mind and understand how he sees it. Only after you understand him, then talk about how you see it, and why you believe it to be this way. Keep your patience and invite him to share his objections or concerns about your view. Iterate over the process and do not attempt to hurry. Serious differences in opinion take a lot of time to sort out – give it the time that it needs. In my own experience, on numerous occasions I have seen it work like black magic. It is not that you would always succeed in having your opinion prevail, but you will emerge with a better mutual understanding of the issue and arrive at the best decision together. And a pleasant side effect is that both the parties embrace the outcome  fully now, without any residual bad feeling, making the relationship between the two of you stronger in the process.

7. Attend to the Little Things
Little courtesies, kind words and warm smiles are at the heart of the little things that brighten up a relationship. It shows recognition and an awareness of others. It’s interesting, but within our relationships, if you want success, it’s the little things that really become the big things.

8. Apologize Sincerely after a withdrawal
We all make mistakes as a part of life. Knowing when you are wrong and admitting your mistake prevents the wounds that you’ve caused in others from festering and allows them to heal. When appropriate, sincere apology will keep your relationships accounts in the positive, allowing you to maintain the balance that has been created in your relationship.

9. Forgive others when we are hurt
When other hurt us, we need to take initiative to forgive them to take the relation forward. It is not the snake bite that causes the damage, but the chasing of the snake that drives the poison in. There is no point in holding a grudge against anyone

Read this follow-up post to know how we can grow the balance in Emotional Bank Account.
How to Grow Emotional Bank Account Balance