A Positive Look at Conflicts

I have a strong opinion about everything, and this often gets me into a conflict at work, at home, or in the society. Can there be anything positive in such conflicts ? Come on! what can be positive about two persons fighting bitterly? Are you not taking this positive attitude thing too far?

I have seen many people who are a pro at handling conflicts, ending up with good results even in the midst of heated arguments, and keeping the relationship intact. Unfortunately, I am not one of them, though I want to be one. Watching them in action, I often wonder if there is any inherent talent that makes them click while given the same situation I would have either offended the other person badly to get my way, or given in to compromise on my goal.

I have also seen that life throws a lots of such conflicts at me regularly. On some days I can put my point across in a manner that it is seen and accepted by others, but on other days I argue and fight with no resolution, or give up to be the loser. At times, such inter-personal conflict can be really frustrating as it gets me stuck - "Why does he always have to be so unreasonable? Things will go so much smoothly if only we have agreement among ourselves."

When two of us work together on something, we have differences in our way of looking at the problem and its possible solutions. I know that it is this very difference that gives rise to synergy and create a far better result than what any one of us could have thought about on our own. I have experienced many such moments where as a team we could create wonderful things. But how do I harness this difference and make it useful before it goes out of control like a fire?

Researchers in human behavior have been working on this question for a very long period. Years back, Dale Carnegie came out with many tips on how to be effective in a conflict situation. Noted author Stephen Covey also stressed the need to think win-win and listen emphatically to achieve synergy when working with others. The Parent-Adult-Child model in Transcational Analysis given by Eric Berne tried to explain what goes wrong in these interactions. More recently, I came across a great book, "Crucial Conversations" by Kerry Patterson et. al. that should be read by everyone who is looking for an answer to this puzzle, because it not only analyzes the problem, but provides practical solutions that I can use.

This book defines that such conflict situations have three basic components - different opinions, high emotions, and high stakes. When I come out with my worst behavior in these conflicts, it is because the emotional reaction prepares my body for fight-or-flight response, that lowers my capacity to think at the moment. To achieve the best outcome from the conflict, I need to have discussion, share my view, understand the other view, get a sense of common purpose, and explore alternatives till we collect enough information to reach a decision. However, this flow of information is interrupted when one of us moves to silence (not sharing our view) or violence (attacking or forcing our view). For best outcome, my goal should be to try and stay in dialog and exchange views, and it is possible to do it.

The most important step is to learn to recognize the conflict at its first sign, so that I turn on my thinking cap, rather than be purely driven by emotions. Half the battle is won if I know that I am in the midst of a crucial conversation, and it is important to handle it carefully if I want a great result from it.

Another key action is to make it safe for others to share their views. Very often, the mutual respect gets lost in such a conflict, so the other person does not feel safe enough to share his view. Safety is also impacted when the two people are at cross purposes. I have seen that even on most touchy topics, when the dialog flows smoothly, it is because we maintain respect for each other and work on finding a common purpose.

How often do I manage to keep respect in a conflict? Do I convey disrespect by my words, tone, or expressions? Do I interrupt people and not listen to them? Do I tell myself stories about how the other person has got it all wrong and he is not listening to my reasonable ideas? It is these behaviors that are a sure shot recipe for my disaster in conflicts.

So, the problem is with me, not with anyone else.