Visibility of Your Kindness

Supriya was a very kind hearted woman. If anyone was in difficulty, she always helped the person. But she was also very vocal about her good deeds, and made sure to tell everyone about it. She gave alms to beggars outside the temple where everyone could see her kind act. But at times she did not help those who came to her house, due to the same visibility considerations. Everyone who knew her agreed without hesitation that she is a very kind and helping person.

Smita, on the other hand, was seldom seen doing any act of kindness. She did go a lot among the poor and visited slums and hospitals, but never told anyone about what she did there. All her neighbours including Supriya thought that she was a bit strange and not a vice person.
Unfortunately, while travelling together, the two of them met a fatal road accident one day, and died. As they reached the gates of heaven, Supriya was very optimistic of her prospects due to her good track record at earth. However, she was surprised to see that she was made to wait, while Smita was immediately admitted in heaven.

“What does it mean?”, she demanded from Chitragupt, “I have been so kind and charitable throughout my life, and helped so many people, yet you have let Smita in before me, who has done nothing. This is so unfair. I did not expect it to happen in God’s court”

Chitragupt smiled and replied, “Smita was kind to everyone she met. She was not rich, but she visited and helped poor and sick in many ways. However, she took pains to hide her good deeds from others. She did good, and suffered a lot on earth. So now, she gets the reward for her good karma.”

“And  what about me?”, asked Supriya, with a touch of irritation in her voice.

Chitragupt gave a stern reply, “All the good deeds you did were motivated by a desire to be appreciated and liked by others. You were always very particular about the ‘visibility’ of your kindness. So, when people at earth praised you, liked you, and said good things about you, you enjoyed all that attention, didn’t you?”

“Yes”, admitted Supriya, not sure about where it was heading.

“That was the reward for your good karma that you have already received at earth. In a way you have already encashed part of your karma on earth.”

Everything became crystal clear to Supriya, and she was filled with a feeling of regret, “If only I get a second change”, she thought. At that point, she heard a sound of a bell ringing at a distance. As the bell sound grew louder, she could recognize it to be a familiar sound.

Suddenly, she was woken up from her sleep by this sound of alarm bell, and she realized that she was seeing a dream. God! She was so relieved to find herself alive, and took a resolve not to worry too much about ‘visibility’ for her kind acts.

Secret of Happiness @ Work

Nalini worked as a nurse at a government hospital. Over time, she got fed up of dealing with ungrateful, complaining patients, back-biting among the hospital staff, and a demanding management. Finally she could not take it any more and decided to quit the job.  She was very friendly with another nurse Devina, so she shared her decision with her, pouring out all the complaints she had from the job.

Devina gave a patient ear to all her complaints and supported her decision to quit. However, she came up with a very unusual suggestion.

"Nalini, I want you to try a little experiment before leaving, just for the sake of fun. Take a resolve for the next one week to be extra accommodating for everyone, and bend over backwards to help everyone you encounter. No matter how someone looks at you, talks to you, or treats you, do your best to provide them service with a smile, and say only good things to them."

Nalini said, "I am not very sure what I would gain by following your advice, but I will be happy to follow it, as you say it is just for fun."

From next day, Nalini started doing what Devina suggested. She kept her focus on providing help and service to patients and co-workers, without expecting anything in return. Very soon, people coming in contact with her began to be overwhelmed with her courtesy, service, encouragement, and appreciation. Nalini started noticing that an amazing transformation is taking place all around her. Suddenly, the patients didn't seem so miserable, the staff no longer looked so hostile, and management started to appear more considerate.

Nalini kept at it for the whole week, and when she discussed it with Devina again, she shared her pleasant experiences as well.

"I wonder what caused this change Devina, suddenly everything around me in the hospital seems to be much better than before.", She said.

Devina said, "You experienced first hand an important law of nature. We do not have to change the whole world out there, but we should work on our own attitude and behavior. Let us look inside and see if the situation that gives us frustration is a reflection of our own attitude."

Nalini dropped the idea of quitting her job as she had found the secret of being happy in her Job.
  

Yes, I Have Changed

A friend teased me with a gibe, “You have changed now, are no longer what you were in good old past.” Usually, I tend to feel bad about such gibes, but this time, it got me thinking, “Is it really bad to change?” As I took a closer look, it was clear that I have changed over the years, but it is a mixed bag. In certain aspects, age has mellowed me down, while in others I have become more assertive. I find myself expressing vociferously on certain issues, whereas just shrugging and remaining silent at others. There are times when I just go crazy and times when I display wisdom. I list below many ways in which I have changed, and some of them are still work-in-progress.

Yes, I have changed. After years of loving my parents, siblings, spouse, children, and friends, finally I have learnt to start loving myself. I have realised that I do not have to act as if the burden of the whole world rests on my shoulders, and have started doing things that helps me create a happier life for myself and for those around me. After all, I am responsible for my happiness, and I owe it to myself.

I have learnt not to bother about my creased shirt or mismatched trouser. After all, personality speaks louder than appearances. I don't bother if my face is unshaven, or my hair have streaks of gray in them. After all beauty of my soul outshines the beauty of my face.

I am learning not to let others make me feel incompetent, as I am not only what they see in me. I might not be good at certain things but I am excellent at others. I walk away from people who don't value me, since they might not know my worth, but I do. I remain cool when someone plays dirty politics to outrun me in the rat race; I am not a rat and neither am I in any race.

I am learning not to be embarrassed by my emotions. it's my emotions that make me human. I now tell people if I like them, there is nothing wrong in liking someone.

I have stopped telling the elderly that they have already narrated that story many times. The story makes them walk down the memory lane and relive the past. I have learn not to correct people even when I know they are wrong; the onus of making everyone perfect is not on me. Peace is more precious than perfection. I started giving compliments freely and generously, since it is a great mood enhancer not only for the recipient but also for me.

I now stopped bargaining with poor vegetables and fruits vendors. After all, a few rupees more is not going to burn a hole in my pocket but it might help the poor fellow save for his kid’s school fees. I pay the cab driver and walk away without waiting for the change. The extra money might bring a smile on his face. After all he is toiling much harder for a living than me.

I have learnt to live each day as if it were the last. Who knows, it might be the last.

Yes, I have changed, and I am loving the new me!

Thoughts On Independence Day

Happy Independence Day to all of you!

We are celebrating 75 years of independence today. I was born in free India, so I have not experienced how it felt before independence, but I can easily imagine the excitement people of that time must have felt. It has been a long journey… we have come so far in these 75 years. Still as you look back, it is very likely that you may feel less than satisfied at our present situation. Even after so many years India as a country is struggling with some very nagging problems, and successive governments have not been able to deal with these issues, inspite of making tall promises.

• Progress of country has been sluggish and choppy on almost all the fronts.
• Rampant poverty and inequality continues to stare us in the eyes even today.
• Despite having a right to education in the constitution, we have not yet managed to provide the benefit of education to a large section of our population.
• People in power have raised corruption to the level of an art. Nothing seems to work to tackle this menace.
• Black money continues to be a major problem that is impacting our systems.
• Party after party come and go, but none is able to provide good governance.
• Hatred between communities and religions is touching a new high.

I can go on and on. With so many issues, is there no hope for our country?  Will there be no change ever? When will we get the leader who will lift our country out of this mess? Is democracy to blame for it, and will we be better off having a benevolent dictator rule us?

To find answer to these questions, let us take a look at the independence movement. Our struggle for self-rule was started by a few passionate freedom fighters who gave up their lives in their fight for freedom, but it was obvious that this small spark, even if it was very bright,  could not shake the roots of the mighty British raj. This spark became a big fire only when the entire country woke up and joined the independence movement. Only then we could gain our long cherished freedom.

The same applies to today’s situation as well; only when all of us rise and join the movement for change, things will start to improve. If we do nothing and just criticize others, we are part of the problem, not the solution. Let us resolve to be the change that we want to see in our country. By taking a small step every day, each of us can contribute towards the betterment of the country. There are numerous ways we can contribute:

• Look at the ways you can help the poor around you. Can you not help their children get access to education? Just try, and you will find many ways to help those who are less privileged than you.
• We think that a strong leader will eliminate all corruption with a magic wand, but do we stop and think before bribing an official to get our work done. Why can’t we do our bit by being corruption-free ourselves in day-to-day life?
• Similarly, why don’t we decide to stop dealing in black money ourselves? It is this parallel economy that feeds the corruption in politics.
• Why can’t we resolve to not get biased by the hateful propaganda by political parties to divide people for their electoral gains?
• If the government does not perform, we have a right to make it accountable. Why do we not take the power of our vote seriously? If only the voter become vigilant, political parties will begin treating him with respect and will stop taking them for a ride with unrealistic promises. 

You may ask, why should I do all of this while the problem lies with politicians, bureaucrats, and the system in general? My logic is pretty simple. If your house is on fire, do you wait for others to extinguish it or do you spring to action yourself? Similarly, our country is facing problems today that are much bigger than a fire. We can’t sit idle doing nothing about these problems.

Let us take a pledge today to bring a change in our attitude and behavior, to become an active participant in the development process, not an observer and critic, and to make our contribution towards a better India each single day. If each one of us do it regularly, it will soon become a massive movement which will be unstoppable.

Finally, I am leaving you with a ghazal that captures this thought in a poetic manner.

रात में कौन वहां जाए जहाँ आग लगी |
सुबह अखबार में पढ़ लेंगे कहाँ आग लगी |

The Power of Prayer

We know that prayer is a good practice, but do we really believe that prayers are answered? Are we not somewhat skeptical about how much it can help us? Read this inspiring story below that illustrates the true power of prayer.

Rahul was on his way to airport to catch a flight to Mumbai. This trip to Mumbai was important for him, as he was going to give the keynote address in a prestigious conference there. His presence was very much needed in Mumbai. Unfortunately, he got stuck in the Delhi traffic for more than one hour, and as he was about to lose hope of catching the flight, his car reached the airport. He came out quickly and rushed inside airport, and managed to reach the check-in counter in time. The airline staff helped him to go through the security quickly, and finally he boarded the plane, feeling relieved that he did not miss the flight.

As the flight took off, Rahul tried to catch some sleep. As a doctor, he had such a hectic schedule, that he used to look for all such opportunity to catch a few moments for himself.

His nap was interrupted about an hour later, as the captain was making an announcement. The weather was poor with heavy storm and lightening, and it was no longer possible to keep flying under the conditions. As a safety measure, the flight was being diverted to Surat and will wait there till the weather is clear.

He contacted the airline staff to check when are they expecting to fly again, but did not get a firm answer.  He complained in vain that every minute is valuable for him, and he must reach Mumbai today.

While he was thinking about what to do, a fellow passenger recognized him, “Dr Rahul Rastogi, the famous liver specialist, so nice to meet you sir!  Mumbai is not very far from here. You can take a taxi and go by road, it will take just about five hours. Rahul thanked him and started for Mumbai by road.

But the weather was bad; heavy rains and storm made it almost impossible to move forward on the road. The cab driver was trying his best to keep driving despite the challenging weather, but he was barely able to see the road. Suddenly, he noticed that they are alone on the road – there was no traffic around. Then he realized that he has missed taking a turn, and has lost his way. It was a deserted street, and there was nobody around to ask directions. The driver kept moving ahead with the hope of finding someone.

That’s when they came across a ray of hope – there was an isolated house on the side of road. Feeling relieved, he stopped the car in front of the house. Rahul got out of the cab and knocked the door.

“Come in. The door is open.”

As he went in, he saw an old woman, around 75 years old, who was sitting in prayer. Rahul waited patiently for her to finish her prayer, and then asked her:

“Maa ji, I have lost my way, and am stranded here. Can I use your phone please?”

The woman smiled, “Beta, I do not have phone or electricity here. This is a remote village. Please come in and make yourself comfortable. Let me give you something to eat and drink. Rest for a while before you continue your journey.”

She  got up and brought some food and tea for him. Rahul was feeling exhausted, so he thanked her profusely for the courtesy. While he was sipping the tea, he noticed a small kid wrapped in a blanket on a cot. 

Feeling refreshed after the tea, he said, “Maa ji, I am grateful for your kindness and help. I saw you praying when I came in. Please pray for me too, that the weather gets clear and I find my way. I am quite hopeful that your prayer will be accepted.”

She said in a humble tone, “I did not do any special favor. You are my guest, and God wants us to take good care of our guests. I will pray for you as well, God is great. He has always given me whatever I have asked for. I just have one more wish, I am sure He will fulfill it soon”

“What are you praying for?”, asked Rahul.
She said, “This is my grandson whom you see lying on the cot. He has lost both his parents, and I am solely responsible for him. Doctor says he has a serious liver disease, that they cannot treat here. When I asked them who can treat him, they named a famous doctor in Delhi, Dr Rastogi if I remember correctly. I do not know how to reach Dr Rastogi, and even if I take him there, will he agree to treat him? I am in a real difficult situation and I was praying to God to show me the way.”
Suddenly, there were tears in Rahul’s eyes, and as he tried to say something, he felt himself choking. With a lot of difficulty, he managed to utter a few words.

“Maa ji, God is great. He listened to your prayer, and created bad weather that grounded the plane, made me lose my way, so that I reach here on my own. I am Dr Rahul Rastogi, I consider myself fortunate to be able to treat your grandson.

I am not a religious person, but I have just experienced the power of prayer.”

As he looked outside the window, the weather had already started to clear up.

The Tea Spill

Imagine you are holding a cup of tea when someone comes along and pushes you or shakes your arm, causing you to spill the tea on the floor.

Ask yourself, why did I spill the tea ?

Well, because he bumped into me, of course.

Think carefully, is that the most appropriate answer?

You spilled the tea because there was tea in the cup.

If the cup contained milk, you would have spilled milk instead.

Whatever is inside the cup will come out.

Similarly, when life comes along and shakes you (which keeps happening every now and then), whatever is inside you will come out.

It is easy to fake it until you get rattled. So, you need to ask yourself, what is in my cup?

When life gets tough, what spills over? Joy, gratefulness, peace, and humility? Or is it anger, bitterness, harsh words, and actions?

You have the choice.

Starting today, let us work towards filling our cups with gratitude, forgiveness, joy, words of affirmation for ourselves and kindness, gentleness, and love for others, and that is what will come out of it at the time of stress.

My Three Reasons for Getting Up Early

I am an early riser, regularly getting up early in the morning every day. Though it is more of a habit now, but if I think carefully, since I started doing it, the practice has given me many benefits, keeping my motivation intact. Let me list three key benefits that I have experienced from it.

1. My Way of Staying Healthy

Waking up early has a very positive impact on my health. It gives me time to exercise, to go for a walk, do yoga exercises, or go to the gym with plenty of time at hand.

It also ensures that I have time in the morning for a proper breakfast. If I started my day late, I may have to rush for work, and may land up skipping breakfast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day for me, and I strongly believe that it prepares me to face the day and keeps me healthy.

Proper routine of exercise and diet are vital factors in ensuring good health in the long run. Therefore I can safely say that getting up early is my way of staying healthy.

2. Start the Day on a Positive Note

I have found from experience that to maintain a positive mindset, it is helpful to start the day on a positive note.  The fresh and serene early morning hours, the quietness in the air, the chirping of birds, the absence of traffic noise, and the majestic sun rise really brighten up my mood.

Getting up early gives me this much needed positive start, and charges me with a sense of optimism for the rest of the day.

3. Boost My Productivity

Starting my day well also helps me be more productive during the day. Studies have shown that early risers are more efficient and productive at work.

One think I strongly dislike is to rush myself. By getting up early, I manage to get ready on time, beat the traffic and drive to work at ease without rushing myself.

It also gives me time for myself in the morning, time to read newspaper, solve daily puzzles, or just do meditation. This time for myself helps calm my mind and sharpen my reflexes to arm myself for the busy schedule later.

Just try it out for a few days yourself. Get out of the bed early and you will experience the advantages of being an early riser. 

What is All This Stuff About Stress Management?

I have a love-hate relationship with stress. I can’t stand it, but I can't live without it either. There are times when I convince myself that the tension I feel actually helps me perform better. At other times when I am bogged down with excessive stress, I wonder if it is really all that helpful.

When we are under stress, our body gets tense, and we can feel the tension in different parts of our body. Our heart beats faster, and this causes a rush of blood circulation in large group of muscles like arms and legs. This tension is what makes us uncomfortable, and over time takes its toll on our health, giving us hypertension, ulcers, and much more.

Why does our body behave like this in stressful situations? This is our body's natural response to prepare us for a fight-or-flight response in a threatening situation. The tensed muscles and greater blood supply gets our body ready to take a physical fight or run away quickly from the threat. This was perfectly appropriate and necessary for man’s survival in primitive age. However, we live in information age today, and such response is not at all helpful for the mental tasks we have these days. When we are under tension, the blood supply to brain is reduced, and our capacity to think goes down. We are unlikely to take the right decision under extreme stress. In other words, to be effective, we need to learn to handle this 'extra' stress well, and keep it from going out of control.

Can you do something to bring this stress down and to be less tense in day-to-day life? From my experience, I can say that there are several steps you can take towards this goal.

Learn to Relax

Since stress causes tension in your muscles, an effective antidote to it is to handle the tension directly and learn to relax your muscles. Since relaxation is exactly opposite of tension, when you learn to keep your body relaxed, it gradually gives signal to the mind to calm down and be less stressful. Yoga and meditation are very helpful in lowering stress levels. So is progressive relaxation technique, in which you deliberately tense and then relax different muscles in the body and observe the feeling of relaxation. This trains your body to relax on demand and stay relaxed. There is a lot of material available about it on the net. Try following the instructions in the following video:






Address the Underlying Cause

Relaxation techniques are helpful to directly deal with the stress, but the stress may come back if you do not address its underlying cause. Most often, it is a negative emotion, that fuels stress – fear, anxiety, envy, anger, or hatred. Learn to cultivate a positive mindset to attain a sustained state of relaxation. If you ask me one step that is most helpful in controlling negative emotions, it is to have an attitude of acceptance. 

Fear
When we refuse to accept risk and uncertainty in any situation, it gives rise to fear. We imagine the worst, and shudder at the thought, and feel afraid and tense. Instead, try to accept that uncertainty and willingly take the risk, and it will turn into an adventure. You will find the stress evaporating.

Anxiety
Non-acceptance of failure makes us anxious. Let us mentally embrace the failure, and our feeling will change to one of confidence.

Envy
When we do not like good in others, it gives rise to envy and jealousy in our mind. Instead, if we whole-heartedly accept other’s achievement, it becomes inspiration.

Anger
There are many things in life that are beyond our control, and it makes us angry if we fail to accept them. We can reduce the emotion of anger by just accepting what is beyond our control.

Hatred
We feel hate toward a person, when we do not accept her as she is. We focus too much on the things about her that we don’t like, and ignore all other good things in the person. Just try dropping the expectations and accept the person unconditionally, the feeling will change into a feeling of love.

To conclude, stress is not good for your effectiveness and health, and you should get it under control before it takes its toll.

A Recipe for Quick Karaoke Recordings

As a Karaoke enthusiast, I am fortunate to belong to an on-line community of music-loving friends who enjoy each other’s music, and provide an encouraging environment to all. We all agree that a good quality recording can really support and boost a singing performance. Sound recording in the past used to be a complex endeavor attempted by experienced sound engineer with expensive audio equipment in professional sound studio setup. Over time, revolution in digital audio technology reduced the equipment required significantly, and made it affordable for anyone to do it at home with a computer and Digital Audio Workstation (DAW) software. However, it remains a very technical job that needs skill and practice. Some time back I wrote a post “My Recipe for Home Recordings" to serve as a step-by-step guide for sound recordings at home. However, most singers find it too complex to use a Digital Audio Workstation on a computer for recording and mixing. We need an easier alternative that a singer can use to record his Karaoke performance easily.

You may have tried playing the Karaoke music track, singing along the music, and recording the performance on your mobile phone. It is an easy method, but you may not be happy with the resulting sound mix quality for several reasons:

• You have no control on tempo and pitch of the Karaoke track
• There may be too much of background noise in the recording.
• The music may be too loud, drowning the vocals in it.
• Or the music may be too soft, sounding distant and remote.
• The voice may be sounding too flat and one dimensional.

 As a singer, you want your recordings to sound as good as a professional one, with a simple non-technical solution to help you with the following steps:

• Record your vocals with a Karaoke music track with little background noise
• Have a way to adjust the tempo and pitch of Karaoke music for your singing comfort, like you do in a karaoke performance 
• Adjust the volume of music and vocals to get the right mix that sounds good
• Add reverb to the vocals, and adjust the level of reverb so that it sounds spacious
• Adjust any delay between the music and vocals to get it in sync
• Finally, mix everything and produce an mp3 of the mix to share.

The good news is that it is possible today to do all the above steps using your mobile phone, and the process is simple. So, get ready, I am now going to reveal the secret recipe for creating professional sounding recordings from your mobile, and I am going to break it down into easy to follow steps. My illustrations are for an Android phone, but you can do the same on an iPhone as well. This can help you do quick recordings on the go even if you are a sound mixing pro.


Step 1: Set up the Recording App

We will use the SingPlay app from NexStreaming Corp for this exercise. As a first step, download and install the SingPlay app on your mobile, start it, and check that you get the screen shown here.






 



Step 2: Select the Karaoke Music Track

Make sure that the Karaoke music track for your performance is in the music library on your mobile. From the menu of SingPlay, select the first item – Music Library, and it will display all the songs in your music library.














Now, Locate your Karaoke music track in the list, and tap it. It will start playing and two buttons will be displayed on the right.



Tap the mic button to load this selected track in SingPlay for your performance. It will take you to the SingPlay recording page and the track will start playing.














Step 3: Set up for Recording

The SingPlay recording page has four buttons at the bottom. The CD image (center button) button is to control playback and pause. The mic button (on the right) is to switch Karaoke mode on or off. The Karaoke mode is used to reduce the original vocals from the song. Since we are using a Karaoke music track for our recording, tap this button once to turn off the Karaoke mode. It should make the music sound louder and clearer.













Now, tap Control button (above mic button) and a Control Panel will be displayed. Use it to adjust the tempo and pitch of the music track. Come back to the main page and listen to the music now. Repeat the steps till you reach a tempo and pitch which is comfortable for your singing. 

Connect a headphone or a hands free kit to your phone. This is because while singing, you want to hear the music in your earphone to ensure a clean recording of your vocals. Now, play the track and practice singing with it till you get it right.

You are ready to start recording now.





Step 4: Record Your Performance

Tap REC button, recording will start after a short countdown, with the music track playing in your ear. Sing along the track.

It is better not to hold the phone in hand while recording, but keep on a table to avoid noise. Make sure you are in a quiet room, with not too much noise.

When you are done with singing the song, tap REC button to stop recording. You will get three buttons on the screen. If you are not happy with the performance, tap Cancel button, and do the recording again. When you are satisfied, tap Listen button to save and listen to the recording.





Step 5: Adjust the Mix

When you are listening to your recording, you can adjust the mix to make it sound better. Tap the Control button on bottom right to open a mixer panel that has four controls.

Music Volume – slide this control to adjust the volume of background music. If music sounds too loud or the vocals sound too soft, lower the music volume.

Vocal Volume -  slide this control to adjust the volume of your vocals so that it sounds good with music.

Reverb Volume – slide this control to make your vocals sound more spacious. Its range is from 0-6, a value between 2 and 4 will give you good results.

Music Delay (Sync) – slide this control if you feel that the timing of music and vocals are not matching perfectly. If not sure, leave this setting unchanged.

After every change, listen to the mix again. It is easy to do, but the quality of the final mix depends on how carefully you listen to different sounds in the mix. Do it repeatedly till you get the recorded mix to right.


Step 6: Render the Mix as an Audio File

Finally, you are ready to render your performance. Tap the export button, and your recording will be saved in your music library. That’s it – you are done with your Karaoke performance recording and mixing. If you want to create a video for sharing on Youtube, tap the Share button and save the performance as a video in your photo album.


I will leave you with an example recording that I created using the above steps in SingPlay. Have fun recording your performance!


Read next post in the series - Novice in the Wonderland – Live Recordings at Sur Swaranjali

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Music Series - My Experiences

If you are reading beyond this point, you are likely to be interested in finding out more about this topic. Some time back I wrote a series of posts on how I went about learning about digital recording process at home. You can read these posts here. These posts also include samples from the recordings I made on the way.

1. Life before Digital Revolution

2. The Dawn of Digital Era 

3. Fun with Digital Recording 

4. Enchanting Engineers - A Musical Journey 
5. My Recipe for Home Recordings 
6. Tear-down of a Music Band Performance 
7. from Audio to Music
8. A Recipe for Karaoke Recordings  
9. Live Recordings at Sur Swaranjali

An Inspiring Life

We all have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one. – Confucius

Each one of us is gifted with many talents – Some of us have a flair for writing, some are good as a musician or singer, some enjoy dancing, some are natural painters, poets or actors, and there are many more. Very often, what we do for a living is completely different, and our special talents remain hidden inside us. We should discover our special talent and nurture it, as this can really give us a deep sense of satisfaction and inner happiness. I know you are thinking, “You don’t know my situation. I already have a challenge coping with my stressful job, and it is so hard to devote the required time to family and friends. Where do I find the time to nurture my talent? I have only 24 hours in a day”

I understand the stress and challenges of modern living, and that’s why I am going to use this post to introduce an inspiring person and a wonderful human being, whom I am just beginning to know. I am talking about Dr. (Prof. ) Santanu Chaudhuri, an eminent cancer specialist of national and international repute, who is the Chairman, Centre of excellence for Oncology at Nayati Healthcare, Mathura.

Right from a young age, Dr Santanu had an amazing talent for singing and writing, but since he chose medicine as his career, his attention got fully focused on his area of specialization – Oncology that deals with treatment of Cancer. I can write pages and pages about his accomplishment as a doctor, here are some examples of his outstanding work:

• Worked in senior positions in many reputed hospitals such as United Hospital Dhaka, Tata Memorial Hospital Mumbai, Regional Cancer Hospital Nagpur,
• Founded Snehaanchal Palliative Care Centre in Nagpur, the only hospice for terminally ill cancer patients in Central India.
• Has several National and International publications and written chapters in books related to Cancer Research.
• His contribution to Cancer research has been recognized with many National and International awards including Mahatma Gandhi Peace Award, Atish Dipankar Gold Medal and Mother Teressa Award. Has been honored with several fellowships from U. K, Europe, Asia Pacific, Australia and U. S. A.
• Steering Committee Member and Principal investigator of different projects of DAE, ICCN, WHO and ICMR. Has been the Vice President of Association of Radiation Oncologists of India.

It is obvious that Dr Santanu has an outstanding track record of research and medical practice, and is a well recognized expert in medical fraternity. We know that a doctor’s life is very demanding, and you can imagine the hard work he must have put to attain such great heights in his profession.

Still, in the midst of his hectic schedule at work, Dr Santanu manages to find a few moments every now and then to nurture his passion for music. He has taken pains to learn classical music, and spends time doing riyaz (music practice) whenever he can. The pursuit of music provides him such a sense of fulfillment that is hard to describe in words. He has taken his love for singing to a level that he has produced a few albums, and has also shared his recordings on Youtube. Before you go further, just listen to him singing a Jagjeet Singh Ghazal in this video below. It was appreciated by none other that the legendary singer Jagjit Singh himself in a function at Nagpur! No doubt this is an achievement which may be the dream for any singer.




The story is not yet over. Remember I told you that Dr Santanu is a good writer? He manages to nurture his passion for writing as well. He has recently written a book titled “The Fourth Sun Sign”, which has been published by Bloomsbury publishers. This book is a collection of real-life human stories about his experiences as a Cancer specialist.

I read this book with a keen interest – it is a unique book of its kind that manages to remove the feeling of dread in people’s mind about this disease – and can be a very inspirational material for anyone who reads it. Also, the book also gives you a close insight in Santanu’s life as he brings it out in bits and pieces in the stories. Funds collected by the sale of this book are utilized for the benefit of poor cancer patients. He is so passionate about it that he personally told me the following about this book:

“At last one of my numerous dreams got to see the light. This book is a collection of true stories of cancer patients  who proved themselves as heroes in my life. It deals with life, happiness, expectations and   psycho-spiritual interactions of my heroes, the cancer victors, to whom this book is dedicated to.”

Now, here is a doctor with extremely busy schedule, who knows the importance of following his dreams. It is really inspiring to see that he not only manages to devote time to be a singer, and writer, but he excels at them; a perfect example of the following age old wisdom:

If it is worth doing, it is worth doing well.

Are you and me more occupied than him? How does he find time to do all this, while we struggle with a perpetual lack of time? What is his secret? Is it one of the following? I do not know, but I am very eager to meet him to find the answer.

• When you really want to do something, you can find time to do it. Time is not a real constraint.
• Is it due to his self-discipline, that helps him cut time wasters from his life?
• Is this his quest to find real meaning in life?

Whenever I think of Dr Santanu, I get inspired with the following message in my head:

Life is for living, not just merely existing. When you can seize your potential and truly feel as if you are doing your best in this life, you are living. So, give up all your excuses, escape your comfort zone, and do more in life. 

Create the life you want.

---

If you want to know more about Dr Santanu Chaudhary, please visit the following links, and If you are interested in supporting his cause of poor Cancer patients, you can help by purchasing his book.

• His webpage - http://www.santanuchaudhuri.com/
• His Youtube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/MrsAparnaC
• His book, “The Fourth Sign” - http://www.amazon.in/Fourth-Sun-Sign-Doctors-Diary/dp/9386349051/

A Recipe to Keep Your Marriage Healthy

Back in February, I wrote a post highlighting the importance of accepting your partner for a successful marriage. (You can read it here.) In that post, I also briefly touched on what can be done to make a marriage succeed. I got requests from some readers to elaborate on this topic further, hence this post today.

I am not an expert marriage counselor, but I have personal experience of being happily married for last 33 years. I have also observed closely and learned from my family members. My parents have enjoyed 60+ years of marital bliss, My brothers have clocked 44 and 39 years of marriage respectively and my sister 36 years. Many of my friends have also celebrated their silver jubilee. I will attempt to capture the essence of all this learning and experience into a recipe for healthy marriage.

This recipe includes a set of do and don’ts and early warning signs of trouble that you should not ignore. It is in no way a comprehensive compilation of everything you want to know on this topic, but I will consider my effort fruitful if it acts as a good starting point for you.

The first and the foremost requirement is a change of mindset on a couple of fronts.

• Take active role in keeping your marriage healthy, and not just leave it to chances. It is your life, and you can shape it. Do not let life happen to you, but make it happen the way you want to.
• Take a proactive approach. Try to keep your marriage healthy by nurturing it regularly, and do not wait for trouble to erupt before you act.
• Stop seeing yourself as two individuals living together, and start thinking and behaving as an integrated unit. It is vital that we focus our energies on merger, and give preference to interdependence over independence. Don’t worry, there is plenty of space for individuality in a successful marriage.

The most essential ingredient for a happy marriage is a close bond between the two of you. The strength of this bond between you directly determines the health of your marriage. When you have a strong bond, you can even face major turbulences together and emerge stronger. On the contrary, even small challenges can take you to the brink of separation if you do not have this affinity.

How do I form a strong bond and what do I do to keep it healthy? Fortunately, it is not rocket science. Most of it is everyday common sense. If you just take one small step everyday to build a loving relationship, you would have moved 365 steps ahead in a year.

It is believed that there are four important parts of our being – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. A healthy person needs to keep all four parts in good health. By the same logic, we bond with our spouse in all these parts. My recipe involves being aware of these four parts, and make regular efforts to nurture and strengthen the bond with your spouse in all the four dimensions.

Physical

This is the most visible part of your marital relationship. You live together, share things, set up a home, and over time learn to take care of each other. Sexual relationship is an important part of it, though not everything. With a healthy physical bond, you feel comfortable with each other, feel naturally attracted to your partner, and feel like being one physically. To nurture this dimension, consciously find ways to spend time together – take time to watch a movie together, or go on a dinner date, exercise together if you like, or play a sport.. there are numerous such possible activities. If you keep doing it regularly, you can strengthen the physical bond with your spouse. I know you are thinking now, “This is all OK, but I am too busy to make a career for myself to take time for such recreational activities.” I understand the pressures of modern life. As a minimum, you should make a practice to have dinner together every day and sleep together every night. This is not too much to ask, and it can make a huge difference in your life. The physical dimension also involves taking care of your needs as a family unit; e.g. if the husband loses his job, the wife uses her salary to take care of family expenses.

But we do tend to ignore this basic principle from time to time and it causes deterioration in our physical bond. Look for these early warning signs and take quick action to contain the damage before it is too late:

• You are not living together for more than six months due to job or education related issues. Act before ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ principle kicks in. Make every possible attempt to find a job closer home so that you can live together. In the worst case, if that does not work out, take time to travel periodically to be with your spouse and refresh your relationship.
• You have not gone out together for past three months. Think carefully, any activity may qualify here – a dine out, a movie, shopping, attending a party, etc. If you have not done any outing in recent months, it is time to sit up and correct it. Why not go out to the neighborhood shopping mall this weekend and have some good time together? I know as a wife, you may enjoy shopping more with your female friends, and as a husband, you may be more excited to have a beer with your male friends, and this may be keeping you from being together, but if you see this warning, it is time to force yourself to act.
• You do not share your stuff, and maintain strict separation between ‘his’ things and ‘your’ things. Pay careful attention to your language for next few days. If you habitually use the word ‘our’ more often that ‘your’ or ‘mine’, you can relax. If you find yourself in other category, work gradually on increasing your sharing with your spouse. An extreme red flag may be if the two of you have separate beds or bedrooms. Never go for individual bedrooms irrespective of the size of your house.

Mental

At mental level, a healthy relationship implies that you have respect for each other, can relate to the other at mental level, and can strike a healthy adult–to–adult conversation. (For details, read ‘Games People Play’ by Eric Berne). In fact, when this relationship matures, you may start enjoying such discussions and may eagerly look forward to it. Life presents us with numerous problems and challenges, and we are equipped with mental abilities to deal with it. When we join our mental faculties to solve a problem together as a couple, it multiplies our abilities, and makes our mental bond stronger. Similarly, there are many decisions to be taken on a daily basis, and every time we work together to arrive at a decision, we come closer mentally.

Remember that it is not necessary that the two of you have to think alike or agree on everything. If you find yourself disagreeing, it is good, since it means that you have different ways of looking at the situation. It is common management wisdom that when people with different mindset work together, they can be much more effective. You need to learn how to use synergy so that one plus one equals eleven.

But there are times this aspect of our relationship gets neglected. Look for the following early warnings signs that indicate that you are falling apart in the mental dimension and act immediately:

• One partner takes all decisions. In our male dominated society, it is common that the husband tends to believe himself to be mentally ‘superior’ and takes all the decisions. This is not a healthy practice, and a better way is to discuss and decide together.
• Each of you take own decisions. You may believe that this is better than the above situation, but it is not. It does not give rise to the feeling of being one unit. If you are doing this, try to force yourself to take at least one joint decision and see how it feels.
• You have not talked together on any topic for more than ten minutes for last one month. Take time to sit down and strike a conversation. It can be any topic, but it is important that the two of you talk regularly.

 
Emotional

This is a vital dimension, and most of us can easily relate to it when we think of love. A strong bond of love between the two partners can be the glue that can help keep them together and tide over any crisis in life. We human beings have an inherent need to connect emotionally with others, and a marital relationship provides an excellent way to address the need. We can take our emotional bond to a new high by regularly making small deposits in our ‘emotional bank account’.

If you see any of the following early warning signs in your marriage, it is time for some quick corrective action:

• You no longer feel love towards your spouse. If you face this, think carefully what you can do to come out of it. Remember that love is an action, not just a feeling that happens to you. So, love your spouse, reinforce the message, “I love you” with her every now and then, take every opportunity to express your feelings with little acts of love regularly, and you will find reciprocation, and a warm feeling of love growing inside you.
• You do not trust your spouse. This usually implies that the lack of trust is mutual, and the balance in emotional bank account is low. Work on building trust gradually by emotional deposits. Take time to understand your spouse. Take extra efforts to keep your promises. Be sincere and honest with your partner. Everyone makes mistakes, but be quick to admit your mistake and apologize.

Spiritual

The spiritual dimension relates to the bigger purpose and meaning of life. A good way to develop a stronger spiritual bond is to pray together. This gets you closer spiritually in the initial stages. But at the next level, you want to have a common mission statement for your family. Such a shared vision of future binds you so strongly that no force in the world can take you apart.

What is an early warning sign of a weak spiritual bonds? If the two of you have very different personal mission statements, and do not share a common vision of what you want to do as a family, treat it as the ultimate red flag for your marriage. It may eventually lead to a separation, even if you enjoy a strong bond at physical, mental, and emotional level. What can you do to correct it? Should you give up your dreams or get your spouse to give up her dreams? Such a thing will be unthinkable in modern times. Do pursue your individual dreams, but take time to weave it into a cohesive story of your family ‘dream’ that both of you can relate to. Let us take an example of a film actress marrying a cricket star. They both are ambitious, have their dreams of individual success, but it is important for them to have a shared vision of their family’s future. It is this vision that will keep them together despite all odds.

Look around and observe successful couples around you. You will notice that they all display a good balance in all four dimensions of relationship. They have learned by sheer experience and experiment to nurture a strong bond that keeps them together. They have invariably faced troubled times in one or more dimensions, but managed to tackle it based on the strength in other dimensions and emerged stronger from the encounter.

On the contrary, when a couple takes the unfortunate decision to separate, it is a result of gradual weakening of their bond over time in all four dimensions, till it snaps. If you ask them the reason for the split, very likely they would offer one of the following, can you connect these to the four dimensions we talked above?

• I do not like being with my spouse any more.
• We no longer sit and talk.
• There is no love left between us.
• We do not see any future for the two of us as a family.

We know now how to recognize the weakening of bond and act to reinforce it before it breaks.

Disclaimer: This post does not apply to the cases where domestic violence or dowry issues are the reasons of separation.   

Positive Thinking for the New Age

We live is the age of information revolution. Technologies like internet, computers, and smart phones have made all kind of information easily available to us when we need. We are also better aware today about what is happening in the world as news travels super fast. However, this has become a double edge sword now. It has caused an information overload that we all are grappling with. We struggle daily to keep up with the incessant flow of emails, news, text messages, alerts, WhatsApp messages, twitter updates, and so on. For most of us, keeping pace with our email itself turns out to be a big challenge. 

There are times when we feel helpless and out-of-control of our own lives due to this explosion of information, particularly when we are required to act, in the midst of a nagging doubt that some important fact is missed. We also need to constantly check the information we get and discard the one which is incorrect.

Slowly and gradually we are evolving and coming to grip with the situation. We are discovering ways to find the useful information from the pile of emails in our inbox, and devise a system of not missing an important message.

During such times, when we are already overworked and are always short of time, where does a nice concept like positive thinking fit? Positive thinking is all the more relevant for the modern age. In the hustle bustle of daily life, it can help us to keep our sanity. It can provide us the mental resilience to move forward during the moments of despair and helplessness.

So, it is vital to build and nurture a healthy positive outlook, but how do we go about doing it in today’s fast moving age? One way is to practice it in real-life situations, and develop is gradually. This is a good idea, but have a downside. It is like training for running a marathon in the actual race. Today’s ultra-fast paced life confronts you with disappointments at every corner, and if you rely on real-life situations, it is likely that it may soon rob you of whatever positive attitude you already have. So, we need another way to build up a strong positive mindset.

Another idea is to read inspiring material or keep close to positive people. This has been the most relied upon method, and continues to be an attractive proposition till today. You must find time to regularly read positive and inspirational material, and interact with positive people to develop a healthy mindset over time.

Once you have acquired a positive mindset, there is a simple way to maintain it by spending just a few minutes every day ‘exercising’ it. Get into a habit of solving a puzzle every day – it can be crossword, Sudoku, Codeword,  Jumble, whatever you like. A puzzle serves as an excellent exercise to develop the muscles of mental resilience and positive mindset. 

When you start solving a puzzle, it seems like an incredibly difficult task initially, almost impossible. You have to persevere with the hope that you will find the solution. Then you start getting one or two clues and the picture starts getting clear. By doing puzzles regularly, you can learn to keep hope and continue to try even in most difficult situation. It also gives you an attitude that whatever be the problem, it can be solved – just focus on finding the next clue towards the solution. You need not have the picture at the outset, but a clear picture will eventually emerge if you keep working on finding clues. 

This is the most important point that pertains to modern age. In real life too, the situations are so complex today, that you may not see any solution in sight. But if you focus in doing what you can and find the ‘next clue’ – or the next action towards the solution, you can solve the problem eventuality. Work with this spirit, and you will see yourself getting back in control of your life.

Just to be sure, the principle of positive mindset is eternal and changeless. This is just a different practice to build it up.

Are You Comfortable?

The importance of effort and hard work in life is well understood. We work hard to get good education, build up a career, family and home. However, there comes a stage when we get a feeling that 'we have arrived', and this leads to gradual settling down in our comfort zone. As we begin to feel comfortable, it takes away intensity from our efforts. If we want to fly higher and achieve more, we should learn to recognize our comfort zones and should come out of them quickly. Do not stop learning, trying, growing.. ever. Here is a beautiful story sent by Pratha that illustrates this point very well.

King Chandragupt received a gift of two magnificent falcons from a court visitor. They were peregrine falcons, the most beautiful birds he had ever seen. He gave the precious birds to Mahendra, his bird keeper and asked him to train them.

Months passed, and one day Mahendra informed Chandragupt that though one of the falcons was flying majestically, soaring high in the sky, the other bird had not moved from its branch since the day it had arrived.

He asked his court members to try and help the bird fly, but as he looked through the palace window day after day, the bird still did not move from its perch. The king was getting curious now. He summoned healers and sorcerers from everywhere to cure the falcon, but no one could understand the ailment of the bird and make it fly.

Having tried everything else, the king thought to himself, “May be I need someone more familiar with the countryside to understand the nature of this problem.” So he cried out to his court, “Go and get a farmer.” He showed the bird to the farmer and described the problem to him.

"Do you know what's wrong with this bird? Can you help fix it?", asked the king.

"Maharaj, I will give it a try. I think I understand the problem.", said the farmer.

Next morning, the king was thrilled to see the falcon soaring high above the palace gardens. He said to his court, “Bring me the doer of this miracle.” The court members quickly located the farmer, who came and stood before the king.

The king asked him, “How did you make the falcon fly?”

With his head bowed, the farmer said to the king, “It was very easy, your highness. I simply cut the branch where the bird was sitting.”

There is a great lesson in this story for us. We are all made to fly high — to realize our incredible potential as human beings. But at times we sit on our branches, clinging to the things that are familiar to us, our comfort zones. The possibilities are endless, but for most of us, they remain undiscovered. We conform to the familiar, the comfortable, and the mundane. So for the most part, our lives are mediocre instead of exciting, thrilling and fulfilling.

Let us learn to recognize the branch of our own comfort zone that we cling to and free ourselves to the glory of flight!


लोग यौं ही हैं झिझकते सोचते, जबकि उनको छोड़ना पड़ता है घर 
किन्तु घर का छोड़ना अक्सर उन्हें, बूँद लौं कुछ और ही देता है कर !

Think carefully, "Are you comfortable?"

A Password with Meaning

I was deeply depressed after a recent bitter fight with my close friend Deepak. I thought all day long about how badly he had treated me. I was filled with a lot of hurt and unhappiness within me. I knew that the right way to move forward is to forgive him, but it looked impossible to get myself to forgive.

I was still trying to recover from it, when I sat down at my desk and stared at the laptop screen. “Your password has expired, please change it”, a message flashed on the screen. In my company, we have to change our password every month. I remembered a tip I’d heard from a colleague, that we should try to choose a password that has some meaning. That way, it will be easy to remember, and we will repeat the meaningful phrase every time we unlock the screen.

So, I chose to go for a password with meaning. I was finding it impossible to concentrate on my work due to my painful memories. I decided to pick a password that will remind me that I should stop being a victim of my emotions, and be strong enough to handle them with maturity. I came up with the password – Forgive@him. I had to type this password several times a day, whenever my computer screen got locked. Every time I came back from lunch, I wrote ‘forgive him’. This simple action changed the way I looked at Deepak. That constant reminder of reconciliation led me to accept the way things happened and helped me deal with my mood.

By the time the computer asked me to change the password again the following month, I already felt liberated from the feeling of hurt. I thought of what is the next important thing I want to do in life, and I picked up the password – Reduce#weight. By repeating it many times a day, I gradually found myself being more conscious of my diet and regular in my exercise program, and that helped in reducing my weight.

Next I chose Save&invest, as I was not good in financial matters. In next couple of months, I could improve on that front as well. I made it a habit to pick a meaningful password – a phrase that will constantly remind me about an important goal I want to achieve. These daily reminders kept me motivated and excited about my goal and helped me realize it.

This simple practice of using a password with meaning has changed my life for better. Why not try it and see what it can do for you?

After a couple of years, I changed my password to *LifeIsBeautiful*.

Sow Well, Reap Well

One of the basic principle of nature is - "As you sow, so shall you reap". The outcome in our life is a direct reflection of our thoughts and actions. Here is an inspiring tale by Manohar Parrikar that illustrates this principle with a simple narrative.

My village is famous for its watermelons. When I was a child, the farmer would organize a watermelon-eating contest at the end of the harvest season in May. All the kids would be invited to eat as many watermelons as they wanted. It was an event that we used to eagerly look forward to every year.

Years later, I went to IIT Mumbai to study engineering. I went back to my village after six years. All this while, the taste of watermelons was still fresh in my memory. I went to the market looking for watermelons. They were all gone. The ones that were there were so small and relatively tasteless.

This surprised me, and I went to see one of the farmer who hosted the watermelon-eating contest. His son had taken over. He would still host the contest every year but there was a difference. When the older farmer gave us watermelons to eat he would ask us to spit out the seeds into a bowl. We were told not to bite into the seeds. He collected the seeds for his next crop. We were unpaid child workers, actually. He kept his best watermelons for the contest and he got the best seeds which would yield even bigger watermelons the next year.

His son, when he took over, realized that the larger watermelons would fetch more money in the market so he sold the larger ones and kept the smaller ones for the contest. The next year, the watermelons were smaller, the year later even smaller. In watermelons the generation is one year. In seven years, Parra's best watermelons were finished.

This story has a very powerful lesson. If we want to enjoy the fruit of success in life, we need to constantly work towards it, and sow good seeds with our constant efforts and good thoughts. This is the principle of nature. If you want to do well in academics, it is imperative that you study hard on a regular basis. If you want to excel in a sport, you must train regularly. If you want to be a good musician, you have to do your regular riyaz. You should not expect success if you have not put in the required effort for it. Similarly, if we want our children to grow up to be good humans, we have to impart good values in them in their childhood. We have to teach them with our own example.

Kabir has expressed this natural principle very well in this couplet:

करता रहा सो क्यों रहा,
अब करी क्यों पछताए |
बोये पेड़ बबूल का,
अमुआ कहा से पाए |

Meena Jain has a very inspiring comment to add to this:
If you you sow honesty, you will reap trust.
If you sow goodness, you will reap friends.
If you sow humility, you will reap greatness.
If you sow perseverance, you will reap victory.
If you sow consideration, you will reap harmony.
If you sow hard work, you will reap success.
If you sow forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation.
If you sow openness, you will reap intimacy.
If you sow patience, you will reap improvements.
If you sow faith, you will reap miracles.

But

If you sow dishonesty, you will reap distrust.
If you sow selfishness, you will reap loneliness.
If you sow pride, you will reap destruction.
If you sow jealousy, you will reap trouble.

सुन्दर विचारों की माला

I am grateful to my friends, who keeps sending me beautiful and inspiring messages. I am bringing a compilation of some of the best messages from them:                      

Self-Management 


नाम और पहचान भले ही छोटी हो,
मगर खुद की होनी चाहिए।                       

कुछ भी अच्छा या बुरा नहीं होता,
बस सोच उसे ऐसा बनाती है.                       

एक शख्स बनकर ना जिओ,
बल्कि एक शख्सियत बनकर जिओ...
क्योंकि शख्स तो मर जाता है,
पर शख्सियत हमेशा जिंदा रहती है... 


अगर दुनिया आपकी ईमानदारी पर संदेह करे तो दुखी नहीं होना चाहिये,
क्योंकि संदेह सोने की शुद्धता पर किया जाता है, लोहे की नहीं ।

किसी काम को करने के बारे में बहुत देर तक सोचते रहना
अक्सर उसके बिगड़ जाने का कारण बनता है।

वो शख्स जिंदगी में कभी नहीं हार सकता
जो दर्द बर्दाश्त करना जानता हों


जिनका स्वभाव अच्छा होता है।
उन्हें कभी प्रभाव दिखाने की जरूरत नहीं होती है।       


Relationships

रिश्ते एहसास के होते हैं,
अगर एहसास हो तो अजनबी भी अपने होते हैं,
और अगर एहसास ना हो तो अपने भी अजनबी हो जाते हैं।

खुद का मान अगर चाहो तो औरों का भी मान रखो..
कहने को अगर जीभ मिली है तो सुनने को भी कान है.                       

युद्ध को समाप्त करने का सबसे तेज़ तरीका है उसे हारना,
ख़ास तौर पर तब जब वो युद्ध अपनों के साथ हो।

दूसरों को नसीहत देना तथा आलोचना करना सबसे आसान काम है,
सबसे मुश्किल काम है चुप रहना और आलोचना सुनना !    

कोई हमारी गलतियां निकालता है तो हमें खुश होना चाहिए,
क्योंकि कोई तो है जो हमें पूर्ण दोष रहित बनाने के लिए अपना दिमाग और समय दे रहा है |

बिखरने" के बहाने तो बहुत मिल जायेंगे,
आओ हम "जुड़ने" के अवसर खोजे

अगर एक हारा हुआ इंसान हारने के बाद भी मुस्करा दे,
तो जीतने वाले को भी अपना बना लेता है|

तोड़ कर जोड़ लो चाहे हर चीज़ दुनिया की,
सब की मरम्मत मुमकिन है एतबार के सिवा |

किसी की "टाँग" खींचने के बजाय,
किसी का "हाथ" खींच कर उपर लेना बेहतर होता है !

Happiness

ख़ुशी पैसों पर नहीं, परिस्थितियों पर निर्भर करती है...
एक बच्चा गुब्बारा ख़रीद कर ख़ुश था तो दूसरा उसे बेच कर |

मिलता तो बहुत कुछ है इस ज़िन्दगी में,
बस हम गिनती उसी की करते है जो हासिल ना हो सका,
क्यों न जो है उसमे ख़ुश रहना सीखे?

जरूरी नहीं कि मिठाई खिलाकर दूसरों का मुंह मीठा करें,
आप मीठा बोलकर भी लोगों को खुशियाँ दे सकते हैं....

यदि आप अपनी ज़िंदगी से खुश नहीं हो,
तो सोचे उन लोगों के बारे में जो आप जैसी ज़िंदगी जीने के लिए तरसते है।    

Secret of Life-Long Marriage

My neighbor and close friend invited me when is parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last year. 50 long years of togetherness! This triggered my brain into thinking. What a coincidence, last week on my way back from work, I heard a play on radio in which a senior couple was talking nostalgically about their married life, and its sweet and sour experiences. They cherished the years spent with each other and felt happy that their relationship survived and got stronger despite several ups and downs.

It was very common for people of my parents’ generation to have a marriage that lasts a lifetime. Even people in my generation are commonly seen celebrating their 25 years of association. However, it seems that marital conflicts, break-ups and divorces are on the rise now. Success rate of marriages is on the decline; couples are finding it frustrating that marriages do not last these days. The sanctity of marriage as an institution is under threat.

What is the cause of this change? Is it due to a shift in social values? Is it due to rise of nuclear families as against joint families of past? Are parents over pampering their kids and making them intolerant in the process?  Is it the influence of western thinking and culture? It is hard to say what exactly is the reason behind it, but the trend seems undesirable and concerning.

We know that today’s generation Y is well educated, and are more aware and vocal about their rights and needs. Today’s girls expect equal treatment in marriage unlike past. The youngsters today are also not afraid of social stigma any more. They cannot tolerate any unfair situation just to keep the marriage alive. Their thinking is, “why drag on with a relationship if it is not working out?” I agree with all of this, but still it does not explain why an otherwise perfect marriage fails to sustain these days due to trivial differences.

We may think along a different perspective too - possibly the long lasting marriages of the yesteryears are overrated. Most of these marriages used to be defunct anyway, where the partners live a life of compromise, pushing their differences and real issues under the carpet just to sustain the marriage. Very often, women used to get an unequal treatment and accept it as their fate.

However, when I carefully look around the long-time happily married couples around me, I find that the reality is very different from the above perception. I could not spot any case of a defunct marriage. None of these couples lived in a constant state of compromise. Instead they had a healthy relationship in which they had adjusted to each other very well and there was no evidence that they are just hiding their differences. There is also a near equality in the relationship. In all these years, they have managed to find the secret of forming a lovely life-long bond. 

Is it worth the effort trying to develop and sustain such a long lasting loving relationship? I can tell you from my experience that it is. Nothing can be more valuable than a life partner who understands you fully, with whom you can drop your pretenses and just be yourself, where you feel happy to just hang around together, one who is your great source of support in good as well as bad times, your best friend forever.

OK, you get the gist, but what is the secret of life-long marriage? Well there can be numerous little things that make it possible to build a life-long relationship, and I am not going to list all of them here, since all rules that apply to inter-personal relationship apply here as well. But the most important rule, particularly for married couples is to accept your life-partner as it is. When you carefully think about it, this acceptance may mean multiple things.

Your Spouse is Unique
Every individual is unique, and so is your partner. Do not compare him with others. There are areas where he is stronger, and there are areas where he is not. Accept him for what he is, with all his strengths and weaknesses. He can never be anyone else, even if he tries his best to do it.

Defects Magnified
A wise elder told me once that when you get so close to someone, you see all his flaws on a much more magnified scale. Remember this fact before you get judgmental about your dear spouse. It is not that he is so bad – he looks so bad from such a close distance. To others viewing him from a distance, he will appear to be a much better person.

Do not be a Nag
Acceptance also mean that do not constantly try to improve your spouse. There is a space for healthy feedback in marriage, but let him decide if he wants to act on it or not. Do not be a constant nag about the changes you want to see in him.

Does all this sounds too complicated and boring to you? Does the complexity of marriage scare you into running away from it? Don’t worry – it is far simpler and enjoyable than what it sounds. Let me try to find a fun way to explain it. How about expressing it as a poem or a song?

I need not look any further – way back in 1965, Anand Bakshi wrote some beautiful lines that capture the essence of what I am trying to say in this post.

चाँद सी महबूबा हो मेरी कब ऐसा मैंने सोचा था |
हाँ तुम बिलकुल वैसी हो जैसा मैंने सोचा था |

Keep Driving

Sanvi was driving the car with her father in the passenger's seat, when they were hit by a sudden storm. There was dust everywhere, and it became difficult to see in the darkness.

"What should I do papa?", Sanvi asked.

"Let us keep driving.", replied the father.

You can imagine how difficult it was to drive in the storm, and it was getting worse every moment.

"Now what should I do?", Sanvi repeated her question.

"Keep driving. Go slow.", was the answer from the father.
 
As they went ahead, they noticed many drivers had stopped their vehicles, waiting for storm to subside.

She said,"I think I should stop now. I can barely see the road. This is a dangerous storm and other people have stopped as well."

Her father was calm as he said,"Do not stop. Keep driving."

Now the storm was on its peak, but Sanvi did not stop and kept moving ahead slowly. Suddenly she noticed that the visibility had begin to improve. A couple of kilometers further down the road, they were clearly out of storm, with no dust and bright sunshine in that area.

Her father said, "You may stop now and come out of the car."

"Why stop now?", asked Sanvi.

The father said, "When you come out, you will know that those who stopped due to the storm, are still stuck in the storm. You are out of storm now since you did not stop making efforts."

There are times when we face tough times in life - at work, at home, or in family. This little story is an inspiration for us in difficult times. Even the strongest people tend to give up when faced with insurmountable difficulties of life. Let us remind ourselves that this storm will pass if only we do not give up making efforts. Keep driving and the Sun will shine again in your life.

The following lines capture the inspiring message very well:


पार हुआ वो रहा जो सफ़र में, जो भी रुका घिर गया वो भंवर में,
तू ना चलेगा तो चल देंगी राहें, मंजिल को तरसेंगी तेरी निगाहें

His Shirt is Whiter than Mine, Why?

Most people of my generation will smile as they recall the tagline of this popular detergent advertisement of 1980s. It brings out our tendency to constantly benchmark ourselves with others. Everyone likes to believe that he is better than others, which is fine so long as it remains a subjective feeling. But the moment we face an objective counter evidence, aren't we prone to get upset? How do we handle such feeling? In my humble opinion, the best way to handle it is to avoid such comparisons.
 
I had my birthday this week, and amid the hustle-bustle of wishes from friends and family members, the thought crossed my mind, “How am I doing in life?” Since I also attended a reunion with my college mates from Roorkee last week, it took an obvious turn, “Am I doing better than my class mates?”
 
As I tried to find an answer to this question, I stumbled upon the first roadblock. I recall vividly that on the evening of reunion, we had such great bonhomie among all the friends… It was apparent that all of us started our journey in different directions and reached different places over the long years; however, each of us seemed fully satisfied with our journey and we felt genuinely happy to be where we are. How to say who did better in this case? How do we define the concept of ‘better’?

Luckily, the engineer in me found an easy answer. Every definition of 'better' has an associated comparison function. Choose your function and you can find out who is better. Somehow, I was not convinced with my own logic. Another voice in my head said, “Comparison functions are meant for inanimate objects. Are you sure they are suitable for human beings? A comparison can tell you who is bigger; but bigger is not necessarily better. Similarly, it is hard to say that faster or higher is better.

It was getting complicated. Life was easier in college, when marks or grades could be easily used to rank the whole class and you could easily find out where do you stand. If only we can find a similar quantifiable measure to apply, we can use it to compare. Some commonly used benchmarks in society are: 

• Education - Degrees, Grades
• Money – Income, Wealth
• Assets – House, Cars
• Status – Position at work, size of business, social status
• Popularity – number of friends / likes on social media etc.

The benchmarks listed above are no doubt objective in nature, but I realized none of these help me answer my original question. To be sure, one can find out whether she is more educated, richer, wealthier, better placed at work, or more popular than others. Does any of it make her better? Not sure. More educated is not always better. Being richer or wealthier does not imply being better as well. People may be more popular or have a higher status, and that also is not an indicator of being better. If we look around carefully, we can find numerous examples around us to support this argument.

So, I was back to square one; it was turning out impossible to benchmark myself with others. Suddenly I realized that it is pointless to compare, when each of us is a unique individual with a different and equally interesting journey. Why bother at all? There is no need to compare yourself with others as such comparisons are often misleading.

I know you are thinking, “This is too idealistic a viewpoint and the real world works quite differently. In reality, we do benchmark ourselves with people around us all the time. We try and be better than them, and a big part of our lives is spent in this race. It is this sense of 'competition' that makes us better each day. If I adopt a no-comparison mindset, won’t it kill my desire to excel?”

Well, why not compare with yourself? Benchmark yourself with what you were yesterday and try to improve upon it. This is also easy to do as you can do it in small steps, and be on a continuous path of improvement and excellence. This is a good way to keep your motivation to excel.

Let us take the example of a marathon to understand it better. Hundreds of people take part in a marathon, and a big majority of them take much longer to complete it than the winner. Do these people compare their timing with the winner to motivate themselves? In fact most people running a marathon are happy to just take part in the race. Even the performance conscious runners try to do better than their previous run, instead of competing with fellow runners. We should run the race of life like this marathon. It is not important how many people are ahead of you in the race… more important is how far you have come.

A friend has an interesting observation in somewhat different context. He says,”If you compare yourself with people around you (similar background, same location etc), in the best case you'll be slightly better than them. So if at all you're going to compare and compete, do it with the best in the business. It will be easy to tell yourself several reasons why you can't be as good. Not letting those reasons stop you is half the work done!”

I fully agree with his suggestion of benchmarking yourself against the best, as the idea encourages us to aim high and have BHAGs (Big, Hairy, Audacious Goals). However, an inherent limitation of external benchmarks is hidden in the observation as well. Any external benchmark places an upper limit on how great we want to be or can become. With whom did Newton compare when he invented gravity? Did Mahatma Gandhi compare with someone on his road to greatness? Do you think Mark Zuckerberg needed a comparison to take Facebook to such heights of popularity?

So do aim high by all means, but when you switch from external benchmarks to internal benchmarks, you will be set to fly much higher.

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About This Post

The thought behind this post was triggered by a Facebook post by a friend, with a valid point about choosing to benchmark against the best. The thought also resonates well with the idea of BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goals). I admit I am guilty of misunderstanding his point at first, and he had to clarify it before I got it right.

However, the post triggered my thoughts about my deep rooted belief about the futility of external comparison.

Disclaimer - I am a firm supporter of the idea, and the anecdote in the post about me trying to compare with my friends is not real - it is there just to help me make the point more dramatically.