Happy Father's Day!
As we celebrate Father's day, it makes me ponder over the question - what does being a father mean? While trying to answer it, I realized that I have learned half of it from my father, and the rest from my kids. The first part was easy, enjoying a father's love and care as a kid, but while stepping into a father's shoe and playing the same role for my kids was equally enjoyable, it was not as easy as I imagined. Once I experienced what he must have gone through, I felt even more closer to my father. In this post, I will present an extract of my learning about the many roles of a parent. I have used the word "father" here, but all of this applies equally to a mother as well.
Gives a sense of security
As a child, I was carefree and never had to worry about anything; that's the kind of secure home Papaji created for us. We had a strong belief that whatever be the situation, Papaji knows how to handle it well and protect us, and he lived up to it. I know now what he must have gone through to give us this secure and carefree life. I started getting a little exposure to it when I started out in my first job, but the complete understanding of the effort involved became clear only after I became a parent myself.
Source of Unconditional Love and Care
A father's heart has such an unending love for his child, with no conditions attached, that it is hard to capture it in words. One has to experience it first hand to grasp the purity and intensity of this feeling. Even when he is acting tough with you, correcting you for a mistake or teaching you discipline, you can still smell the emotions of deep love behind this stern exterior. He is the one who cares most for your well being, growth, happiness, and success. He makes continuous efforts to ensure that you do well in life.
Inspires you - Presents a high ideal
As a kid, I used to hold Papaji in awe. While he was a constant source of inspiration, he had raised the bar very high by his own example. I used to console myself with the thought that I am too small right now, and I will be able to do the same when I grow up. This constant inspiration from him helped me keep on trying to do my best. When I look back as a grown up now, it becomes clear that despite all efforts, I could not reach his level. I wish I could inspire my kids in the same way.
Your guide and coach
When it comes to essential life skills, Papaji has been my best teacher, who taught me by directly coaching, as well as through his example. He encouraged positive behavior in his kids on a daily basis, till it became a habit. Getting up early, cleanliness, healthy eating, exercise, good reading, prayer, working proactively with a plan.. the list goes on and on.
Corrects you when you're wrong
Papaji gave us a long rope, allowing and encouraging independent thinking in his kids. Given the tender age, it was only natural that we would be prone to making mistakes at times. While he allowed us to make mistakes and learn from them, he also played an active role in providing feedback, correcting and showing the right way. In the rare extreme cases, he was also not averse to resorting to punishment, but he never used physical punishment with us. Instead, he had a very effective weapon in his arsenal of a verbal threat of a bashing. I am thankful that this was the farthest he had to go ever.
Imparts good values
Your values determine what you consider good and bad, and guide your day-to-day actions. When your values are aligned with the universal principles, such as truth, honesty, contribution, etc it makes it easy for you to choose the right path in life, and build up a character in the process. Papaji gave us a long lasting lesson of good values with his example. I have never seen him saying a bad word, doing anything wrong, or resorting to unfair means to achieve something. Through his actions, he made it clear that there was no other choice but to be honest, respectful, and hardworking. Given the social scenario of 70s and 80s, it was a very unconventional and bold step on his behalf, and I will always be grateful for this key teaching.
A friend who listens and understands
Your father is someone with whom you can talk about anything anytime. He is always there to listen patiently to you.. To dance with joy with you when you achieve a outstanding success.. and to give you a shoulder to rest your head and cry when things are not going quite well for you. This is not very important for small kids, but gains significance as you become a teenager. No matter whatever be your situation, your father keeps the communication line always open.
I know this is a controversial opinion, and you may cite examples of many parents who have broken communication with the kids. Well, I agree it happens in some cases, and at times the kids themselves are not aware of this opportunity of communication with parents, and do not take full advantage of it. How do I know? I was one such kid myself.
Gives you faith, spirituality
A carefree kid is not so much concerned about spirituality, but its a well known fact that as we hit middle age, many of us discover that it becomes essential to lean back on faith and spirituality to gain the inner strength to deal with daily ups and downs of life. A wise father imparts vital lesson of spirituality in his kids early on, so that when they need it later in life, they are already familiar with it. A family that prays together regularly, rears up kids who have internal strength to take upon any challenge in life without being shattered.
Your Personal Santa Claus
Don't all of us yearn for a Santa Claus who fulfills all our wishes? A father plays such a role for his child, and whenever the child asks for anything - big or small, reasonable or not, he does everything possible to get it for the kid. There is a common wisdom that too much pampering is not good for the kids as it can spoil them, but I personally do not agree with this opinion. I was a pampered kid and I know it was good for me in the end. While it is true that pampering made me a little stubborn as a kid, but I grew out of it soon, and got ready to enjoy the benefits of increased confidence, belief in myself, and positive self-image that came with it.
Sanjay's theory of Period of Rebellion
If a father means so much to his kids, can you imagine kids ever going against their father? We all have come across people who hold strong grudges against their father for one reason or another.
I have a theory about what I call Period of Rebellion that kids usually encounter when they hit teenage. Usually during this period they are overpowered by such an intense anti-parents emotion, that they not only hold them responsible for everything that goes wrong with them, but they also tend to misbehave with them. Usually this phase goes away on its own with time.
What can a parent do during this phase? Armed with this knowledge about Period of Rebellion, it is best to take an analogy of Power-play overs in cricket. Let this phase pass as quietly as you can, carefully avoiding any aggravation from your side. The natural anti-parents feeling will gradually fade away, but any unpleasant memory of a bitter showdown is likely to stay longer.
This was a long post, but I could only touch the tip of this iceberg with my comments. Really, it is hard to capture the meaning of being a father in words. A big Thank You Papaji for showing me what does a perfect father looks like.
