Being Positive When I am hurt

Recently Abhishek (name changed), who is very close to me did something that caused me a lot of hurt. This post is an interesting story of how I tried to come to grips with it.

What happened?

Abhishek and I have enjoyed a very close relation with each other for many years. Last month, he suddenly did something that was least expected given our closeness. His behaviour made me feel bad as it seemed that he did not care about me at all. As is my natural habit, I suffered the emotion silently for some time and waited for it to subside. But the feeling was so strong that it refused to come down. Hence, I decided to talk to him and share my feeling, with the hope that he will realize his mistake immediately, but to my surprise he plainly refused to acknowledge the problem. I felt that he did not listen to my feelings at all, as if I was talking to a wall. Since then, I was feeling really angry and hurt about the episode.

What can I do about it?

What are my options in this situation? Should I stay silent, keep on thinking about it and feeling miserable? Or should I take the violent option and look for right opportunity to strike back and pay him back in his own coin? Will that heal my feelings? Should I unburden myself, discuss the episode with my close ones to share my disappointment? For good measure, I can also criticise him for his behavior. Should I resolve to not expect too much from him going forward and forget about our relationship?

What did I really do?

I chose to apply the magic worry solution from Dale Carnegie to the problem at hand. I thought really hard to answer the simple question - "What I am feeling bad about?" Some possible choices were:

1. The first action that caused the hurt
2. Abhishek's lack of sensitivity
3. Disappointment at eroding state of our relationship
4. The fact that I was not being understood

On thinking hard, I narrowed down to (4). The first important step I decided to take was to forgive and forget about it. I gave myself three reasons why it is a good choice.

1. Most probably, it was not a deliberate act but an inadvertant slip. Hence it is not his fault.
2. The fact that he is unable to understand what went wrong clearly points to the fact that he was not consciously aware of it.
3. Everyone spends a lot of time thinking about himself. Contraty to what I believe, I am not center of his world. His actions are rightfully not dominated by the thought about my feelings.

The moment I decided to let go of the grudge, I felt an immediate release of stress and felt much better first time in many days. It was as if a huge load was lifted from my mind. I felt very light and happy. I could also start thinking, which was not at all possible while I was burning with anger.

Every problem is an opportunity

Once I started thinking about it, I looked for ways to turn this issue into an opportunity. I realized that for many years, my relationship with Abhishek was drifting and eroding. It was a victim of gradual withdrawals from the emotional bank account between us. Over the years, many small incidents were causing continuous damage to our closeness. Both of us were keeping silent about it for the fear that it will break the relationship. This incident forces me to re-think about it. Maybe I have been doing something that is causing pain to him and I do not know about it. We need discussion and dialog to bring it out. This episode is a blessing in disguise that shows me that instead of keeping silent, I should discuss and clarify things to strengthen the bond between us.

I simply care too much about our relationship to let it fall apart without doing anything positive from my side.

What is all this stuff about Private Victory?

When we think of victory, it is very often associated with public visibility and appreciation. It may be an athlete winning a race, or a tennis player winning a crucial game, or an student achieving outstanding academic results, getting through a tough competitive exam, a businessman achieving spectacular success in business, an employee earning a promotion or award at work, there are many more such examples. A victory makes us shine in front of others, and showcases our best part to the world.

Therefore, the term "Private Victory" looks like a contradiction in itself. Can there be any such thing as a private victory?

Take a look at the following stories:

1. Rohit and Amit were camping in a jungle when they heard the roar of a tiger. Rohit started putting up his running shoes immediately. Amit was amused, "No point trying to run. You can not outrun the tiger". Rohit replied, "I do not have to run faster than tiger. I need to just run faster than you."

2. Ina came back from school and proudly declared,"Mummy, I came third in the race today." Her mother asked,"How many kids were running?" Ina replied, "Three."

If these stories make you smile, it reveals the presence of a growing pain in our minds. We are very deeply entrenched in competitive mindset, where winning against others is the most important. This win-lose attitude gives rise to what I call "3-idiots syndrome". The protagonists in the movie felt bad when they did not do well in an exam, but felt miserable when their friend came tops :)

Therefore, we are constantly comparing ourselves against others in all spheres of life. It is not important that I am suceesfull if I am not more successful than my neighbor. Have you not seen kids with 80% marks in board feeling terrible because others have got much more? This mindset is a source of constant stress to everybody, and eventually causes burnouts, health issues, and makes us a "loser".

That is why it is so important to understand the concept of private victory to transform from a "loser" to a "winner". There are three key ingredients of Private Victory, and I will take them one by one:

1. Our victory need not be a defeat for someone
2. Victory over self - Sanyam
3. Private victory precedes public victory

How can we control the damage from extra-competitive mindset? Simply by the thinking that our victory does not imply a defeat for others and vice versa. Its true that we can not avoid competition in real-life situations, but we can decide how we approach it. Let us work on our own performance and try to give our best, rather than on defeating others. Winners compete against themselves, they strive to do a little better every time. It is also helpful to deliberately avoid envy - their victory is not your defeat in anyway. Learn to count your blessings
and enjoy what you do, the stress factor will miraculously disappear.

Another important aspect is gaining victory over ourselves. It is called "Sanyam" in Jain philosophy, and seen as must if we want to achieve anything.

"Apne se apna anushashan, sanyam ki paribhasha"
"Chote chote sankalpo se maanas parivartan ho"
"Doosaro pe jai se pehale, khud pe jai kare"
"Man hi haara, to kya jeeta, to kya jeeta"

Quite simply Sanyam is the art of making a promise to yourself and keeping it.
There are times when we drift through the life, going as per the mood of the moment, and then wondering later when we are hard pressed to finish the work. How can we be effective if we can not get up in the morning at the required time, or can not reach for a meeting on time, or regularly fail to keep our commitments?
So, go ahead and form a habit of making a promise to yourselves and keeping it, it gradually develops a strong will-power just like regular physical exercise builds muscles.

Finally, while the glory of a public victory is certainly good, but private victory must precede public victory in all the cases. Like a garden or a farm, it takes long and constant preparation before the fruit or the crop is ready. Before an student achieves public victory in the form of an outstanding result in the exam, he must put in months of preparation into it, that is dotted with endless private victories everyday. Completing a chapter, taking up a self-test successfully, conquering a tough concept.

Similarly, a successful rocket launch looks like an outstanding achievement, but it is not possible without dedicated preparation by hundreds of people with numerous private victories. We see the victory of an athelete in an olympic game, but what is not visible is the hundreds of private victories that she had to negotiate before reaching that pinaccle.

In his landmark book, Stefen Covey also stresses the need to focus on building strength of character first to prepare ourselves to be effective with others. He lists three habits that help us make progress towards this goal:

a. Be Proactive - Take responsibility for our life and do not blame others
b. Begin with the end in mind - Learn to set our direction, and make sure that we are climbing the right ladder
c. First Things First - spend time on important things, and avoid wasting time

Hence, Private Victory is not a contradiction. It is in fact a concept that we can use to turn ourselves from a stressed out loser to a winner who is at peace with himself and others. So, just focus on achieving a private victory today, it is the best preparation you can do towards getting public victory.