The Apple in the Bag

The Mathematics teacher asked a six-year-old child in the class, “If I give you an apple, then another apple and then one more apple, how many apples will you have?”

With a few seconds the boy replied confidently, “Four!”

The teacher was dismayed as she was expecting an effortless correct answer of three from this boy who was among the brightest in the class. “May be the child did not listen properly,” she thought.

She tried once more, “Please listen carefully. It is very simple. You will be able to do it right if you think about it. If I give you an apple, then another apple and then one more apple, how many apples will you have?”

The boy noticed the disappointment on his teacher’s face, so he listened carefully, and calculated again on his fingers, while trying to come up with the correct answer that will please the teacher. 

This time hesitatingly he replied, “Four...”

The disappointment stayed on teacher’s face. Then she remembered that the boy loves mangoes. She thought maybe he doesn’t like apples and that is making him lose focus. This time with renewed eagerness in her voice, she asked, “What If I give you a mango, then another mango and then one more mango, how many mangoes will you have?”

Sensing the teacher's eagerness, the young boy calculated on his fingers again. Both the child and the teacher felt the pressure to reach a closure on this.

With a hesitating smile and a question in her voice, the young boy replied, “Three?”

The teacher now had a victorious smile as her approach had worked. She wanted to congratulate herself, but before that one last thing remained to be fixed.

So she said, “That's correct, very good. Now tell me, if I give you an apple, then another apple and then one more apple, how many apples will you have?”

The answer came promptly, “Four!”

The teacher was aghast.

“How.... tell me, How?” she demanded in a little stern and irritated voice.

In a voice that was low and hesitating young boy replied, “Because I already have one apple in my bag.”

This little story has a very important lesson for us. We need to learn to appreciate and understand different perspectives. Quite often, we try and impose our perspectives on others and then wonder what went wrong. When someone behaves in a manner that is different from what we expect from them, it is not necessary they are wrong. Maybe its about our perception, or the way we are looking at things. There may be an angle to it that we may have overlooked like the apple in the boy's bag. 

Next time we are in such a situation with someone, let us remind ourselves to check if there is an apple in the bag and ask gently, "Can you please help me understand?"

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About This Post

Thanks Rajashree Kotekar for sharing this inspiring story.

The Value of Friends

A man, who regularly attended meetings with his friends, suddenly without any notice stopped participating. After a few weeks, one very cold night the leader of the friend's group decided to visit him. 

He found the man at home, alone, sitting in front of a fireplace where a bright and cozy fire burned. The man welcomed the leader. The two men sat silently watching  the dancing flames around the logs that crackled in the fireplace.

After a few minutes the leader, without saying a word, examined the logs that formed and selected one of them, glowing most brightly of all, removing it to the side with a pair of tongs. Then he sat down again.

The host was paying attention to everything, fascinated. Before long, the lone log's flame subsided, until there was only a momentary glow and the fire soon went out. In no time what was previously bright light and heat had become nothing more than a black and dead piece of wood.

Very few words had been spoken since the greeting.

Before preparing to leave, the leader with the tongs picked up the useless wood and placed it again in the middle of the fire. Immediately, the hitherto lifeless piece of wood was rekindled, fueled by the light and heat of the burning coals around him.

When the leader reached the door to leave, the host said: Thank you for your visit and for your beautiful lesson. I'll return to the group soon.

This little story has a great lesson about the value of friends in our life. By being close to our friends, we keep each other's flame burning and the closeness among friends keeps the fire strong, effective and lasting. Every friend is a part of it and separated from friends and family, it becomes difficult to keep the fire alive. Let's do our bit to keep the flame alive.

Its also gives us a fresh way to look at numerous social media groups we are a part of these days. At times, we get inundated with the flood of messages coming on the chat on these groups throughout the day and it all seems meaningless to us. At such times, remember the above story. What matters is to be connected. We are here to meet, learn, exchange ideas or simply to know that we are not alone. Be thankful that you are a part of such a wonderful fire.

Life is beautiful with friends and family.

Let us Listen to Others

We are witnessing an unprecedented level of disruption in the country these days due to massive protests against the recently passed citizenship amendment law by the government. The protesters are blaming the government and are unwilling to budge till their voices are heard. Directly or indirectly, the government is trying to label the protesters as anti-nationals, and dismissing the stir as an opposition sponsored political stunt not backed by general public. Some people are giving a communal color to the whole episode, some say it is supported by our neighboring country. The two sides have not had a single discussion so far, and there seem very little chance of them agreeing on something even if they talk.

I do not want to go into who is right and who is wrong argument here. However, as a citizen, I expect a better example of collaboration and synergy from our chosen leaders and fellow citizens. What is going wrong here?

The answer to this question may be found in this beautiful article by Acharya Mahapragya about  a Jain principle that says that we should avoid treating our point of view as the absolute truth, and be willing to listen to others views as well. If both the sides adopt this mindset, it will become feasible to discuss the issue and arrive at a mutually acceptable solution. 

सामान्यत: प्रत्येक आदमी में अपने विचार को अंतिम मान लेने की मनोवृत्ति है। वह अपने हर विचार को अंतिम मान लेता है। यह वृत्ति किसी एक में नहीं, दुनिया के प्राय: सभी लोगों में है। किसी में कम है, किसी में अधिक। प्रत्येक आदमी सोचता है कि मैं जो सोचता हूं, वह बिलकुल ठीक है।

जिसमें विचार का आग्रह नहीं होता, उसके चिंतन में नित नए उन्मेष आते हैं। जिनमें विचार करने की क्षमता कम है , वे अल्पज्ञ हैं। प्राय: देखा जाता है कि जो व्यक्ति चिंतन से दरिद्र होते हैं, वे अपने विचार को सर्वश्रेष्ठ मानते हैं। वे सोचते हैं, उनका विचार किसी सर्वज्ञ से कम नहीं है। जहां विचार मनुष्य की मौलिक विशेषता है, वहीं विचार का आग्रह मनुष्य की मौलिक समस्या भी बना हुआ है।

वचन भी मनुष्य की विशेषता के साथ एक समस्या बना हुआ है। आदमी जल्दी ही विवाद खड़ा कर देता है। एक व्यक्ति कहेगा, आज भोजन अच्छा बना है। दूसरा तत्काल प्रतिवाद करेगा, क्या खाक अच्छा बना है? बिलकुल खराब बना है। कोई कहेगा, नमक नहीं है। कोई कहेगा, इतना काफी है। और बात-बात में एक विवाद खड़ा हो जाएगा।

प्रत्येक वचन के साथ विवाद जुड़ा हुआ है और मनुष्य इस मौलिक समस्या से आक्रांत है।

व्यवहार भी एक समस्या है। कोई आदत बन गई और कहा जाए कि आदत को छोड़ो। शराब पीते हो, पान खाते हो, यह अच्छा नहीं है। दूसरा कहता है, ये कैसे छूट सकते हैं? तीसरा कहता है, भाई, तू क्यों सलाह देता है, इसमें तेरा क्या जा रहा है। चौथा कहता है, पूरा जीवन इसी प्रकार बिता दिया, अब क्या बदलूंगा?

जब तक समन्वय का दृष्टिकोण विकसित नहीं होता, तब तक आदत को बदला नहीं जा सकता। समस्या यह है कि लोग जिस बात को पकड़ लेते हैं, उसे छोड़ना नहीं चाहते। इसलिए सबसे पहले विचार का आग्रह छोड़ें। आपके भीतर सह अस्तित्व का बोध जितना प्रखर होगा, वैचारिक आग्रह उतना ही छूटता चला जाएगा। सापेक्षता का दृष्टिकोण जितना प्रखर होगा, विचार का आग्रह छूटता चला जाएगा।

जैन न्याय के दो प्रसिद्ध शब्द हैं नय और दुर्नय। अनेक सत्यांशों को सापेक्ष दृष्टि से देखना नय है और उन्हें निरपेक्ष सत्य मानना दुर्नय है।

हमारा सारा व्यवहार, वचन और विचार सापेक्ष है। कोई भी विचार निरपेक्ष नहीं है, इसका अर्थ है, कोई भी विचार परिपूर्ण नहीं है। कोई भी वचन निरपेक्ष नहीं है, इसका अर्थ है, प्रत्येक वचन सत्यांश का वाचक है, पूर्ण सत्य का वाचक नहीं है। प्रत्येक व्यवहार सापेक्ष है। इसका अर्थ है कि देश और काल के अनुसार वह बदलता रहता है।

सापेक्षता की समझ विकसित होने पर विचार में अनाग्रह का विकास होता है और वचन विवाद से मुक्त हो जाता है। इससे साधना का एक सूत्र हाथ लगता है - हम प्रवृत्ति करने के लिए स्वतंत्र हैं, अपेक्षित नई आदत का निर्माण कर सकते हैं। हम निवृत्ति करने में भी स्वतंत्र हैं, अवांछनीय पुरानी आदतों को छोड़ सकते हैं।

जो इसे समझ ले, वही दूसरे मनुष्यों के अधिकारों का औचित्य समझ सकता है और उनकी रक्षा कर सकता है। यह सूत्र स्वस्थ पारिवारिक और सामाजिक जीवन की आधारशिला बन सकता है। यह साधना का सूत्र नयवाद की बहुत बड़ी देन है।

Visibility of Your Kindness

Supriya was a very kind hearted woman. If anyone was in difficulty, she always helped the person. But she was also very vocal about her good deeds, and made sure to tell everyone about it. She gave alms to beggars outside the temple where everyone could see her kind act. But at times she did not help those who came to her house, due to the same visibility considerations. Everyone who knew her agreed without hesitation that she is a very kind and helping person.

Smita, on the other hand, was seldom seen doing any act of kindness. She did go a lot among the poor and visited slums and hospitals, but never told anyone about what she did there. All her neighbours including Supriya thought that she was a bit strange and not a vice person.
Unfortunately, while travelling together, the two of them met a fatal road accident one day, and died. As they reached the gates of heaven, Supriya was very optimistic of her prospects due to her good track record at earth. However, she was surprised to see that she was made to wait, while Smita was immediately admitted in heaven.

“What does it mean?”, she demanded from Chitragupt, “I have been so kind and charitable throughout my life, and helped so many people, yet you have let Smita in before me, who has done nothing. This is so unfair. I did not expect it to happen in God’s court”

Chitragupt smiled and replied, “Smita was kind to everyone she met. She was not rich, but she visited and helped poor and sick in many ways. However, she took pains to hide her good deeds from others. She did good, and suffered a lot on earth. So now, she gets the reward for her good karma.”

“And  what about me?”, asked Supriya, with a touch of irritation in her voice.

Chitragupt gave a stern reply, “All the good deeds you did were motivated by a desire to be appreciated and liked by others. You were always very particular about the ‘visibility’ of your kindness. So, when people at earth praised you, liked you, and said good things about you, you enjoyed all that attention, didn’t you?”

“Yes”, admitted Supriya, not sure about where it was heading.

“That was the reward for your good karma that you have already received at earth. In a way you have already encashed part of your karma on earth.”

Everything became crystal clear to Supriya, and she was filled with a feeling of regret, “If only I get a second change”, she thought. At that point, she heard a sound of a bell ringing at a distance. As the bell sound grew louder, she could recognize it to be a familiar sound.

Suddenly, she was woken up from her sleep by this sound of alarm bell, and she realized that she was seeing a dream. God! She was so relieved to find herself alive, and took a resolve not to worry too much about ‘visibility’ for her kind acts.

Secret of Life-Long Marriage

My neighbor and close friend invited me when is parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last year. 50 long years of togetherness! This triggered my brain into thinking. What a coincidence, last week on my way back from work, I heard a play on radio in which a senior couple was talking nostalgically about their married life, and its sweet and sour experiences. They cherished the years spent with each other and felt happy that their relationship survived and got stronger despite several ups and downs.

It was very common for people of my parents’ generation to have a marriage that lasts a lifetime. Even people in my generation are commonly seen celebrating their 25 years of association. However, it seems that marital conflicts, break-ups and divorces are on the rise now. Success rate of marriages is on the decline; couples are finding it frustrating that marriages do not last these days. The sanctity of marriage as an institution is under threat.

What is the cause of this change? Is it due to a shift in social values? Is it due to rise of nuclear families as against joint families of past? Are parents over pampering their kids and making them intolerant in the process?  Is it the influence of western thinking and culture? It is hard to say what exactly is the reason behind it, but the trend seems undesirable and concerning.

We know that today’s generation Y is well educated, and are more aware and vocal about their rights and needs. Today’s girls expect equal treatment in marriage unlike past. The youngsters today are also not afraid of social stigma any more. They cannot tolerate any unfair situation just to keep the marriage alive. Their thinking is, “why drag on with a relationship if it is not working out?” I agree with all of this, but still it does not explain why an otherwise perfect marriage fails to sustain these days due to trivial differences.

We may think along a different perspective too - possibly the long lasting marriages of the yesteryears are overrated. Most of these marriages used to be defunct anyway, where the partners live a life of compromise, pushing their differences and real issues under the carpet just to sustain the marriage. Very often, women used to get an unequal treatment and accept it as their fate.

However, when I carefully look around the long-time happily married couples around me, I find that the reality is very different from the above perception. I could not spot any case of a defunct marriage. None of these couples lived in a constant state of compromise. Instead they had a healthy relationship in which they had adjusted to each other very well and there was no evidence that they are just hiding their differences. There is also a near equality in the relationship. In all these years, they have managed to find the secret of forming a lovely life-long bond. 

Is it worth the effort trying to develop and sustain such a long lasting loving relationship? I can tell you from my experience that it is. Nothing can be more valuable than a life partner who understands you fully, with whom you can drop your pretenses and just be yourself, where you feel happy to just hang around together, one who is your great source of support in good as well as bad times, your best friend forever.

OK, you get the gist, but what is the secret of life-long marriage? Well there can be numerous little things that make it possible to build a life-long relationship, and I am not going to list all of them here, since all rules that apply to inter-personal relationship apply here as well. But the most important rule, particularly for married couples is to accept your life-partner as it is. When you carefully think about it, this acceptance may mean multiple things.

Your Spouse is Unique
Every individual is unique, and so is your partner. Do not compare him with others. There are areas where he is stronger, and there are areas where he is not. Accept him for what he is, with all his strengths and weaknesses. He can never be anyone else, even if he tries his best to do it.

Defects Magnified
A wise elder told me once that when you get so close to someone, you see all his flaws on a much more magnified scale. Remember this fact before you get judgmental about your dear spouse. It is not that he is so bad – he looks so bad from such a close distance. To others viewing him from a distance, he will appear to be a much better person.

Do not be a Nag
Acceptance also mean that do not constantly try to improve your spouse. There is a space for healthy feedback in marriage, but let him decide if he wants to act on it or not. Do not be a constant nag about the changes you want to see in him.

Does all this sounds too complicated and boring to you? Does the complexity of marriage scare you into running away from it? Don’t worry – it is far simpler and enjoyable than what it sounds. Let me try to find a fun way to explain it. How about expressing it as a poem or a song?

I need not look any further – way back in 1965, Anand Bakshi wrote some beautiful lines that capture the essence of what I am trying to say in this post.

चाँद सी महबूबा हो मेरी कब ऐसा मैंने सोचा था |
हाँ तुम बिलकुल वैसी हो जैसा मैंने सोचा था |

Such a Short Journey

Smita was traveling in a train. On next stop, an old grumpy woman came and sat by her side, bumping into her with her numerous bags. Smita felt the inconvenience, but just smiled and did not say anything. The old woman got down on the next station.

Her friend Sankalp who was sitting on the other side and observing all this with growing irritation, asked her, “Why did you not speak up and say something? You know that if you do nor assert yourself, people take you for granted, just like this old woman did.”

Smita responded with a smile, "Calm down Sankalp. It is not necessary to be rude or argue over something so insignificant, our journey together is so short. She already got down, and I too get off at the next stop."

Her response deserves to be the golden yardstick for our daily behavior and interactions. Let us ponder on the response once again:

It is not necessary to argue over something so insignificant, our journey together is so short

If each one of us could realize that our passage down here has such a short duration; to darken it with quarrels, futile arguments, not forgiving others, ingratitude and bad attitudes would be a waste of time and energy.

Did someone break your heart? Be calm, the journey is so short. Did someone betray, bully, cheat or humiliate you? Be calm, forgive, the journey is so short. Whatever pain anyone serves us, let's remember that our journey together is so short.

Let us therefore be filled with gratitude and sweetness. Sweetness is a virtue never likened to bad character nor cowardice, but better likened to greatness. Our journey together down here is really short and cannot be reversed. No one knows the duration of his journey. No one knows if he will have to alight at the next stop. Let us therefore cherish and hold on to friends and family! Let us be calm, respectful, kind, thankful and forgiving to each other.

Because the journey together is so short..

हँसते गाते जहाँ से गुज़र,
दुनिया की तू परवा ना कर,
मुस्कुराते हुए दिन बिताना,
ज़िन्दगी एक सफ़र है सुहाना |

Be Sensitive

Mohan kaka, a postman in Madhopur post office, had been delivering mail in the village for many years. He got a letter for a new address where he had never been before. As usual, he picked up his bag in the morning and started walking and distributing the mail. After finishing all the letters in next few hours, he turned towards the new address.

On reaching there, he knocked gently on the door called, "Postman!"

From the house, he heard a girl's voice, "Kaka, please slip the letter under the door."

"What an arrogant person! I have walked such a long distance to give this letter to her; but can't she even have the courtesy of receiving it herself?", the thought crossed Mohan kaka's mind.

"Please come out and collect it. Its a registered letter, you need to sign its receipt." Mohan kaka said, with obvious irritation in his voice.

"Ok, wait a minute", the girl in the house said.

Mohan kaka waited for several long minutes but nothing happened. He was beginning to lose patience and gave a loud knock on the door, "What is taking you so long? Please hurry up. I don't have whole day.. I have so much work."

Finally when the door opened, it was a moment of sudden paradigm shift for Mohan kaka. He was taken aback to see a teenage girl without legs, struggling to crawl and open the door.

The girl smiled and said, "Sorry kaka I took so much time. Where do I need to sign?"

Mohan kaka was so full of remorse for his impatient behavior that he could not utter a word. He got the signature, handed over the letter and walked back without saying a single word. The image of the girl trying hard to move continued to trouble him for next several days.

A couple of weeks later, there was another letter for the same address. Once again Mohan kaka walked to the house at the end after distributing rest of the post. He was determined this time to correct his past behavior and be more nice to the girl.

He knocked gently on the door and said, “Postman! I do not need your signatures today. Should I slip it under the door?"

"No kaka, wait, I am just coming", said the girl from inside.

Kaka waited with anticipation of meeting her again. After several minutes the girl appeared on the door with a gift-wrapped packet in her hands.

"Kaka, here is a gift for you, give me my letter please", she said, smiling.

"You don't need to give me a gift beti. I am not doing any favor to you, it is my duty.", Mohan kaka said with hesitation.

The girl said, "Please accept it kaka. Its a humble request."

Mohan kaka reluctantly took the packet from the girl and walked back home. He was getting curious to know what is inside. On reaching home as soon as he opened the packet and saw the gift, his eyes welled up with tears.

There was a pair of slippers in the packet. Mohan kaka has been doing his duty barefoot all these years but no one had paid attention to it so far, and this girl spotted it in their first meeting itself. Nothing could be more valuable gift for Mohan kaka.. he started crying and saying repeatedly, "She gave me slippers; but alas! I can not give her feet!"

Sensitivity is all about feeling someone's pain and to try to help. Without any doubt, it is one of the most noble human values. If a girl without feet can be sensitive about Mohan kaka's bare feet, it is a source of inspiration for you and me. Let us look around us, and resolve to be more sensitive towards our family, friends, neighbors, and society.

Let us try to spread cheers and gift 'slippers' to at least one barefoot that we come across.    

How to Make Your Volunteer Group Effective

Are you a part of a volunteer group like a charity organization, a social service club, or a neighborhood group? How is your experience in the team? Are the results from the team below expectations, in-spite of having experienced members with a track record of success at work? Does it look lackluster or slow? Do you notice some of the following symptoms in your group?

• All members are not engaged equally. There are some members who are very active (and therefore are the workforce of the team), and there are others who are passive. There is a general lack of participation and initiative in the group activities.
• Different members seem to be running in different directions, hence there is a lack of concerted efforts.
• The team is unable to discuss anything amicably. There is such a ferocious argument and conflict on each and every topic that is discussed that it is impossible to reach any decision in a meeting. Consequently, to make progress, all decisions are made outside the meetings and then rolled out to the members.
• The team structure is very fragile. Every now and then, some member offers his resignation as he or she is not happy with the situation. To keep the team together itself seems to be a big effort.

It is not at all surprising. Getting a big team to perform at the peak of its potential involves keeping all members engaged and motivated, which is not an easy task; And the challenge gets multiplied when it is a voluntary team with no clear leader, in which the motivation of the members is diverse and different from a team at work. How do we get such a team to perform more effectively? Here are a set of suggestions that may be handy.

Start Right
Before you form the team, make sure to articulate its purpose and mission, and take time to align all the members to this purpose. This may not sound important, but it is the vital force that drives a team. This exercise defines a true North and points everyone towards it. Once each member has a clear view of North, it will be easy to navigate the group in the desired direction.

Clear Roles and Responsibilities
Take time to define the roles and responsibilities of the team members with complete clarity. A volunteers team usually has an elaborate organization, so this is not a problem. The real issue is that due to the informal nature of the team, people do not take the roles seriously and inadvertently step onto other people's toes. This can cause skirmishes, and even conflicts that are blown out of proportion in the extreme case.

Here is an anecdote to illustrate my point. A social group had a designated chairman, and they treated him with a lot of respect. In meetings, every agenda items got discussed with the permission of the chairman and so on. However, very soon, different people in the team started taking decisions about the group programs without even informing the chairman, which was a clear violation of the chairman's circle of influence. After watching it silently for some time, the chairman finally decided to express his objection, hoping that the team will listen to him and correct the behavior. However, the team was convinced that the chairman had no role to play in making these decisions, so they argued with the chairman. Finally, the chairman had to put up with the situation. This is a good example of unclear roles in the team.

Maintain keen Focus
Define short and mid term goals for the team and keep a keen focus on the goals. Nothing energizes a team more than a sense of achievement. Also, make sure to signup for goals that are realistic. Having big stretch goal may sometimes work as a motivator, but make sure not to bite more that what you can chew as a team. If you do that, you will be compelled to nag your members, and this will sure be a big de-motivator.

Adequate Communication
Communication is the key to a team's performance, and it has to be a two way communication. Make sure all important information reaches the members in a timely manner, and make sure every member gets a patient hearing. When you do not listen to the team members, you pave the way for them getting demotivated and disengaged. In the past, face-to-face meetings used to be an effective way of ensuring communication in the team, but in the modern age, we can leverage technology to to it more effectively. Why not use social media platforms like Facebook groups or Whatsapp groups for ensuring communications on the go. Even if you hold a meeting, send the meeting notes on Whatsapp so that those who could not attend the meeting will come on-board as well.

Make Decisions Together
This may be the trickiest part for many of you. Always discuss the issues within the team before arriving at a decision. Why? The reason is two fold:

• When you discuss a decision well in the team, the team is more likely to align itself on the decision and rally behind it.
• The principle of synergy states that one plus one can be three, five, or even eleven. When two people combine their ideas in synergy, the outcome will be far better than what any of them could do himself. However, the process of arriving at synergy requires lots of discussion in the team. As a team, do not avoid conflict, but actively encourage difference of opinions and discussions. Do not try to suppress the contradictory opinion. It may help you make a decision quickly, but the quality of the decision will be much richer if you allow discussions and dissent. You need not be too concerned about the resulting slowdown in the decision making. Use the discussion to collect all the facts and opinions about the issue at hand, and in case the difference of opinion persists, let the team leader take a call.

Organize Finances Well
Most teams have to deal with some receipts and expenditure, and because of the informal nature of the team, this is one area that most team tend to take lightly. Avoid this pitfall and make sure to keep a detailed account of all your receipts and expenses, check your balances often against the expected, and share the account regularly with the team. I know a neighborhood team that does it very well using a spreadsheet to keep the account and a printout is circulated every month to all members.

When you do not keep a clear account, the indirect implication on integrity can cause undue complications, even if the intentions of all involved are good. Here is an anecdote to illustrate this point. A social group organized a very big event that had huge collection and expenses. In the hustle-bustle of the big ceremony, the team could not manage to keep account of every receipt and expense. When the person in charge of finance was asked about it some time later, he obviously did not have the required account details, so in an effort to cover up, he claimed that there is no savings as some people have not yet paid their dues, and he produced a list of people whom he saw as 'defaulters'. None of these people were real defaulters, because they either did not agree to contribute, or had paid to someone else in the team that went off-record. Also, none of them were ever reminded about the dues. You can imagine the kind of mistrust it would have generated among those contributors. It would be an uphill task to get them to contribute for the cause again.

Don't Shoot the Messenger 
If there are members who are criticizing a certain decision or action, accept their feedback with grace, and don't think of them as trouble-makers, and try to bulldoze them into silence. It is not difficult to silence the critics as it is a volunteer organization, and they are not likely to persist if they sense that there feedback is not getting accepted in the right spirit. This will buy you harmony in the group in the short run, but will deprive you of the crucial feedback from members in future, as all members will get the message that honest feedback is not appreciated in this team.

Take Time to Appreciate People
This is such a simple principle, yet it is ignored very often. When you take time to appreciate team members for their contribution, it has two positive impacts on the team. It makes the person feel good that his efforts have been recognized, and it creates a positive atmosphere in the team that motivates the members to contribute with more enthusiasm. This one action, if practiced well, can make a huge difference in the energy level of the team. However, as a member or leader of the team, prepare to be self-motivated by the results you obtain and don't rely on explicit external appreciation to be the only source of your motivation.

These are only some of the points that comes to my mind. There can be more, but taking care of the above factors should help you make your volunteer team more effective and cohesive than what it is today. Once the team has learned how to do constructive discussions, it can find ways of improving on its own. 

Harness the Power of Paradigm Shift

It is said that each of us look at the world through our own colored glasses; therefore we perceive it differently from everyone else. We see the world not "as it is" but "as we are". Similarly, we use our colored glasses to interpret everything that happens around us; so we may view an event good or bad  depending on how we look at it. Look at the picture above, you may see a young woman in it, or you may see an old woman, depending on your paradigm.

This concept can play a very powerful role in enriching our day-to-day experience with other people. How? Majority of inter-personal issues crop up due to each side sticking to their own viewpoint. In your interaction with others, keep in mind that what you are seeing is not the absolute reality but is being filtered through your viewpoint, and make a sincere attempt to look at the situation from other's viewpoint; it will be an eye opener. This is called "Paradigm Shift", and it is the most powerful idea that you can use in inter-personal interactions.

All this sounds too much idealistic academic stuff that would not work in practical situations? Let me demonstrate what Paradigm Shift means through a thought exercise.  

Imagine you're at airport waiting for your flight to depart when you notice a kiosk selling shortbread cookies. You buy a box, put them in your traveling bag and then you patiently search for an available seat so you can sit down and enjoy your cookies. Finally you find a seat next to a middle-aged gentleman.

You reach down into your traveling bag and pull out your box of shortbread cookies. As you do so, you notice that the gentleman starts watching you intensely. He stares as you open the box and his eyes follow your hand as you pick up the cookie and bring it to your mouth.

Just then he reaches over and takes one of your cookies from the box, and eats it! You're more than a little surprised at this. Actually, you're at a loss for words. Not only does he take one cookie, but he alternates with you. For every one cookie you take, he takes one.

Now, what's your immediate impression of this guy? Crazy? Greedy? He's got some nerve! Can you imagine the words you might use to describe this man to your associates back at the office?

Meanwhile, you both continue eating the cookies until there's just one left. To your surprise, the man reaches over and takes it. But then he does something unexpected. He breaks it in half, and gives half to you.

After he's finished with his half he gets up, and without a word, he leaves.

You think to yourself, "Did this really happen?" You're left sitting there dumbfounded and still hungry. So you go back to the kiosk and buy another box of cookies.

You then return to your seat and begin opening your new box of cookies when suddenly you glance down into your traveling bag.

Sitting there in your bag is your original box of cookies....still unopened.

Only then do you realize that when you reached down earlier, you had reached into the other man's bag, and grabbed his box of cookies by mistake.

Now what do you think of the man? Generous? Tolerant? You've just experienced a profound paradigm shift. You're seeing things from a new point of view. It is the same man and the same behavior, but your interpretation of the behavior has taken a complete U turn.

This example demonstrate how a paradigm shift can help us see things in a different light. Why don't we make a habit of questioning our paradigms?  Things may not be what they seem to us. Let us think outside the box and be open to suggestions.Seeing things from a new point of view can be very
enlightening. Let us try and harness the power of paradigm shift in our daily life.

Take Time to Appreciate People

Very often, most of us get so busy in the hustle-bustle of every-day life that we do not find time to appreciate people around us and tell them how much they mean to us. A little positive feedback from us can mean a lot to our friends and family.

If you also fall in this category, this beautiful story is a must read.

One day the maths teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual. On Monday she gave each student his or her list.

Before long, the entire class was smiling. 'Really?' she heard whispered. 'I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!' and, 'I didn't know others liked me so much,' were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

Several years later, one of the students named Sumit was killed in Kargil war and the teacher went to attend his funeral. She had never attended funeral of a serviceman before. He looked so handsome, so mature. The place was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk. The teacher was the last one to bless. As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. 'Were you Sumit's math teacher?' he asked. She nodded, 'yes.' Then he said, 'Sumit talked about you a lot.'

After the funeral, most of Sumit's former classmates were there. Sumit's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

'We want to show you something,' his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket 'They found this on Sumit when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.'

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Sumit's classmates had said about him.

'Thank you so much for doing that,' Sumit's mother said. 'As you can see, Sumit treasured it.'

All of Sumit's former classmates started to gather around. Arjun smiled rather sheepishly and said, 'I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home.'

Prithwiraj's wife said, ' Prithwiraj asked me to put his in our wedding album.'

'I have mine too,' Rashmi said. 'It's in my diary'

Then Deepali, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. 'I carry this with me at all times,' Deepali said and without batting an eyelash, she continued, 'I think we all saved our lists'

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Sumit and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are good, and they are special and important to you. Tell them, before it is too late.

This Diwali, Let Us Strive for Emotional Prosperity

Wish you and your family happiness and prosperity on the auspicious occasion of Diwali, and this means not just financial prosperity alone, but Emotional Prosperity too. What does Emotional Prosperity mean and how can we achieve it?

When we have close and affectionate relationship with the friends and family members around us, it is a measure of our Emotional Prosperity. Just like financial prosperity provides us security, Emotional Prosperity fills our life with happiness that comes from a sense of love and belonging. This at times may be even more significant in our lives.

If we want to enjoy close relationship with someone, we need to build trust between us, and that requires that we make regular deposits in the Emotional Bank Account, to accumulate a healthy balance in it.

Making emotional deposits is not difficult at all once we understand the concept. Here are some easy ways to make emotional deposits. Let us keep a keen eye for any opportunities to make these deposits.

The Deposit of Listening

Just paying attention to someone and listening to him is a big emotional deposit. However, it is essential that you really listen without interrupting. Avoid daydreaming or planning your response as you listen with the intent to understand the person.

The Deposit of Affection

Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and holds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends. This is one area that we very often neglect. Try it with your close ones and you will be amazed to see its impact.

The Deposit of Laughter

Share jokes and funny stories on WhatsApp and email. Use humor in your interactions. This is your way of saying, "I like to laugh with you."

The Deposit of Written Note

The art of writing notes is gradually disappearing, but it can be a very handy emotional deposit. It can be a simple "Thank You", “Sorry”, or “Well Done” note, or can be a more elaborate expression of your feelings. A handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life at times.

The Deposit of Appreciation

Very often we notice things worth appreciation in other, but we hold ourselves back from expressing it for various reasons. Sincere appreciation is one of the biggest emotional deposits. A simple and sincere, "You look great in in this dress”, "You did a great job" or "That was a tasty meal" can make someone's day. Go ahead and press the like button on Facebook more often. Add comments of genuine appreciation to the posts that you like. You do not gain anything by holding back your appreciation for something you like.

The Deposit of a Favor

When a friend is in need and you help him, it gives you double benefit. It is the easiest way to raise your happiness, and it also works well as an emotional deposit. Howsoever small is the favor, the thoughtfulness behind it helps build trust in your relationship. Make it a habit to look for ways to help a friend every day.

The Deposit of Solitude

There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. If you be sensitive to those times and let the person have the gift of solitude, you will make an emotional deposit.

The Deposit of Cheer

The easiest way to make someone feel good is to simply greet him cheerfully when you see her. Really, it's not that hard to say, Hi, Hello, or Good Morning with a smiling face, and it immediately makes an emotional deposit.

So, if you want to grow the Emotional Account balance, get into the habit of making regular deposits. I have listed a few possible deposits in this post, and if you look around, you will find numerous other ways to make deposits. Seize all such opportunities, and grow the trust balance in your relationships. The resulting improvement in quality of your relationships will make this effort worthwhile.

The Dilemma of a Lonely Star

Imagine you are the brightest member in a team. Your knowledge and skills are above everyone, and you are able to solve even the most difficult problems and have a good reputation of achieving outstanding results. With such a strong show, can anything trouble you at work? However, it seems you are not really happy as you see mediocrity all around you - a bunch of average people struggling to do their job. You regret that no one displays the drive for excellence. It does not work out whenever you entrust someone with any task. They make mistakes every now and then, and have to be corrected very often to ensure the outcome. With such people, it is a big effort to have a useful meeting. They do not talk sense during the discussions and there is no focus on the outcome in their approach.

You feel overburdened with work as you end up doing everyone else’s work besides your own tasks. Work piles up on you as you take on more and more.  Your only wish is that if only other people can be made to contribute more productively, it will be a big relief to you. 

Another problem you face is that most people at work try to keep a safe distance from you. You find it impossible to get close to people even when you try hard.

One fine day, you get to overhear a water cooler gossip at office about a person affectionately nicknamed ‘The Bully’

People are describing him as a dominating personality who does not show respect to others. He is constantly interrupting others and does not allow people to talk in meetings. He is intelligent, but full of himself. Don’t know why he is so critical of everyone and everything. He wants to have things done in his own way (my way or highway syndrome).

This discussion makes you wonder, “This person is really unpopular in the team.  Who can be such a bully? You try to match with everyone you know in the office, but do not succeed. It perplexes you. Whom are they talking about?

What if I tell you that they are talking about you?

Shocked? You may find it hard to believe. What a bunch of ungrateful people. After all you have done for them; they have the guts to gossip about you in this manner? You don’t enjoy correcting them. Why do you have to correct them if they do not make so many mistakes? These people have got it all wrong. You wish someone can make them see the reality.

What has gone wrong here? Why is everyone against you despite such herculean efforts from your side?

I believe that the single factor responsible for this situation is your own attitude and behavior. Read what people are saying about you again and think carefully – are you not doing some of these things? I can say it from experience that the best way to alter the way people perceive you is by changing your own behavior.

You may be asking, “Why should I change? What do I lose if I continue like this?” You know that if you continue to be a lonely star, it will seriously limit your overall effectiveness. You can achieve much more if you can manage to take others along. Work situations are more like a relay race, not a solo sprint. You cannot win if you rely on your brightness alone. You have to pass on the baton to other players and let them run forward with it. Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Steve Jobs are some finest examples of super smart people who achieved outstanding success. Did they do it all alone? In fact each of them took the help of hundreds and thousands of people to turn their dream into reality. What makes you believe that you can do it alone? In fact if you do not change now, you run a risk of reaching a burnout stage soon.

You may have an objection, “But when I try to get others to work, it causes loss of my own productivity. It is far better to do it myself rather than trying to explain it to someone else.” This is your dilemma. Should you try teamwork and lose your productivity or should you take on everything yourself, and get overloaded in the process?

The answer to your dilemma is simple - go for teamwork. I agree that you may lose some time in teamwork; still this is the only way you can multiply your output. Let me use some simple mathematics here. Even if you lose half your productivity in teamwork and get a team of four going at half the efficiency, you still multiply your output 2.5 times.  And if you work on developing more leaders in the team, it can have an exponential effect on the productivity. With one more leader who can guide four more members, the output goes up with a factor of five.

And with the team pitching in, you can take yourself out of the critical path. So, things continue to be in motion even when you are away. When you work well with other people, you become people’s hero, and they enjoy working with you. Who does not want to have a heavy lifter in the team?


However, you may need to alter your approach towards others if you want teamwork to succeed. Here are some ideas on how to make these changes. Apply these ideas one at a time and you will find that gradually you will start liking working in a team.

1. You are smarter than others, but do maintain a healthy respect for all. Everyone has his own unique capabilities. Be sensitive to others. Do not insult people with your words, gestures, or actions.
2. When people talk, listen to them carefully, do not keep your mind busy in forming your response and do not interrupt.
3. When you talk, watch you language. How often do you use ‘I’, ‘me’, or ‘my’? Consciously change it and try to use more ‘we’ and ‘you’ than ‘I’.
4. Do not assume that people understand you. Take time to explain yourself and your purpose behind what you are trying to accomplish.
5. Let people try their own ways of doing the job. Do not force your way on them.
6. When you give feedback to someone, criticize the action and not the person.
7. Take time to develop soft skills. Do not see it as an unnecessary frill for the job you have to do.

I have painted the extreme picture with some exaggeration to illustrate the point clearly; in reality the situation is never so black or white, but a shade of gray. So if you are a lonely star you may find a partial match in the description above. You may be effective working with people at certain times, while may find it impossible to take them along at other times.

Most of us have experienced being a lonely star and working with one at different times.  I hope that with this post I could manage to highlight its downside and stress the benefits of correcting your approach towards others. A small step in this direction can go a long way to help you multiply your effectiveness.

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More about this Post

The thought discussed in this post was echoed when the board of Housing.com, a real estate listing site, sacked its CEO and co-founder Rahul Yadav in July 2015. Rahul is such a brilliant person that he is a perfect example of the star mentioned in this post. He took the company from 0 to 1500 crores in a short span a time and gave his shares worth 200 crores to the employees; yet he had to face ouster from the company, possibly since he forgot the basic principle that you need to take people along to sustain a brilliant idea.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/business/india-business/With-good-coach-he-can-come-back/articleshow/47903141.cms

Here is another view of the episode from Haresh Chawla of India Value Fund, who gave the following advice to Rahul:
 
"If you are a lone-player with great talent - like a sportsperson or an artist or painter - you are then free to work alone, without regard to what the world thinks of you...
But if you’ve chosen to be a manager, you’ve then got to be among people, collaborate with them, lead them or be led by them, be able to handle their frustrations, to handle their competence and their incompetence. It's an ego-crushing journey where you need to learn to allow people their space to work. It has very little to do with intelligence - it is more about developing sensitivity - finding a way to motivate people, to pull them in one direction. A journey of frustration, but equally one of triumph when you see the team working together and winning."

http://www.foundingfuel.com/article/the-rahul-yadav-story-youve-never-heard-before/

Emotional Intelligence - an Essential Life Skill

It is widely believed that our success is largely dependent on the level of our intelligence. You can picture that the most intelligent, brainy, and bright people crack all the tests and get all the opportunities to go ahead, while those with lesser IQ stay behind. No doubt IQ is an important factor for our success; however, as we look around, we may spot several contradictions to the belief. We may find many successful people with average intelligence, with a knack of always saying and doing the right thing. Similarly we may come across many bright and intelligent people who are not very successful as they give in to their moods and act impulsively. Is this just a matter of chance or is there something else at play here?

This questions perplexed scientists till they discovered Emotional Intelligence that provided a vital clue to solve this puzzle. They found that our ability to deal well with emotions is an equally vital indicator of our effectiveness. They even carried out studies showing that even if you have a high IQ, you have a small chance of outperforming those who have high Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Thus Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is more important for success than IQ. It is an essential life skill that was not very well understood and acknowledged till recently. Can we measure EQ? Can we do something to improve our EQ? Fortunately, the answer is yes for both the questions.

Emotional Intelligence is broadly defined as our ability to understand and manage our own emotions and the emotions of others. Dr Travis Bradberry and Dr Jeans Greaves have been actively providing training to people on how to enhance Emotional Intelligence, and they have captured their knowledge in a very useful book titled “Emotional Intelligence 2.0”. I strongly recommend this book to everyone who wants to work on EQ enhancement. According to the authors, any stimulus first triggers an emotion in us, and we humans are hardwired to give an impulsive, automatic, emotional reaction to it. The automatic reaction is not the optimal response required in most cases. So, replacing the automatic reaction with a conscious, carefully thought out response as a matter of habit is the skill that we need to build.

What I liked most about this book is that Drs Bradberry and Greaves have created this book not as a work of theory, but as a self-paced practical training program to improve your Emotional Intelligence. The reader is introduced to the constituent skills of Emotional Intelligence and encouraged to take up an on-line test at the start to find his EQ score. He also gets a customized recommendation about which skill he should work on first to get maximum benefit. For improving each of the skills, the book gives a number of practical strategies that can be applied in everyday life. So, from a passive reader, you turn into an active participant in the improvement process. After you have worked on the program for a few months, you are encouraged to take the EQ test again and verify your progress. Needless to say, even before you take the second test, you can start seeing the benefits of the improved EQ in everyday life.

According to the book, Emotional Intelligence has following four component skills:

Self-awareness

Self-awareness is our ability to understand our emotions and our automatic reaction to a situation under the emotion. This is the first and the most fundamental emotional intelligence skill. Very often, we do not become aware of the fact that we are reacting under the influence of a strong emotion. When do we feel angry, frustrated, impatient, excited, or elated? What triggers these emotions in us and how do we feel when have these emotions? How do we naturally react?  We become aware of our emotions as soon as we start observing our thoughts and behavior, and it paves the way for us to leverage our emotions constructively.

    

Self-management

Self-management is about taking time to think when we are hit by emotions, and produce a careful response in place of the automatic emotional reaction. As we apply some thought to the situation, it already starts to improve our ability to come out with a better response. Remember, we are not talking about suppressing the emotion altogether. The fact that we experienced an emotion, can provide us with some valuable information. Instead of killing the emotion and losing this information, we want to stay in sufficient control to carefully think and do what makes most sense in the given situation.

Social awareness

Social awareness is about being able to understand the emotions of others around us. What are they feeling about the situation? What are the emotions they are going through? Why are they saying or doing something? What are the verbal cues they are giving out, and what are the non-verbal cues visible from their body language, tone, expressions, etc? The single most important technique to improve social awareness is to listen intently to others. Drop all other thoughts from mind when you carefully listen to the other person with a sincere intent to understand.

Relationship management

Finally, it comes to managing your interactions with others well. You can easily see that good relationship management can make you more effective at work, home, and with friends. Armed with the first three skills, you take the steps necessary to have a positive interaction with others and use it to build up a healthy relationship over time. In case of a clash of opinion, you use this skill to manage your emotions and have a constructive dialog for a mutually agreeable solution.

Sharpen your Emotional Intelligence - Today

If you have not yet consciously thought about your Emotional Intelligence, now is the time to do so. Do take time to read and learn about it as much as you can. If you think there is a need to improve it, work on the improvements. It is never too late to develop this skill, and it promises a more rewarding and fulfilling life to you.

Since Emotional Intelligence is such an important skill, ideally it should be taught in schools so that kids master this essential skill very early in life. Unfortunately, the academic world is single-mindedly focused on test grades and academic achievement, and the soft-skills are often neglected in the process or given a lip service at best.

While the education system takes time to wake up to the importance of Emotional Intelligence, let us make effort to educate ourselves thoroughly about it and help our kids to develop a healthy EQ, an essential life skill that will go a long way to make them successful.

Good news is that today’s generation Y already has better EQ than what I had when I was young. It can be a sign of the times, an effect of gradual evolution, or a result of their better social connectivity; whatever is the reason, I am not complaining.  

What is all this Stuff about Relationships?

Famous psychologist Abraham Maslow said that love and a sense of belonging is an essential need for human beings. As much as we need food and water for nourishment of body, we need love to nourish our heart.  Relationship with family and friends is a great source of love, but its a double edge sword. Sometime it can also cause us a lot of pain when it does not work out.

Naturally we all wish to keep our relationships in a healthy state, but inter-personal relationship is such a complex subject that the delicate relationship may go haywire within no time if we are not careful. How do we maintain our relationships healthy? I have been searching for an answer to this question for many years and have written several posts on this topic based on my readings and experiences. This post is a collection of all the ideas that I gathered along the way.

When we talk about relationships, most of us imagine only marriage or love relationships, and we tend to take for granted our relationship with parents, siblings, relatives, or co-workers; but we need to put in equal amount of care with these as well else these too carry the risk of becoming defunct.
Here are the suggestions for keeping your relationships in a good shape:

Keep good Balance in Emotional Bank Account

Emotional Bank Account represents the trust between the two of you. Simply put, when you show love, care, and understanding, you make a deposit in the Emotional Bank Account, and when you make the other person unhappy with your actions, it causes a withdrawal. If you maintain a healthy balance in this account, you will have enough trust to withstand minor breaches. So, take time to regularly make small deposits and soon you will accumulate a good balance.

Take time to Understand

Most often we complain that the other person does not understand us, and spend a lot of effort in making ourselves understood. Do we also take pain to understand him too? Try your best to understand first, then work on making yourself understood. Don’t rely on your assumptions about the other person. Make a habit to listen and observe carefully to develop a sound understanding about him.   

Control your Anger

Leave the Angry Young Man for the movies. Anger does funny things to you. It makes you behave in ways that you really don’t want to and results in a damage to a relationship that cannot be undone. Learning to recognize your anger and control it is the most important skill you need to work on. This is also useful in increasing your effectiveness in many other areas of your day-to-day life.

Learn to sort out Differences

No two persons think alike and you are bound to have differences. We need to know how to handle such differences constructively, free of excess emotions. A useful tip for the ‘brainy’ people who like to argue with people to prove themselves right - Avoid doing it; you may win the argument but lose a friend. 

Behave well when Hurt

Once-in-a-while you may lend up getting hurt and feeling bad. It is important to control your emotions in such a case and handle it in a constructive manner. Above all be ready to let it go by forgiving the person who has caused the hurt, since forgiveness is for your own good. Similarly, recognize when you have hurt someone and apologize sincerely.

CRTL-ALT-DEL

In spite of our best efforts, a relationship may get so much entangled that it looks beyond repair. What to do in such a case? Do we bailout and end the relationship, put up with the messy situation, or take pains to discuss and resolve the issue? The answer depends on the situation. First of all ask yourself, “Is this relationship important for me?” If the answer is yes, take time to discuss, understand and resolve. However, at times the best strategy is to reboot the relationship, erase the past memories of painful interaction, and start a new chapter. This can give you the quickest and most effective way to bring back a derailed relationship on track. However, remember that it will work only if you have forgiven the person, are willing to forget the painful episode, and let go of the emotion of hurt associated with it.

How do you know that all this is practical wisdom and not an armchair prescription? Look around you and you will find these ideas in everyday use. Let me narrate an experience I went through as an example.

My relationship with a close relative Hritik (name changed) had not been going too well. I believe some of my bad actions must have made him upset with me and then he did something equally bad that made me see red. I do not know if it was in retaliation, but I fear the worst in the absence of any information. Now here were the two of us, nursing strong emotions against each other in our hearts, and hoping that someone will set the matter right for us. We did not talk much about it, and held on to our grudges silently. I knew that if we apologize or have a dialog, it will easily set the matter right, but we did not care to do it since both of us were equally angry.

The situation was not really good since this was a kind of constant load that we were carrying in our hearts. The passage of time also helped in blunting the sharp edge of our emotions. We do not live in the same city, so we did not have to be face-to-face often, still I really wished that we could get over it somehow, and Hritik must have shared the same sentiment too. Given this background, when we got an opportunity to meet in person again, I decided not to waste any time in discussing my past grudges, but apply a CRTL-ALT-DEL to reboot our relationship. As I went about it, to my surprise, I sensed an equal willingness on Hritik’s part to go along. We made a fresh beginning successfully on that occasion and it lifted a huge load from my mind. Did we get back to the same level of closeness as we had before? Maybe not, but the most important gain was that we got back a working relationship from its defunct status, and I felt really happy about it afterwards.

Inter-personal relationship is too involved a topic to be covered in just a few bullets, and there are many more aspects to it. However, you need not be inundated with all this complexity. Be sincere, follow your heart, and have empathy – it should generally be enough to help sail through it smoothly. Above all, take time to experience the wonderful feelings of love when the going is good. It will give you motivation for restoring a derailed relationship.    

What is All This Stuff about Expectations?

Recently I came across the following post on Facebook:

Expect nothing from others and you'll never be disappointed.
Truth of my life - I stay happy as I never expect anything from others.

This post triggered interesting thoughts and discussion. There is a lot of truth in it. All of us are familiar with the shattering feelings of pain when someone close to us ditches our hopes. Many relationships break down due to belied expectations. Hence it is not unreasonable to connect expectations with disappointments and failed relationships. We may say that relationship without expectations is likely to last longer.

 
However, there is another side of this picture as well. Let us not forget the immense satisfaction we get when a loved one meets our anticipation. Close relationships are built on the foundation of interdependence, a beautiful way of life allowing us to have expectations from each other and fulfill them. Hence, expectations are part of relationships and if they are reasonable, they are good. Without exciting things to look forward to, a relationship may last longer but won't be strong or close.
 
So, should we take the risk and have expectations to spice up our relationship or should we play it safe with a no expectations policy to avoid heartbreaks? Is there a way we can have both – enjoy the tadka of anticipation in our close relationship without the accompanying risk? I don’t know the answer myself, but let me try to collect some ideas in this post in search of an answer. 
 
If we look back at our close relationships, we have come across many happy instances of people delighting us by fulfilling or even exceeding expectations, as well as bitter memories of people not meeting our expectations. Let me try to analyze these two cases separately. I will take the happy case first and try to recall the situations when my expectations were met. Every situation may be unique but I notice the following common pattern in all these instances:

1. The person cared enough about me.
2. He was aware of the fact that I expected something.
3. We worked together to make him understand clearly what was expected from him and agreed upon it.
4. He was capable of doing it if he made a reasonable attempt.
5. If the result fell short of my expectations in-spite of the efforts, I appreciated his efforts and accepted the outcome. If necessary, I encouraged him to attempt again and stayed patient. 

Now let me take the bitter case, when the belied expectations have hurt my feelings and try to find the common reasons behind it: 

1.    Closet Expectations

Very often, I did not tell the other person that I am anticipating something from him. This seems to me that the most common reason behind belied expectations. It is so simple yet so elusive. I expected a close one to read my mind or body language and did not tell him directly what I wanted. Now that I know this, I can fix it by communicating my expectation to others and not keeping it a secret. 

2.    Unclear Expectations

In some cases, I conveyed my anticipation in somewhat vague terms. Hence the other person did not have a clear understanding of what I expected. Here again I made assumptions that he had an implicit understanding of what I wanted, so I did not take pain to communicate and clarify expectations.
In a close relationship, it is helpful to clarify expectations regularly, and it also makes the relationship stronger. Hence, the key to fix this factor is in my hands as well. 

3.    Unreasonable Expectations

In a few instances, I expected too much from a close one, which was either not possible for him to meet, or not reasonable for me to expect. A close relationship is not a license for me to impose my whims and fancies on the other person. I need to have a healthy respect for him, and when I violate this rule, I am asking for heartache.

4.    Lack of Acceptance

At times, I was in situations when the other person tried his best but failed to come up to my expectations. There should not be any emotion involved here, but I made it an emotionally charged issue by not accepting the situation.  

5.    Surge of Emotions

In all the above cases, I tied up my happiness to this expectation, and hence I felt a surge of bitter emotions – disappointment, hatred, anger that made me unhappy. It is this factor that makes it risky to have expectations. If only I can learn to detach my happiness from the outcome, a failed expectation will no longer be a shattering experience for me. In other words, I would have learned how to handle the downside. Is it easy to separate out emotions? Definitely not, but given the benefits, it is worth to try it out. 
 
Going through this analysis has clarified my thinking, and the following picture seems to be emerging for effective handling of expectations:

• Reduce the risk. Never attach a high emotional stake to an expectation. Resolve to be happy irrespective of the outcome.
• Work with the other person positively towards success – communicate and clarify your expectations, help him in his efforts. Accept him and be patient if he falls short.  

And here is how it fits on the two sides of the picture we talked about earlier: 

Side A

It is best to do away with expectations with high emotional stake attached to them (a demand) as it can have a destructive impact. A relationship is likely to last longer without such demands. 

Side B

Expecting and Accepting are part of a healthy relationship. When high emotional stakes are taken out, a close relationship can get better with proper play of expectations. Not all expectations have to be met. So long as our expectations do not become demands, and we know how to deal with the failed ones, it works out fine.

Armed with this knowledge, from now on I am going to try “safe expectations” in my close relationships and hope I would never have to use the following lines with a close one :)
 

 न मै तुमसे कोइ उम्मीद रखूँ दिलनवाज़ी की,   न तुम मेरी तरफ देखो गलत अन्दाज़ नज़रो से

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About This Post

• From this discussion, it should be clear that managing expectations plays a major role in a close relationship. So, if you are on the other side, make every effort to uncover, clarify, and understand the expectations that the other person has from you. Do not shy away from making promises and take your promises seriously and keep your word at all costs. This is a sure fire way to build up your emotional bank account reserves.
• रिश्तों की चाय में शक्कर ज़रा माप के ही रखना! फीकी हुई तो स्वाद नही आएगा और ज्यादा मीठी हुई तो मन भर जाएगा

Law of the Garbage Truck

There are times when you come across people who take out their anger on you for no reason at all, and you are left wondering what did you do to cause so much anger in them. Going by the first principle that I have control over my thoughts and actions, not on him, what should we do in such a situation? How can we deal with such people effectively? Should we fight back, try to pacify him or let it go? I have been pondering over this question for a long time. This week I came across an inspiring story that has a good solution for this puzzle. I am sharing the story below with the hope that it will be helpful for you.

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. I mean, he was really friendly.
I asked him, 'Why did you just do that? This guy could almost ruin your car and sent us to the hospital!'
This is when my taxi driver taught me the Law of the Garbage Truck. He explained that at times people behave like garbage trucks, running around filled with the garbage of frustration, anger, envy, hatred, and disappointments. When this garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. 

This powerful story has two important lessons for me:

1. Next time I come across a person like this, I would remember to greet him with a smile, wish him well, and move on.
2. Unknown to myself, there might be situations in which I may be acting as a Garbage Truck myself, dumping my anger on others. I would learn to recognize such situations and correct myself immediately. 

Bottom-line is - Positive people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

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Thanks a lot Jagminder Chugh for sending the inspiring story that became the basis of this post. 

If only I can Learn to Listen Better

I like watching political debates on TV, and with the ongoing turmoil in the country, there are a plethora of topics under discussion these days. Every news channel has some discussion going on, but you get disappointed after watching any of these programs for a few minutes. Most programs end up being a shouting match, with all participants talking simultaneously, and on some channels, the super intelligent moderator insists on imposing his views on all participants. You can sympathize with me if you have been watching these programs as well.

Similarly, forums like parliament and state assemblies are meant to hold meaningful discussion on crucial matters, but we hear the news of frequent disruptions, unruly scenes, pepper sprays, physical violence, walkouts, anything but the peaceful discussion that was the purpose of these institutions. If you watch a live telecast of a session, you would hear nothing but a cacophony of voices trying to drown each other.

Be it family, neighborhood, at work, on the road, or political discussion, we frequently see pathetic scenes of endless arguments between people who can not agree to each other's view. The high decibel arguments consumes so much energy from all the parties and does not yield any result. It is amusing to see how in some high stake issues, the parties agree to do a ceasefire at the end of the day, only to resume it will full force the next day.

You may say this is a natural outcome as people become aware of their rights and stand up to defend them. While it is good for people to speak up, what do we get from such uncontrolled altercations? Is there a better way? Read on.

The basic problem is that on crucial issues in which we are emotionally involved, we fail to do an effective dialog with each other. What is an effective dialog? Let me use an example to illustrate it. Imagine a scenario that you and me are talking about a sensitive topic and there is an imaginary pool of shared meaning between the two of us. Each of us takes turn to bring a new insight into the discussion and it gets added to the pool. As our discussion proceeds, this pool fills up gradually and it gives both of us a far richer understanding of the issue than what we had in the beginning. Armed with this understanding, we can reach the right conclusion and agree upon it. This is an example of an effective dialog. In contrast, when we fail to do a proper dialog, we have a heated argument, in which we prevent each other from adding to this pool of meaning. As soon as I bring an insight, you throw it out, and I do the same to your contribution. We go on endlessly and the pool of meaning remains empty. A really frustrating experience that all of us have had at times.

How can I make the other person see the light? The solution lies in improving my own listening skills. God has given me two ears and one mouth - that is a clear signal that I need to talk less and listen more, but I try to do the reverse most of the times. I am dead sure that If only I can learn to listen better, I can resolve many of these arguments effectively but my listening disorder comes in the way. Why do so many of us land up with this listening disorder? It is likely that our education is geared towards making us a better talker than listener. Almost always we are rewarded for forcefully putting our point across, but there is hardly any reward or appreciation when someone shows a deep understanding towards other's viewpoint. This reward structure may gradually be shaping the behavior to attach less importance to listening.

Before we deal with how to do it, let us take a look at different stages of listening.

Stage 1. Total Lack of Listening - This happens when you do not allow the other person to complete what he is saying, by interrupting him and forcing your point. This behavior encourages the other person to reciprocate, and it gradually turns into a shouting match.

Stage 2. Surface Listening - In this case, you stay quiet when the other person talks to give an impression of listening, but in your mind you are busy preparing yourself for what to say as soon as he stops. So, what you say is usually not a response to his statement but a very tangential one. This is definitely better than Stage 1 as you have a more systematic exchange, but the other person does not feel that you have really heard him, and the pool of shared meaning remains empty, so it is not very effective. In fact if you try it, you may get so frustrated that you may start believing that it is useless to try and listen.

Stage 3. Shallow Listening - In this stage, you get better at listening to the other person quietly, but at the same time, you have the urge to react to him as soon as he stops, so you occupy yourself mentally to prepare for a quick rebuttal. So, while you give a response that is connected with what the other person said, it is just to invalidate his statement and throw it out of the shared pool of meaning. The pool remains empty, and the discussion remains as futile as ever.

Stage 4. Deep or Emphatic Listening - At this stage, you listen carefully to understand the other's point of view. If you are not sure, you ask clarifying questions, and after he finishes, you state his view in your words to check that you have understood him correctly. When you do that, it adds to the shared pool of meaning, and your openness to accept other's viewpoint encourages him to be open to your ideas as well.

It must be clear by now that only Deep or Emphatic listening can effectively turn an argument into a fruitful discussion and give a positive outcome. However, very often we are skeptical of going deep for the fear that we may get convinced about the other opinion. I am using this famous doha out of context, but it illustrates the importance of going deep while listening, and the fear of getting convinced very well.

जिन खोजा तिन पाइया, गहरे पानी पैठ
हौं बौरो बूडन डरा, रहा किनारे बैठ

We all know the basics of how to listen but we forget it in the heat of the moment. The best way to master this skill is to practice emphatic listening in all situations. As we see the positive impact it creates on the quality and outcome of our discussions, it will motivate us to use it more often. If you are frustrated with arguments with people who don't listen to you, do try to be an emphatic listener next time you talk to them. Observe if it results in a better discussion.

If you want to improve a meeting that usually goes haywire, try this powerful communication technique called "Indian Talking Stick" that is taught in reputed management courses. Take a stick and run the meeting with the following rules:

• At any time, only the person holding the stick will talk. All others will listen to him silently till he finishes and passes on the stick to the next person.
• The next person will first restate the views of first person to confirm that he has understood them correctly, and then add his own views.
• The stick goes around in this manner, and people take turns expressing their views and adding to the shared pool of meaning.

You run your meeting in this manner for a couple of times and gradually all member will get the hang of it. You can do away with the actual stick at this point as people can just imagine an Indian Talking Stick in the hand of the person who is talking at the moment.

I seems to know the way to go here; have I been successful in mastering the skill myself? Only partially so far, that's why whenever I forget the basics and get trapped in a futile argument, I say to myself - "If only I can learn to listen better". :)

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Trivia: I recorded a song recently, and as I wrote the following comments for sharing the song, the idea of writing a post on this topic came to my mind.
या दिल की सुनो दुनिया वालो, या मुझ को अभी चुप रहने दो
Please don't talk when I am interrupting
Do you come across people at times who do not listen to you? Listen to this song, which is tailor made for such situations