What is All This Stuff about Expectations?

Recently I came across the following post on Facebook:

Expect nothing from others and you'll never be disappointed.
Truth of my life - I stay happy as I never expect anything from others.

This post triggered interesting thoughts and discussion. There is a lot of truth in it. All of us are familiar with the shattering feelings of pain when someone close to us ditches our hopes. Many relationships break down due to belied expectations. Hence it is not unreasonable to connect expectations with disappointments and failed relationships. We may say that relationship without expectations is likely to last longer.

 
However, there is another side of this picture as well. Let us not forget the immense satisfaction we get when a loved one meets our anticipation. Close relationships are built on the foundation of interdependence, a beautiful way of life allowing us to have expectations from each other and fulfill them. Hence, expectations are part of relationships and if they are reasonable, they are good. Without exciting things to look forward to, a relationship may last longer but won't be strong or close.
 
So, should we take the risk and have expectations to spice up our relationship or should we play it safe with a no expectations policy to avoid heartbreaks? Is there a way we can have both – enjoy the tadka of anticipation in our close relationship without the accompanying risk? I don’t know the answer myself, but let me try to collect some ideas in this post in search of an answer. 
 
If we look back at our close relationships, we have come across many happy instances of people delighting us by fulfilling or even exceeding expectations, as well as bitter memories of people not meeting our expectations. Let me try to analyze these two cases separately. I will take the happy case first and try to recall the situations when my expectations were met. Every situation may be unique but I notice the following common pattern in all these instances:

1. The person cared enough about me.
2. He was aware of the fact that I expected something.
3. We worked together to make him understand clearly what was expected from him and agreed upon it.
4. He was capable of doing it if he made a reasonable attempt.
5. If the result fell short of my expectations in-spite of the efforts, I appreciated his efforts and accepted the outcome. If necessary, I encouraged him to attempt again and stayed patient. 

Now let me take the bitter case, when the belied expectations have hurt my feelings and try to find the common reasons behind it: 

1.    Closet Expectations

Very often, I did not tell the other person that I am anticipating something from him. This seems to me that the most common reason behind belied expectations. It is so simple yet so elusive. I expected a close one to read my mind or body language and did not tell him directly what I wanted. Now that I know this, I can fix it by communicating my expectation to others and not keeping it a secret. 

2.    Unclear Expectations

In some cases, I conveyed my anticipation in somewhat vague terms. Hence the other person did not have a clear understanding of what I expected. Here again I made assumptions that he had an implicit understanding of what I wanted, so I did not take pain to communicate and clarify expectations.
In a close relationship, it is helpful to clarify expectations regularly, and it also makes the relationship stronger. Hence, the key to fix this factor is in my hands as well. 

3.    Unreasonable Expectations

In a few instances, I expected too much from a close one, which was either not possible for him to meet, or not reasonable for me to expect. A close relationship is not a license for me to impose my whims and fancies on the other person. I need to have a healthy respect for him, and when I violate this rule, I am asking for heartache.

4.    Lack of Acceptance

At times, I was in situations when the other person tried his best but failed to come up to my expectations. There should not be any emotion involved here, but I made it an emotionally charged issue by not accepting the situation.  

5.    Surge of Emotions

In all the above cases, I tied up my happiness to this expectation, and hence I felt a surge of bitter emotions – disappointment, hatred, anger that made me unhappy. It is this factor that makes it risky to have expectations. If only I can learn to detach my happiness from the outcome, a failed expectation will no longer be a shattering experience for me. In other words, I would have learned how to handle the downside. Is it easy to separate out emotions? Definitely not, but given the benefits, it is worth to try it out. 
 
Going through this analysis has clarified my thinking, and the following picture seems to be emerging for effective handling of expectations:

• Reduce the risk. Never attach a high emotional stake to an expectation. Resolve to be happy irrespective of the outcome.
• Work with the other person positively towards success – communicate and clarify your expectations, help him in his efforts. Accept him and be patient if he falls short.  

And here is how it fits on the two sides of the picture we talked about earlier: 

Side A

It is best to do away with expectations with high emotional stake attached to them (a demand) as it can have a destructive impact. A relationship is likely to last longer without such demands. 

Side B

Expecting and Accepting are part of a healthy relationship. When high emotional stakes are taken out, a close relationship can get better with proper play of expectations. Not all expectations have to be met. So long as our expectations do not become demands, and we know how to deal with the failed ones, it works out fine.

Armed with this knowledge, from now on I am going to try “safe expectations” in my close relationships and hope I would never have to use the following lines with a close one :)
 

 न मै तुमसे कोइ उम्मीद रखूँ दिलनवाज़ी की,   न तुम मेरी तरफ देखो गलत अन्दाज़ नज़रो से

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About This Post

• From this discussion, it should be clear that managing expectations plays a major role in a close relationship. So, if you are on the other side, make every effort to uncover, clarify, and understand the expectations that the other person has from you. Do not shy away from making promises and take your promises seriously and keep your word at all costs. This is a sure fire way to build up your emotional bank account reserves.
• रिश्तों की चाय में शक्कर ज़रा माप के ही रखना! फीकी हुई तो स्वाद नही आएगा और ज्यादा मीठी हुई तो मन भर जाएगा