Secret of Life-Long Marriage

My neighbor and close friend invited me when is parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last year. 50 long years of togetherness! This triggered my brain into thinking. What a coincidence, last week on my way back from work, I heard a play on radio in which a senior couple was talking nostalgically about their married life, and its sweet and sour experiences. They cherished the years spent with each other and felt happy that their relationship survived and got stronger despite several ups and downs.

It was very common for people of my parents’ generation to have a marriage that lasts a lifetime. Even people in my generation are commonly seen celebrating their 25 years of association. However, it seems that marital conflicts, break-ups and divorces are on the rise now. Success rate of marriages is on the decline; couples are finding it frustrating that marriages do not last these days. The sanctity of marriage as an institution is under threat.

What is the cause of this change? Is it due to a shift in social values? Is it due to rise of nuclear families as against joint families of past? Are parents over pampering their kids and making them intolerant in the process?  Is it the influence of western thinking and culture? It is hard to say what exactly is the reason behind it, but the trend seems undesirable and concerning.

We know that today’s generation Y is well educated, and are more aware and vocal about their rights and needs. Today’s girls expect equal treatment in marriage unlike past. The youngsters today are also not afraid of social stigma any more. They cannot tolerate any unfair situation just to keep the marriage alive. Their thinking is, “why drag on with a relationship if it is not working out?” I agree with all of this, but still it does not explain why an otherwise perfect marriage fails to sustain these days due to trivial differences.

We may think along a different perspective too - possibly the long lasting marriages of the yesteryears are overrated. Most of these marriages used to be defunct anyway, where the partners live a life of compromise, pushing their differences and real issues under the carpet just to sustain the marriage. Very often, women used to get an unequal treatment and accept it as their fate.

However, when I carefully look around the long-time happily married couples around me, I find that the reality is very different from the above perception. I could not spot any case of a defunct marriage. None of these couples lived in a constant state of compromise. Instead they had a healthy relationship in which they had adjusted to each other very well and there was no evidence that they are just hiding their differences. There is also a near equality in the relationship. In all these years, they have managed to find the secret of forming a lovely life-long bond. 

Is it worth the effort trying to develop and sustain such a long lasting loving relationship? I can tell you from my experience that it is. Nothing can be more valuable than a life partner who understands you fully, with whom you can drop your pretenses and just be yourself, where you feel happy to just hang around together, one who is your great source of support in good as well as bad times, your best friend forever.

OK, you get the gist, but what is the secret of life-long marriage? Well there can be numerous little things that make it possible to build a life-long relationship, and I am not going to list all of them here, since all rules that apply to inter-personal relationship apply here as well. But the most important rule, particularly for married couples is to accept your life-partner as it is. When you carefully think about it, this acceptance may mean multiple things.

Your Spouse is Unique
Every individual is unique, and so is your partner. Do not compare him with others. There are areas where he is stronger, and there are areas where he is not. Accept him for what he is, with all his strengths and weaknesses. He can never be anyone else, even if he tries his best to do it.

Defects Magnified
A wise elder told me once that when you get so close to someone, you see all his flaws on a much more magnified scale. Remember this fact before you get judgmental about your dear spouse. It is not that he is so bad – he looks so bad from such a close distance. To others viewing him from a distance, he will appear to be a much better person.

Do not be a Nag
Acceptance also mean that do not constantly try to improve your spouse. There is a space for healthy feedback in marriage, but let him decide if he wants to act on it or not. Do not be a constant nag about the changes you want to see in him.

Does all this sounds too complicated and boring to you? Does the complexity of marriage scare you into running away from it? Don’t worry – it is far simpler and enjoyable than what it sounds. Let me try to find a fun way to explain it. How about expressing it as a poem or a song?

I need not look any further – way back in 1965, Anand Bakshi wrote some beautiful lines that capture the essence of what I am trying to say in this post.

चाँद सी महबूबा हो मेरी कब ऐसा मैंने सोचा था |
हाँ तुम बिलकुल वैसी हो जैसा मैंने सोचा था |