I am not exactly happy with my willpower. Very often my willpower has been put to test in real life situations with not so good results. I do not remember how many times I took up a firm resolve to quit smoking and failed to keep it. Same goes for my attempts to be regular with exercise or healthy diet. On the extreme side, sometimes I find myself procrastinating in an infinite loop even on the tasks that I know are vitally important. As a student, I often promised to myself that I would study harder the next semester to improve my grades, but rarely managed to do it.
Do you also relate to some of these situations? In such situations, chances
are that you get the following well-meaning advice from friends and family,
You need to push yourself harder. You can do it. Just push and push
more.
And you go back and push harder and with more effort with no success. It feels
like I am attempting to move a heavy rock. What’s wrong here in my approach or
what should I do differently?
Let us try to apply some fresh thinking here. Imagine you need to move a very heavy box kept at ground; you try a light shove and it does not budge. You try to push it away harder and harder and it still remains unmoved. If you grab its handle and try to pull it towards you instead, it is much more likely to move. You don’t believe it? Go ahead and try it out yourself and you will find that pulling a load feels easier than pushing it.
We learn the reason for this in the physics class. When we pull a load, part of our force works to neutralize the weight of the load, thus reducing the friction; but when we push it, our force adds up to the weight, and the increased friction makes it harder to move.
How do we translate this knowledge to our willpower problem? Instead of pushing harder and forcing myself to do something because it has to be done, What if I try a pull that draws and attracts me towards it? The things that we like doing seem so easy. Now, it is just a matter of finding the right pull factor for anything that you want to accomplish. In the examples cited above, the following could be possible pull factors:
- Quitting smoking is easier if I am driven by the health benefits that it will bring to me.
- Similarly a goal to achieve a healthier body can act as the pull factor for exercising and dieting.
- To pull yourself out of procrastination loop, the best trick is to think of the peace of mind completing today’s work on time will give you.
- As you sit down to study, vividly imagine your report card filled with desired grades, or getting admission to your favorite college, and you can experience the pull working for you.
It is so simple yet such a powerful idea – almost like a Swiss knife that can be applied to any personal management problem. Stop forcing and pushing. Instead try to motivate yourself with a gentle pull, and feel the easy flow. As you gradually get the hang of it, you will no longer feel that will power is a problem for you.
You may ask, If it is so powerful, can this idea be applied in inter-personal
situations as well?
Definitely yes. Imagine a situation that you have a
serious argument on an issue with someone and you want him to agree with you
very badly. There are several ways you can go about influencing him;
You can try to apply force and push him to do it. You can use your authority
or escalate it to get someone senior to intervene. You can also try threats of
dire consequences, or use emotional blackmail tactics in a close relationship.
I can see a smile coming on your face as you read the above lines – you know
from experience that such tactics do not work reliably.
What if you try a gentle pull to win him over into an agreement? How? Invest as much time as required to have a dialog with him about the contentious issue. Make it clear as you start the discussion that he does not have to agree with what you say. Take pains to listen emphatically with an open mind and understand how he sees it. Only after you understand him, then talk about how you see it, and why you believe it to be this way. Keep your patience and invite him to share his objections or concerns about your view. Iterate over the process and do not attempt to hurry. Serious differences in opinion take a lot of time to sort out – give it the time that it needs.
Does this pull approach work in real-life complex arguments? In my own experience, on numerous occasions I have seen it work like black magic. It is not that you would always succeed in having your opinion prevail, but you will emerge with a better mutual understanding of the issue and arrive at the best decision together. And a pleasant side effect is that both the parties embrace the outcome fully now, without any residual bad feeling, making the relationship between the two of you stronger in the process.
So, next time you find yourself in a willpower problem or an argument, stop yourself and remember that it is easier to pull than to push. Start applying the pull force in every day situations and if the outcome takes you by surprise, share the experience with me.
About this Post
I find blogging to be a good utilization of the time spent on a long flight. This post was conceived and written on a flight from Brussels to Delhi.
