I like watching political debates on TV, and with the ongoing turmoil in the country, there are a plethora of topics under discussion these days. Every news channel has some discussion going on, but you get disappointed after watching any of these programs for a few minutes. Most programs end up being a shouting match, with all participants talking simultaneously, and on some channels, the super intelligent moderator insists on imposing his views on all participants. You can sympathize with me if you have been watching these programs as well.
Similarly, forums like parliament and state assemblies are meant to hold meaningful discussion on crucial matters, but we hear the news of frequent disruptions, unruly scenes, pepper sprays, physical violence, walkouts, anything but the peaceful discussion that was the purpose of these institutions. If you watch a live telecast of a session, you would hear nothing but a cacophony of voices trying to drown each other.
Be it family, neighborhood, at work, on the road, or political discussion, we frequently see pathetic scenes of endless arguments between people who can not agree to each other's view. The high decibel arguments consumes so much energy from all the parties and does not yield any result. It is amusing to see how in some high stake issues, the parties agree to do a ceasefire at the end of the day, only to resume it will full force the next day.
You may say this is a natural outcome as people become aware of their rights and stand up to defend them. While it is good for people to speak up, what do we get from such uncontrolled altercations? Is there a better way? Read on.
The basic problem is that on crucial issues in which we are emotionally involved, we fail to do an effective dialog with each other. What is an effective dialog? Let me use an example to illustrate it. Imagine a scenario that you and me are talking about a sensitive topic and there is an imaginary pool of shared meaning between the two of us. Each of us takes turn to bring a new insight into the discussion and it gets added to the pool. As our discussion proceeds, this pool fills up gradually and it gives both of us a far richer understanding of the issue than what we had in the beginning. Armed with this understanding, we can reach the right conclusion and agree upon it. This is an example of an effective dialog. In contrast, when we fail to do a proper dialog, we have a heated argument, in which we prevent each other from adding to this pool of meaning. As soon as I bring an insight, you throw it out, and I do the same to your contribution. We go on endlessly and the pool of meaning remains empty. A really frustrating experience that all of us have had at times.
How can I make the other person see the light? The solution lies in improving my own listening skills. God has given me two ears and one mouth - that is a clear signal that I need to talk less and listen more, but I try to do the reverse most of the times. I am dead sure that If only I can learn to listen better, I can resolve many of these arguments effectively but my listening disorder comes in the way. Why do so many of us land up with this listening disorder? It is likely that our education is geared towards making us a better talker than listener. Almost always we are rewarded for forcefully putting our point across, but there is hardly any reward or appreciation when someone shows a deep understanding towards other's viewpoint. This reward structure may gradually be shaping the behavior to attach less importance to listening.
Before we deal with how to do it, let us take a look at different stages of listening.
Stage 1. Total Lack of Listening - This happens when you do not allow the other person to complete what he is saying, by interrupting him and forcing your point. This behavior encourages the other person to reciprocate, and it gradually turns into a shouting match.
Stage 2. Surface Listening - In this case, you stay quiet when the other person talks to give an impression of listening, but in your mind you are busy preparing yourself for what to say as soon as he stops. So, what you say is usually not a response to his statement but a very tangential one. This is definitely better than Stage 1 as you have a more systematic exchange, but the other person does not feel that you have really heard him, and the pool of shared meaning remains empty, so it is not very effective. In fact if you try it, you may get so frustrated that you may start believing that it is useless to try and listen.
Stage 3. Shallow Listening - In this stage, you get better at listening to the other person quietly, but at the same time, you have the urge to react to him as soon as he stops, so you occupy yourself mentally to prepare for a quick rebuttal. So, while you give a response that is connected with what the other person said, it is just to invalidate his statement and throw it out of the shared pool of meaning. The pool remains empty, and the discussion remains as futile as ever.
Stage 4. Deep or Emphatic Listening - At this stage, you listen carefully to understand the other's point of view. If you are not sure, you ask clarifying questions, and after he finishes, you state his view in your words to check that you have understood him correctly. When you do that, it adds to the shared pool of meaning, and your openness to accept other's viewpoint encourages him to be open to your ideas as well.
It must be clear by now that only Deep or Emphatic listening can effectively turn an argument into a fruitful discussion and give a positive outcome. However, very often we are skeptical of going deep for the fear that we may get convinced about the other opinion. I am using this famous doha out of context, but it illustrates the importance of going deep while listening, and the fear of getting convinced very well.
जिन खोजा तिन पाइया, गहरे पानी पैठ
हौं बौरो बूडन डरा, रहा किनारे बैठ
We all know the basics of how to listen but we forget it in the heat of the moment. The best way to master this skill is to practice emphatic listening in all situations. As we see the positive impact it creates on the quality and outcome of our discussions, it will motivate us to use it more often. If you are frustrated with arguments with people who don't listen to you, do try to be an emphatic listener next time you talk to them. Observe if it results in a better discussion.
If you want to improve a meeting that usually goes haywire, try this powerful communication technique called "Indian Talking Stick" that is taught in reputed management courses. Take a stick and run the meeting with the following rules:
I seems to know the way to go here; have I been successful in mastering the skill myself? Only partially so far, that's why whenever I forget the basics and get trapped in a futile argument, I say to myself - "If only I can learn to listen better". :)
Trivia: I recorded a song recently, and as I wrote the following comments for sharing the song, the idea of writing a post on this topic came to my mind.
या दिल की सुनो दुनिया वालो, या मुझ को अभी चुप रहने दो
Please don't talk when I am interrupting
Do you come across people at times who do not listen to you? Listen to this song, which is tailor made for such situations
Similarly, forums like parliament and state assemblies are meant to hold meaningful discussion on crucial matters, but we hear the news of frequent disruptions, unruly scenes, pepper sprays, physical violence, walkouts, anything but the peaceful discussion that was the purpose of these institutions. If you watch a live telecast of a session, you would hear nothing but a cacophony of voices trying to drown each other.
Be it family, neighborhood, at work, on the road, or political discussion, we frequently see pathetic scenes of endless arguments between people who can not agree to each other's view. The high decibel arguments consumes so much energy from all the parties and does not yield any result. It is amusing to see how in some high stake issues, the parties agree to do a ceasefire at the end of the day, only to resume it will full force the next day.
You may say this is a natural outcome as people become aware of their rights and stand up to defend them. While it is good for people to speak up, what do we get from such uncontrolled altercations? Is there a better way? Read on.
The basic problem is that on crucial issues in which we are emotionally involved, we fail to do an effective dialog with each other. What is an effective dialog? Let me use an example to illustrate it. Imagine a scenario that you and me are talking about a sensitive topic and there is an imaginary pool of shared meaning between the two of us. Each of us takes turn to bring a new insight into the discussion and it gets added to the pool. As our discussion proceeds, this pool fills up gradually and it gives both of us a far richer understanding of the issue than what we had in the beginning. Armed with this understanding, we can reach the right conclusion and agree upon it. This is an example of an effective dialog. In contrast, when we fail to do a proper dialog, we have a heated argument, in which we prevent each other from adding to this pool of meaning. As soon as I bring an insight, you throw it out, and I do the same to your contribution. We go on endlessly and the pool of meaning remains empty. A really frustrating experience that all of us have had at times.
How can I make the other person see the light? The solution lies in improving my own listening skills. God has given me two ears and one mouth - that is a clear signal that I need to talk less and listen more, but I try to do the reverse most of the times. I am dead sure that If only I can learn to listen better, I can resolve many of these arguments effectively but my listening disorder comes in the way. Why do so many of us land up with this listening disorder? It is likely that our education is geared towards making us a better talker than listener. Almost always we are rewarded for forcefully putting our point across, but there is hardly any reward or appreciation when someone shows a deep understanding towards other's viewpoint. This reward structure may gradually be shaping the behavior to attach less importance to listening.
Before we deal with how to do it, let us take a look at different stages of listening.
Stage 1. Total Lack of Listening - This happens when you do not allow the other person to complete what he is saying, by interrupting him and forcing your point. This behavior encourages the other person to reciprocate, and it gradually turns into a shouting match.
Stage 2. Surface Listening - In this case, you stay quiet when the other person talks to give an impression of listening, but in your mind you are busy preparing yourself for what to say as soon as he stops. So, what you say is usually not a response to his statement but a very tangential one. This is definitely better than Stage 1 as you have a more systematic exchange, but the other person does not feel that you have really heard him, and the pool of shared meaning remains empty, so it is not very effective. In fact if you try it, you may get so frustrated that you may start believing that it is useless to try and listen.
Stage 3. Shallow Listening - In this stage, you get better at listening to the other person quietly, but at the same time, you have the urge to react to him as soon as he stops, so you occupy yourself mentally to prepare for a quick rebuttal. So, while you give a response that is connected with what the other person said, it is just to invalidate his statement and throw it out of the shared pool of meaning. The pool remains empty, and the discussion remains as futile as ever.
Stage 4. Deep or Emphatic Listening - At this stage, you listen carefully to understand the other's point of view. If you are not sure, you ask clarifying questions, and after he finishes, you state his view in your words to check that you have understood him correctly. When you do that, it adds to the shared pool of meaning, and your openness to accept other's viewpoint encourages him to be open to your ideas as well.
It must be clear by now that only Deep or Emphatic listening can effectively turn an argument into a fruitful discussion and give a positive outcome. However, very often we are skeptical of going deep for the fear that we may get convinced about the other opinion. I am using this famous doha out of context, but it illustrates the importance of going deep while listening, and the fear of getting convinced very well.
जिन खोजा तिन पाइया, गहरे पानी पैठ
हौं बौरो बूडन डरा, रहा किनारे बैठ
We all know the basics of how to listen but we forget it in the heat of the moment. The best way to master this skill is to practice emphatic listening in all situations. As we see the positive impact it creates on the quality and outcome of our discussions, it will motivate us to use it more often. If you are frustrated with arguments with people who don't listen to you, do try to be an emphatic listener next time you talk to them. Observe if it results in a better discussion.
If you want to improve a meeting that usually goes haywire, try this powerful communication technique called "Indian Talking Stick" that is taught in reputed management courses. Take a stick and run the meeting with the following rules:
- At any time, only the person holding the stick will talk. All others will listen to him silently till he finishes and passes on the stick to the next person.
- The next person will first restate the views of first person to confirm that he has understood them correctly, and then add his own views.
- The stick goes around in this manner, and people take turns expressing their views and adding to the shared pool of meaning.
I seems to know the way to go here; have I been successful in mastering the skill myself? Only partially so far, that's why whenever I forget the basics and get trapped in a futile argument, I say to myself - "If only I can learn to listen better". :)
Trivia: I recorded a song recently, and as I wrote the following comments for sharing the song, the idea of writing a post on this topic came to my mind.
या दिल की सुनो दुनिया वालो, या मुझ को अभी चुप रहने दो
Please don't talk when I am interrupting
Do you come across people at times who do not listen to you? Listen to this song, which is tailor made for such situations
