Start on Your Own Successfully

Think of what you do every day at work. Do you give your 100% to it? Do you enjoy your work? Does it bring out the best in you? Is it aligned with your core purpose in life?

For your long term satisfaction, it is essential that your work meets all the above criteria. However, in reality, many people do not like their work. A happier employee is more productive, hence good companies try their best to increase employee engagement by finding alignment between the work and the employee’s capabilities and interest. While this has helped a lot, it still does not address the case when there is a major mismatch of aptitude.

Why would someone land in a job that does not suit his aptitude or interest? Partly our education system is responsible as it encourages students to take well defined routes. Study science, do engineering and management degree, take up a lucrative job and work your way up in the career. At a young age, the student’s choice is guided solely by the prospects that the career offers. As a result, she takes up a career that looks promising even if it is not in line with her interest.

Stuck in such a situation, people make different trade-offs as a compromise. Some choose to give 100% to their career with single minded focus, while others find a balance and pursue their dreams on the side. Some people are bold enough to take a plunge, quit the job to follow their dreams – like starting a business or consultancy, becoming a singer, actor, dancer, etc. This results in an immediate hit on their earnings and a long period of struggle is mandatory with a thin chance of success.

So, while a job offers financial security and predictable chances of ‘making it’, starting out on your own looks attractive but a risky proposition. Is there a third choice by which we can follow our dreams without getting broke?   

In his book “The Education of Millionaires”, Michael Ellsberg offers great insights on this topic from his own experience. He places greater emphasis on real-life education as compared to formal college education. To stress the point, Michael gives example of many successful people who are college dropouts. He gives a simple four point formula to safely start out on your own without crashing:

1. The first step is to get financial stability through any job that you may get into and become independent. Use your earnings to ensure you are free of debts, and build up some savings for a rainy day.
2. The second step is to create room for experimentation while on the job. Figure out a job schedule which frees up some time for you for experimentation. e.g. you may find free time in the evenings or on weekends.
3. Use the money from your savings to start exploring your interest in your free time. Make sure to keep the regular source of income intact at this stage.
4. Once you gain confidence that you are ready to sustain yourself without a job, strike out on your own.

Remember, there is no guarantee of success in your venture. Failures are unavoidable in entrepreneurship and are an integral part of learning. However this gradual approach provides you adequate resilience to withstand the failure without getting broke.

Michael lists the following essential skills that one has to learn to be successful in his own venture. These skills should together form the essential curriculum of education for success, but are rarely taught formally in college:

Change the Mindset
Transition from employee mindset to entrepreneurial mindset, where you carve out your own path as opposed to working on path carved out by someone else. This is a vital shift, which can make you add more value even as an employee. Some of the differences between the two mindsets are as follows:

Entrepreneurial mind-set	Employee mind-set
Focus on contribution	Focus on entitlement
Focus on outcome	Focus on output
Sort for what’s needed	Sort for what’s requested
Go towards big decisions even without authority	Turn away from even the small decisions you have authority to make

Find Great Mentors and Build Network
Connect with powerful and influential people and build a world class network. Key point to remember is that great networking is not about taking advantage of your connections, but giving with no expectation of anything in return. Find people with great future potential and help them reach their goal. Add value to life of someone who is already established. 

Learn about Marketing
A lot of businesses fail because they are not able to reach out to right customers. The general perception of marketing is that its sleazy and manipulative, on the contrary, good marketing is making your potential customers know about you or your company.

Learn about Sales
Look at successful people in any field and they are not always the best individuals of that craft. You can be the very best in your craft but being able to sell is equally important for you. Again sales is often perceived in a negative manner. Sales is about knowing what customer needs and if you have a good solution/product, offering it.

Invest for Success
Reinvest your earnings for learning new skills to help take your endeavor to new heights.

Build a brand for Yourself
Your brand is what people think about when they hear your name.

This is indeed very valuable advice to everyone who wants to be successful in his own venture. This book has a promise of such a powerful paradigm shift that I strongly recommend that you should read it.

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About This Post
I do not agree with Michael's view that college education is not useful at all. However, even after college education there is a need to learn real-life skills discussed in this book to be successful.

Feeling Nostalgic with a Bag Full of Memories

Memory is such a wonderful thing. I wonder how I carry the memories of a lifetime with me. I Just need to sit alone in a quiet corner for a few moments and a medley of memories start playing in my  mind like a television show. It is indeed remarkable that even if the incidence may have taken place many years ago, I have it in my memory with its minutest details.

Ever noticed what happens when a memory reruns in our mind? I can view the images, hear the sounds, smell the fragrances, feel the touch, and even experience the thoughts and emotions I had at that time. In other words, I am transported back to that period, and experience it in a such a complete way that a TV show can not even come anywhere close to it. 

There are so many happy memories of childhood that I carry with me, when I lived a carefree existence, with abundant hope for future, and an infinite source of enthusiasm and curiosity. The childhood memories make me feel so nostalgic at times that I yearn to return to childhood again:

ये दौलत भी ले लो, ये शोहरत भी ले लो,
भले छीन लो मुझसे मेरी जवानी,
मगर मुझको लौटा दो बचपन का सावन,
वो काग़ज़ कि कश्ती, वो बारिश का पानी

The thoughts of the days of youth are equally alluring. What a heady mix of young innocence, new found independence, and the mischievous adolescence it was. It was an age when the whole world was a playground and nothing could go wrong. The pranks, the friends, the bunking of class, hanging around in college canteen, late night movie shows, the list may go on and on. The happy memories of youth haunt me and take me back to those memorable days:

जाड़ों की नर्म धूप और आँगन में लेट कर,
आँखों पे खींचकर आँचल के साये को,
औंधे पड़े रहें कभी करवट लिये हुए
दिल ढूँढता है फिर वही फ़ुरसत के रात दिन
बैठे रहे तसव्वुर-ए-जानाँ किये हुए

Not all memories are pleasant though. On the flip side there are also some painful memories of the times when I got hurt or betrayed by a close one. And such sad memories also come back with equal regularity and make me feel the emotions of hurt, anger, and hatred again with equal intensity.

I have observed that when I let my mind drift on its own, the thoughts and memories that show up are picked up in a completely random order. An old happy memory may play for a few second giving way to a more recent sad memory, going on to another stressful memory and so on. I do not understand the pattern behind it and not even sure if there is one. I looked at some memories that play most often and it seems that all of them have very strong emotions attached to them. So, looks like that emotions make a memory deeply entrenched in your brain.        

Can I forget everything about my past? It seems I can not even if I try my best to do it. Well, what would I like to change about my memories in that case? Nothing at all. I like my memories as they are. Even if they make me feel nostalgic at times, my bag full of memories is my most cherished treasure because that's all I am left with:

बस यादें यादें यादें रह जाती हैं
कुछ छोटी छोटी बातें रह जाती हैं

Do I want to get rid of the sad memories? Maybe not. These are as much a part of my life as pleasant memories. Even the painful memory of someone causing hurt is a reminder that the person is so close to me that what he does really matters. After all, you don't get hurt by strangers. So, when a painful emotional memory plays back, its time for me to thank God that I have people who are close to me.

To end this post, I am leaving you with this beautiful thought about memories - If you try to remember, everything will come back: 

करोगे याद तो हर बात याद आएगी
गुज़रते वक़्त की हर मौज़ ठहर जायेगी

The Dilemma of a Lonely Star

Imagine you are the brightest member in a team. Your knowledge and skills are above everyone, and you are able to solve even the most difficult problems and have a good reputation of achieving outstanding results. With such a strong show, can anything trouble you at work? However, it seems you are not really happy as you see mediocrity all around you - a bunch of average people struggling to do their job. You regret that no one displays the drive for excellence. It does not work out whenever you entrust someone with any task. They make mistakes every now and then, and have to be corrected very often to ensure the outcome. With such people, it is a big effort to have a useful meeting. They do not talk sense during the discussions and there is no focus on the outcome in their approach.

You feel overburdened with work as you end up doing everyone else’s work besides your own tasks. Work piles up on you as you take on more and more.  Your only wish is that if only other people can be made to contribute more productively, it will be a big relief to you. 

Another problem you face is that most people at work try to keep a safe distance from you. You find it impossible to get close to people even when you try hard.

One fine day, you get to overhear a water cooler gossip at office about a person affectionately nicknamed ‘The Bully’

People are describing him as a dominating personality who does not show respect to others. He is constantly interrupting others and does not allow people to talk in meetings. He is intelligent, but full of himself. Don’t know why he is so critical of everyone and everything. He wants to have things done in his own way (my way or highway syndrome).

This discussion makes you wonder, “This person is really unpopular in the team.  Who can be such a bully? You try to match with everyone you know in the office, but do not succeed. It perplexes you. Whom are they talking about?

What if I tell you that they are talking about you?

Shocked? You may find it hard to believe. What a bunch of ungrateful people. After all you have done for them; they have the guts to gossip about you in this manner? You don’t enjoy correcting them. Why do you have to correct them if they do not make so many mistakes? These people have got it all wrong. You wish someone can make them see the reality.

What has gone wrong here? Why is everyone against you despite such herculean efforts from your side?

I believe that the single factor responsible for this situation is your own attitude and behavior. Read what people are saying about you again and think carefully – are you not doing some of these things? I can say it from experience that the best way to alter the way people perceive you is by changing your own behavior.

You may be asking, “Why should I change? What do I lose if I continue like this?” You know that if you continue to be a lonely star, it will seriously limit your overall effectiveness. You can achieve much more if you can manage to take others along. Work situations are more like a relay race, not a solo sprint. You cannot win if you rely on your brightness alone. You have to pass on the baton to other players and let them run forward with it. Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Steve Jobs are some finest examples of super smart people who achieved outstanding success. Did they do it all alone? In fact each of them took the help of hundreds and thousands of people to turn their dream into reality. What makes you believe that you can do it alone? In fact if you do not change now, you run a risk of reaching a burnout stage soon.

You may have an objection, “But when I try to get others to work, it causes loss of my own productivity. It is far better to do it myself rather than trying to explain it to someone else.” This is your dilemma. Should you try teamwork and lose your productivity or should you take on everything yourself, and get overloaded in the process?

The answer to your dilemma is simple - go for teamwork. I agree that you may lose some time in teamwork; still this is the only way you can multiply your output. Let me use some simple mathematics here. Even if you lose half your productivity in teamwork and get a team of four going at half the efficiency, you still multiply your output 2.5 times.  And if you work on developing more leaders in the team, it can have an exponential effect on the productivity. With one more leader who can guide four more members, the output goes up with a factor of five.

And with the team pitching in, you can take yourself out of the critical path. So, things continue to be in motion even when you are away. When you work well with other people, you become people’s hero, and they enjoy working with you. Who does not want to have a heavy lifter in the team?


However, you may need to alter your approach towards others if you want teamwork to succeed. Here are some ideas on how to make these changes. Apply these ideas one at a time and you will find that gradually you will start liking working in a team.

1. You are smarter than others, but do maintain a healthy respect for all. Everyone has his own unique capabilities. Be sensitive to others. Do not insult people with your words, gestures, or actions.
2. When people talk, listen to them carefully, do not keep your mind busy in forming your response and do not interrupt.
3. When you talk, watch you language. How often do you use ‘I’, ‘me’, or ‘my’? Consciously change it and try to use more ‘we’ and ‘you’ than ‘I’.
4. Do not assume that people understand you. Take time to explain yourself and your purpose behind what you are trying to accomplish.
5. Let people try their own ways of doing the job. Do not force your way on them.
6. When you give feedback to someone, criticize the action and not the person.
7. Take time to develop soft skills. Do not see it as an unnecessary frill for the job you have to do.

I have painted the extreme picture with some exaggeration to illustrate the point clearly; in reality the situation is never so black or white, but a shade of gray. So if you are a lonely star you may find a partial match in the description above. You may be effective working with people at certain times, while may find it impossible to take them along at other times.

Most of us have experienced being a lonely star and working with one at different times.  I hope that with this post I could manage to highlight its downside and stress the benefits of correcting your approach towards others. A small step in this direction can go a long way to help you multiply your effectiveness.

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More about this Post

The thought discussed in this post was echoed when the board of Housing.com, a real estate listing site, sacked its CEO and co-founder Rahul Yadav in July 2015. Rahul is such a brilliant person that he is a perfect example of the star mentioned in this post. He took the company from 0 to 1500 crores in a short span a time and gave his shares worth 200 crores to the employees; yet he had to face ouster from the company, possibly since he forgot the basic principle that you need to take people along to sustain a brilliant idea.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/business/india-business/With-good-coach-he-can-come-back/articleshow/47903141.cms

Here is another view of the episode from Haresh Chawla of India Value Fund, who gave the following advice to Rahul:
 
"If you are a lone-player with great talent - like a sportsperson or an artist or painter - you are then free to work alone, without regard to what the world thinks of you...
But if you’ve chosen to be a manager, you’ve then got to be among people, collaborate with them, lead them or be led by them, be able to handle their frustrations, to handle their competence and their incompetence. It's an ego-crushing journey where you need to learn to allow people their space to work. It has very little to do with intelligence - it is more about developing sensitivity - finding a way to motivate people, to pull them in one direction. A journey of frustration, but equally one of triumph when you see the team working together and winning."

http://www.foundingfuel.com/article/the-rahul-yadav-story-youve-never-heard-before/

Struggles are Good for Our Kids

As parents, we try our best to help and protect our kids from life's harsh realities and disappointments. The usual thought is, "I don't want my kids to struggle like I did". But famous ex-Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Dan Kindlon has very different view about it. He says that over-protected children are more likely to struggle in relationships and with challenges. When we are extra protective about our kid, we send him the message that he is not capable of helping himself. Clinical psychologist Dr. Wendy puts it very well, "It  is  our  job  to  prepare  our  children  for  the  road, not  prepare  the  road for  our  children."

The following short story illustrates this thought very well. I came across this story recently and found it very inspiring, so I am sharing it here:

A Gardner saw a small butterfly laying a few eggs in one of the pots in his garden. Since that day he looked at the egg with ever growing curiosity and eagerness. The egg started to move and shake a little. He was exited to see a new life coming up right in front of his eyes. He spent hours watching the egg now. The egg started to expand and develop cracks.. A tiny head and antennae started to come out ever so slowly.The man's excitement knew no bounds. He got his magnifying glasses and sat to watch the life and body of a pupa coming out. He saw the struggle of the tender pupa and couldn't resist his urge to help. He went and got a tender forceps to help the egg break, a nip here a nip there to help the struggling life. 

And look! The pupa came out of the egg. The man was ecstatic.  He waited now each day for the pupa to grow and fly like a beautiful butterfly; but Alas that never happened. The larvae pupa had a oversized head and kept crawling along in the pot for the full 4 weeks and died. 

Depressed, the man went to his botanist friend and asked the reason. His friend told him
the struggle to break out of the egg helps the larvae to send blood to its wings and the head push helps the head to remain small so that the tender wings can support it thru its 4 week life cycle. In his eagerness to help the man destroyed a beautiful life.

Struggles are good for all of us and our kids. A small effort put in today goes a long way to develop our strength to face life's difficulties in future.

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About This Post
This story was sent to me by Jagminder Chugh as a message. Thanks a lot Jagminder for sharing such an inspirational message.

Take Charge of Your Health - Now !

I did not study medical science myself, but I have a deep respect for the discipline. As an engineer, I really marvel at the wonderful advances in this field over the years. What used to be killer diseases of past have been reduced to a curable illness with a simple pill. Vaccines have been developed to prevent many deadly diseases early on. Advance diagnostics methods not only detect the cause of the disease with certainty, but also flag the conditions that may lead to diseases in future with accuracy. Imaging techniques like X-rays, ultrasound, CT-scans, and Angiograpgy enable doctors to see clearly what is going on in our body.

Silent ailments like Diabetes, and Cardiac diseases are easily managed with early detection and care with the help of pathology tests. Development of Genetic science has reached a point that it is about to become the ultimate tool to read your DNA like a book and answer the crucial question – are you susceptible to a certain disease or not?

There have been such unbelievable advances in Medicine, Diagnostics, and Surgery that it sounds like a miracle to a layman. Open heart surgery on a beating heart is similar to replacing a tyre in a running car. My engineering mind can never understand how you can replace parts in a system without shutting it down. But the human body can be shut down only once in its lifetime – and medical science has learned to work with this constraint :)

There is no doubt that this tremendous progress in the medical field has given us the gift of longer life spans. Infant mortality has come down significantly and average life expectancy has gone up. It has become super easy to cure most diseases. Does this mean we are moving towards a disease-free healthy world? The reality seems to be far from it. The more cures we find, the higher incidence of diseases we find around us. Today, our hospitals and clinics are filled with more patients than ever. There is such a shortfall of doctors everywhere that all doctors are super busy treating the patients – living a crazy break-neck schedule every day. New killer diseases show up with alarming regularity – Cancer, Dengue, AIDS, Swine Flu, Ebola, to name a few.

With the increased life span, falling health in old age is a cause of concern for many as the healthcare expenses in the old age are going up. Post retirement finances were already a big worry for the aged, and it has become even bigger now. While it was enough to plan for ten years after retirement in the past, one has to worry about twenty or thirty years now.  The health problems are not limited to the aged population only. We are seeing a trend of early onset (in 40’s) of chronic ailments like Diabetes, Heart diseases, Back and joint pain, etc. To complicate the situation further, the unholy nexus between corrupt doctors, drug companies, and diagnostic labs is driving the cost of treatment further to prohibitive zone for the common man.

The situation is far from healthy and it does not feel that we will be in a disease-free world any time soon. In fact it makes me wonder – “Are we designed by nature to be sick? What is the purpose of widespread diseases? Who is responsible for this sorry state?”

After pondering on this topic for a while, I have a possible answer. It is we who are responsible for our current situation. The root cause of the problem may lie in our attitude and approach towards health. We have left it completely to the doctor to take care of our health. We just want her to give us medicine or do a surgery but do we follow the lifestyle advice given by her? Do we bother to moderate our diet? Do we find time for physical exercises?  On the contrary, we get into junk food, smoking, drinking, and drugs. We constantly live with all kind of stress in our mind. When we fall ill, we expect the doctor to ‘fix’ our health problem quickly with strong medicines and injections. If it turns into a serious illness, we get scared with the thought, "What if I am not cured?" In short, with such powerful medical facilities at our disposal, it is natural that we refuse to accept death as a possible outcome. What is happening here? Are we not trying to live forever?

Clearly, the solution has to be found within ourselves. What can we do about it? Let us pause and think again, "What is more important, More days in life or more life in days?" Let us try to live more, not longer.  Our natural tendency is to stay healthy, and if we remove the obstacles that come in the way of this natural state, we will regain our health and will not have to go to the doctor so often.

By this, I do not mean that we stop going to the doctor when we are sick. We need to learn to take responsibility for our well-being and take positive action to live a happy and healthy life. How can we go about doing it? I have compiled a list of suggestions below that I have found to be very helpful in my own experience.

• Live happy and stress free life. Stress causes or aggravates the majority of diseases in modern times. Learn yoga, meditation, learn to accept things as they come. Stop being in the rat race.
• Cultivate a positive mindset. Look at the bright side of things.
• Find a purpose in life and absorb yourself into it. When you are busy doing something you feel passionate about, it causes a flow of health enhancing juices in our body.
• Exercise regularly. This is the single most important factor for staying healthy.
• Eat healthy food in moderate quantity. Avoid junk food and drinks.
• Have a preventive health check every year; it is just like taking your car for service; if you do not do it, it will break down some day on the road.
• When you fall sick, take advice from the doctor, and co-operate fully with her. Take rest as advised, follow the diet restrictions, and take all medicines as prescribed. Remember, the medicine itself is not the cure; it is just helping your body to fight the disease. You need to provide your body all the support you can in this fight.

You may be asking, “The above suggestions are all fine, but they are just about changing my approach. How can it help me live longer?”  Ironically, when you shift your focus from longevity to living a happy fulfilled life, it automatically improves your general well-being and makes you live longer.

Think Out of the Box

Many years ago in a small town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant’s beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant’s debt if he could marry the daughter. Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the proposal.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black pebble, she would become the moneylender’s wife and her father’s debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father’s debt would still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the merchant’s garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.

What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

All the options are equally bleak? Isn't it an impossible problem to crack? Story abhi baki hai mere dost. (The story is not over yet).

The girl was an out-of-the-box thinker. She sized up the situation quickly and decided her plan of action. She put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

“Oh, how clumsy of me,” she said. “But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.” Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one; and the moneylender dared not admit his dishonesty. This is how the clever girl managed to come out of what seemed an impossible situation.

Moral of the Story

Most complex problems do have a solution, sometimes we have to think about them in a different way. When the logical thinking fails to provide an answer, try lateral thinking and think out of the box to reach the solution.

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About this Post
Thanks a lot Ashish Jain for sending this short inspirational story.

Kal Aaj Aur Kal

I am a strong believer of the benefits of living in the present moment. It is the simplest way to get rid of 90% of your mental stress. Very often, when we find ourselves sandwiched between yesterday (Kal), today (Aaj) and tomorrow (Kal), we spend such an inordinate amount of energy on yesterday and tomorrow that it starts to rob us of our happiness today.

Let us take the case of past first. When we are not happy about the way things happened in the past,  we brood over and re-live those unpleasant memories again and again feeling the pain and guilt and becoming unhappy as a result. At other times we nurture a happy memory of glorious past when the going was much better, and we starts to feel unhappy about our present situation. In both cases, we choose to live in the past, letting it ruin our present. More importantly, we end up feeling immobilized – unable to do anything about it; which is only natural since you cannot go to your past and erase or correct anything that has happened.

Similarly, think about future now. How much time do we spend worrying about future? Will I get good enough marks to get admission into the college of my choice? Will I succeed in my business? Will I have enough savings when I retire? Will my marriage work out? There are so many unknown dimensions of future that keep our mind constantly entangled, and cause us extreme anxiety and stress. Again, we sacrifice our present by spending all our energy on future, and this immobilizes us – unable to do anything about it.

So, wise men over the ages have advocated that to be happy, you must learn to shut the door on past and future, and live exclusively in present. Forget about the past that is gone.. you can not change it. Forget about the future that has not yet come.. it’s a distant thing. Focus all your energy on the present – today is what you have with you. In other words, to be happy, you should choose Aaj from Kal, Aaj, aur Kal.

Sounds like obvious stuff? Most of us have heard about this wisdom, but we refuse to believe that it is right to forget about the future. "I have to worry about the future, else the future will be bleak". Well, be assured that living in present is not only good wisdom, but its a natural principle that can not be violated. Any amount of worrying about the future can not help you improve it. You can not fast forward to the future and change even a second of it. By all means, think about the future, carefully plan for it, but eventually what helps build a bright future is the positive action you take today.

Dale Carnegie said, "The load of tomorrow, added to that of yesterday, carried today, makes the strongest falter. Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand."

The principle of living in present is such a fundamental one in my mind that I have discussed it in many of my earlier posts as well – if you are interested to find out more, take a look at the following posts:

• A great Present you can give yourself
• When the Things go Haywire
• A Magic Formula to Find the Right Time   
• Don’t be a Victim of Success

So, you got convinced that living in present is a natural principle and following this principle is good for keeping happy. However, every now and then we keep running into contradictions that challenge it and makes us take a fresh look at our assumptions. As an interesting example, I attended this leadership workshop recently that defined the key characteristics of good leaders and had extensive discussions on the practices that set exemplary leaders apart. It was stressed that leaders have the following two key attributes:

• Ability to continuously learn and change
• A compelling vision of future

In other words, good leaders take a careful look at their past and take a lesson from it, and they are good at looking ahead and painting a picture of the future that inspires people to work towards it. Does this mean that the best leaders have to spend considerable amount of their time on yesterday and tomorrow in contradiction of the principle of living in present? Or does it mean that every leader has to pay a price – that he cannot choose to be happy by staying in present?

I thought a lot about it in an attempt to find an answer, and then one fine day it popped in front of my eyes. Leaders are not living in past or future, but they are living in present. They look at the past briefly to determine what they can learn from it. This is an objective look at the events as a passive observer without any emotions attached to it. Once the analysis is done about what can be done better next time, the door is shut tightly on the past, and the lesson is used to improve the actions taken today. They do not hold on to the memories of the past beyond this point. Similarly when good leaders look ahead to paint a vision of the future, they do so without any feeling of anxiety. When they share their vision of future with others, they stay firmly in the present, with a keen focus on what steps should be taken today to move towards their vision.

So, the bottom-line is that Yesterday and Tomorrow can be like a helpful friend to us if we learn to handle them in a positive way while staying firmly in Today. Use your present to learn from your past and take action now to create a bright future for yourself. Always keep the principle of living in present in mind. How-so-ever hard you try, you cannot go back to the past or go forward to the future. This day, this hour, this moment is all we have with us.

आगे भी जाने न तू, पीछे भी जाने न तू
जो भी है, बस यही एक पल है

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About this Post

• The idea of writing this post took seed in my mind while attending a leadership workshop last month, but it took more than four weeks of thinking to give it a final shape.
•  I chose the title Kal Aaj aur Kal. Kal means yesterday in Hindi, it also means tomorrow, while Aaj means today. So while Aaj denotes present, Kal represents both past and future. 

Ten Commandments for Old Age

Many people feel unhappy after retirement due to the reduced importance given to them and their opinions. But this need not be the case if we can understand and live by a few basic mantras of retired life. Here are ten mantras to help you age gracefully, make life after retirement pleasant, and to enjoy and treasure these senior years of wisdom and intelligence at their best.

1. Never say 'I am aged'

There are three ages - chronological, biological, and psychological. Chronological age is calculated based on our date of birth; biological age is determined by health conditions and psychological age is how old you feel you are. While we don't have control over the first, we can take care of our health with good diet, exercise, and a cheerful attitude. A positive attitude and optimistic thinking can even reverse it.

2. Health is Wealth

Taking care of yourself and your health should be your priority. Then you will not be a burden to anyone. Have an annual health checkup and take the prescribed medicines regularly. Take out a health care insurance coverage.

3. Money is Important

Use your money judiciously and don't spend beyond your means. It is all the more important to plan your finances in old age. Aim to stay independent after retirement and do not take it for granted that your children will take care of your expenses.

4. Relaxation and Recreation

You have lived a fast paced hectic life. Now its time to put down the glass and take time to relax. Cultivate a positive attitude, enjoy good sleep, music and laughter. See the fun side of life.

5. Time is Precious

Imagine you are born again everyday. Use today gainfully. Live this moment.

6. Accept change

With retirement, you may see many changes in your life in a rapid sequence. Remember the fact that change is the only permanent thing. It is inevitable, so accept changes in life gracefully.

7. Enlightened Self-Interest

We should definitely be grateful to those who stood by us. But our focus should be on the internal satisfaction and happiness we derive by doing good to others, without expecting anything in return.

8. Forgive and Forget

For the sake of our own health and happiness, let's forgive and forget. No point holding a grudge against someone.

9. Acceptance

Take life as it comes. Accept yourself as you are and also accept others for what they are.

10. Overcome Fear of Death

Do not live in constant fear of death. Death is inevitable, everyone has to go through it. So, learn to shed the fear associated with it.

My Child

Here are beautiful lines by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, who has done extensive work on the subject of parenting. She has authored books like Out of Control and The Conscious Parent.

My child isn't my easel to paint,
Nor my diamond to polish!
My child isn't my trophy to flaunt,
Nor my dummy to taunt!
 

My child isn't my badge or my honour,
Nor my respect that he/she must protect!
My child isn't an idea or a fantasy,
Nor my reflection or legacy!
 

My child isn't my puppet or my project,
Nor my pawn or my cadet!

My child is here to fumble & stumble
To get in & out of trouble!
My child is here to try,
To fall & to cry!
 

My child is here to unravel the mysteries,
To educate oneself & rewrite histories!
My child is here to make his/her own choices,
To exercise his/her freewill & experience the consequences!

As a Parent,
My task is to make my child able & capable,
To keep aside my ego & be by his/her side!
My task is to guide & educate,
To let be & not frustrate!
 

My task is allow him/her to ponder,
And see my child grow into a Wonder!

Principles of Nature and Learning

As a youngster, like most school going children I too discovered the power and simplicity of the principle of learning. I found out how I can learn anything by putting in sufficient effort into it. This principle could be applied to acquire knowledge as well as skills. This discovery unleashed a cycle of self-development and gave me the confidence that I can become like anyone I fancy if I put in sufficient effort into learning it. A child is like soft clay, easy to mold into any shape. Hence at that age you get amazing results in whatever area you work on. This is what makes the childhood time real fun, when sky is the limit of the thoughts and dreams.

However, things changed with the passage of time, and I encountered situations when I tried to learn something but it did not work out. At first I thought I have not put adequate effort on my part and tried to do it again with renewed effort with no success. I could not believe my eyes. What I was experiencing was contrary to the principle of learning I had followed so far. I was perplexed with it but had no explanation at that time, so I went ahead with trying out harder and harder.

Years later I found out another principle that no amount of effort and learning can change your basic nature. This principle says that it is futile to try and become what you are not. Be Yourself – you can never become someone else. I could immediately sense the feeling of happiness when I adopted this principle. 

But I was really confused with these two conflicting principles now. Should I follow the Learning Principle and work on improving the areas in my personality that I do not like? Or should I rely on the Nature Principle and just be myself? I could see the evidence in day-to-day life that depending on the situation one or the other principle was effective and this added to the confusion further. I desperately looked for a way to know what I can improve and what I should leave as it is.  

I have been trying to solve this puzzle over the years, but managed to find only a partial answer so far. Have you also faced such a dilemma or am I the only one? Anyway, here is what I have learned about this topic so far. I hope you will find this information useful.

There are certain characteristics that are parts of our basic nature. These characteristics define us, and cannot be changed easily.  For example, our nature tells us if we are shy or outgoing, emotional, optimist or pessimist, loving, helpful and generous, passionate, dedicated and committed, courageous or fearful etc. It controls how we think and feel about something. It also determines our natural reaction to any situation.

There are another set of attributes and behaviors that form our habits and personality. This is the most fertile ground for learning as all habits can be learned or unlearned. This is also most externally visible part of us. It includes habits like positive or negative thinking, getting angry or upset easily, working hard or laziness, helping others, getting up early, get along with others, smoking, managing time well, working with a plan, cleanliness, reading, exercising, saving and financial discipline, etc.

I have found that as a first step, it is vital to take time to understand the different components of your true nature and habits. This information is vital for managing yourself. It works like a “You are Here” point on a map. You can use this information to plan the journey forward.

We have no control on our basic nature, but it is important to know about it. Being aware of our basic nature can be very helpful in dealing with everyday situations. However, if there are parts of your nature that you do not like, do not try to change them – you simply can’t. Remember the Nature Principle.

Now make an inventory of your habits. Identify the habits that you want to change and work on them one at a time. Changing long standing habits is a slow process that needs a lot of time and patience. We choose our habits, so let us work on developing a set of good habits.

Simple? But not easy to practice. Very often, we tend to justify a bad habit as our nature.

“I am lazy, that’s my nature.”
“I smoke, can’t help, that’s me.”

Learn to detect such justifications and stop them. If you accept a bad habit as your nature, you close the doors on any possibility of improvement on that front. A bad habit may even mask an inherent good nature underneath.  For example, one may be friendly by nature, but his bad habit of arguing and picking up fights can make it difficult for him to make friends. Similarly, if one is sincere by nature but lazy in habit, it may impact his ability to finish his work. On the other hand, good habits can help you compensate for your natural flaws. e.g. one may not be generous by nature, but may develop a habit of helping others. So, even if you are unsure how to categorize a trait, it is safer to see it as a habit and try to correct it. 

We cannot control our nature, but we can choose to learn good habits. Imagine you are playing a game of cards. The dealer has shuffled the pack and given you some cards on which you have no control. You may get good hand or not so good one. However, if you play your cards well, you may still win the game.  So focus your energy on playing your best possible game.

Positive Way to Handle Loss

When we face a substantial loss in life, it can be a difficult situation to handle indeed. As we come to know that something that was with us so far is no longer there, it causes us grief. Be it a financial loss, material loss, loss of health, lost relationship, or death of someone close, a loss can have devastating effect on us, leaving us to wonder why it had to happen to us. We refuse to accept it. In most cases we cannot reverse a loss; however, life must go on, so it is vital that we conduct ourselves calmly when faced with such a situation, and eventually come out of the grief caused by it. But it is easier said than done.

Very often, the fear of loss plays a greater havoc on our minds than the actual loss. It turns us into paranoids who worry constantly about each and every possibility of an adversity hitting us. This preoccupation with future robs us of our ability to enjoy our present. 

यहाँ हर शक्स हर पल हादसा होने से डरता है।
खिलौना है जो मिट्टी का फना होने से डरता है।

The best solution for tackling this fear and grief is provided by religion. I am not talking about any specific religion here. Every religion has recognized the need to handle loss, and recommended various ways to deal with it, which basically boil down to the following:

Faith

Have faith in the almighty God who is always on your side – if you have suffered a loss, it is His will, and He knows what He is doing.

Detachment  

Do not develop excessive attachment with wordly belongings that are going to be with you only temporarily.

As an example, see the following excerpts from Geeta that emphasizes the importance of detachment:

तुम्हारा क्या गया, जो तुम रोते हो? तुम क्या लाए थे, जो तुमने खो दिया? जो लिया यहीं से लिया। जो दिया, यहीं पर दिया।  जो आज तुम्हारा है, कल और किसी का था, परसों किसी और का होगा। तुम इसे क्यों अपना समझ कर मग्न हो रहे हो। न यह शरीर तुम्हारा है, न तुम शरीर के हो। यह अग्नि, जल, वायु, पृथ्वी, आकाश से बना है  और इसी में मिल जायेगा। परन्तु आत्मा स्थिर है।

You may or may not be a religious person, but when faced with a loss, give it a try and find out what it can do for you.  Besides religion, we can also use positive thinking to handle a loss and the fear of loss. We can also turn the fear of loss on its head, if we develop a mindset of always being prepared for it. Fear of death need not be the biggest fear in our mind when we realize that every life has to end in death. The day one is born, the countdown begins, then why fear something that has to happen sooner or later?

अरे पगले ये मत सोच कि ज़िन्दगी मे कितने पल हैं
पर ये देख कि हर पल मे कितनी ज़िन्दगी है  

A positive person believes that when we know about the temporary nature of the money, material comforts, health, and relationships, we should make the most of them while we have them. Let us make the best possible use of our life while we are still alive and not waste it away. Let us shower love and care on our loved ones now as we may not have this opportunity tomorrow. Let us enjoy the happiness we have today to the extent possible.

When we go through life with this approach, we develop an attitude of acceptance, and we will not be shocked when faced with a loss, as we will be mentally prepared for it. 

One-on-One with Ganpati Bappa

It is Ganeshotsav time again. We have been doing Ganpati puja for many years, but this year it was special as it gave me an opportunity of a one-on-one talk with Ganpati Bappa. I will try to capture the story of the interesting encounter in this post.

My wife had been busy making preparations for the eagerly awaited event for past few weeks. Though she has a well-oiled process in place by now, yet she takes a lot of pain in the preparations for the puja. Particularly, finding the desired idol is a daunting task that takes several iterations. That’s why I was really relieved when she managed to find a beautiful idol with relative ease this year. It gave us a happy feeling that it is going to be a good puja this year.

However, on the day of puja, something was not quite right inside me. I had been feeling somewhat stressed out lately due to a number of problems and worries that were keeping my mood down. So as I sat down for the puja, I could feel heaviness in my head, a tense body and a tense mind.

My feeling of stress reduced a bit and I gradually calmed down when Panditji started the puja. He has a gentle way of chanting the mantra such that the sounds immediately soothe your mind. He also has a knack of keeping us on our feet by making us recite a mantra, or close our eyes and pray while he chants the mantras. This had a meditation like effect on me, and in less than half an hour, I started feeling much more relaxed.

A couple of hours later when the puja got over I just sat down alone looking at the beautiful face of Ganpati Bappa and saying nothing.

Then Bappa broke the silence, “Something is wrong with you today Sanjay. You do not look your usual self.”

I got startled at first to hear Bappa talk, and took a few seconds to regain my composure. It was not an everyday occurrence that you get to chat with Bappa.

I - with folded hands – “Thanks for gracing our home with your presence Ganpati Bappa. I am sorry I am bothering you with my petty worries. Things are alright with me, nothing wrong. It is just a large number of small problems that have added together to clutter my mind.”    

Bappa -  “What will be life without problems? Why feel down because of the problems?” 

I – “Yes I know and often apply this wisdom while dealing with my problems. But this time, there are too many of them”

Bappa – “Don’t worry too much. Look at the positive side of things and you will feel better.”

I – “That’s the trouble Bappa. I am trying everything I know about positive thinking. It is helpful to some extent, but the clouds of worry keep coming again and again.”

Bappa – with a smile in His eyes - “It is indeed funny to see a champion of positive mindset struggling to conquer his own worries. तूने तो सबको राह दिखाई तू अपनी मंज़िल क्यूं भूला? :)”

 I – with a touch of impatience - “You do not understand. I used to believe that since I spread the message of hope, it will come naturally to me; but this time it is really different. I am down with an onslaught of negative thoughts and despair and it does not help that I have been a champion of hope.”

Bappa – with a wider smile – “I can try to understand if you explain your problem to me.”

I – “I am worried that I may botch up on the new responsibility I have been given in the office, about our approaching old age, about the health of my parents, about the future of my kids, hundreds of nagging unfinished tasks, mounting expenses that have upset the budget, not enough savings, and many more such things.”

Bappa – “Why are you concerned so much? मैं हूँ ना. Give your burden to me. I will set everything right.” 

I – “You have millions of devotees. किस किस का बोझ उठाएगे आप? I have to learn to carry my burden myself.”

Bappa – “I agree that you should take every possible action within your circle of influence. But as far as I know, you are already doing it. Then why worry about things over which you have no control.”

I – “Bappa, I shiver to imagine the consequences if things go wrong. If you want to help, please help me overcome this fear.”

Bappa – “You keep doing what is in your circle of influence. Do not avoid or put off a required action for any reason what-so-ever. Leave the rest of the worries to me. I will do what is in my circle of influence, which as you know has infinite radius.”   

I – “Why do you take everything so lightly? I know from experience that life for us humans is not easy. If you do not walk the tight rope every day, you are sure to fall down.”

Bappa – “Good you mentioned experience. Let us go back in time. Do you remember your situation at puja 15 years back?”

I – “Let me try. That was the year 2000. There was economic uncertainty due to dot com burst. I was worried about my job, old age, kid's future, parents health, savings, finances. Oh yes, when I think of it, my situation at that time was very similar to what it is today, in fact it was much worse as I had little security.”

Bappa – looking closely in my eyes – “Try to recall what you asked me in prayer that year. Did I or did I not fulfill your wishes?”

This statement and the eye contact was His masterstroke. As I strained my memory I could recall that I prayed that year for two categories of wishes:

Must

These were the developments that I desperately wanted to happen in my life, but had no clue how to make them happen.

Nice to Have

These were wishes that were lower in priority but still important enough.

And suddenly I realized that Bappa not only fulfilled all the wishes in my Must and Nice to Have list, but He went beyond it and gave me bliss and happiness in life that were beyond my imagination. This was an eye opener and I suddenly felt a strong surge of gratitude.
I said, “मान गये गणपती बप्पा. You are truely awesome!”

I was all set to heap more praises on Bappa, but got interrupted by a loud sound of chanting of mantras. Suddenly, I woke up from my trance and opened my eyes to find myself with Pandit ji doing the puja. I felt relieved that nobody noticed my transgression. My head was feeling much lighter now, the tension had magically disappeared. I looked at Ganpati Bappa, and there was this familiar mischievous smile in his eyes.

I murmured -  “ऊँ गण गणपतेय नम:।  मान गये गणपती बप्पा. You are truly awesome!”

So, this was the story of my chat with Ganpati in my thoughts that helped me get rid of my worries. I had the itch that my chat with Ganpati Bappa got interrupted at the point when I was about to thank Him and sing praises for Him. So, I am leaving you with this vandana that I sang in His praise afterwards.

 

Emotional Intelligence - an Essential Life Skill

It is widely believed that our success is largely dependent on the level of our intelligence. You can picture that the most intelligent, brainy, and bright people crack all the tests and get all the opportunities to go ahead, while those with lesser IQ stay behind. No doubt IQ is an important factor for our success; however, as we look around, we may spot several contradictions to the belief. We may find many successful people with average intelligence, with a knack of always saying and doing the right thing. Similarly we may come across many bright and intelligent people who are not very successful as they give in to their moods and act impulsively. Is this just a matter of chance or is there something else at play here?

This questions perplexed scientists till they discovered Emotional Intelligence that provided a vital clue to solve this puzzle. They found that our ability to deal well with emotions is an equally vital indicator of our effectiveness. They even carried out studies showing that even if you have a high IQ, you have a small chance of outperforming those who have high Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Thus Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is more important for success than IQ. It is an essential life skill that was not very well understood and acknowledged till recently. Can we measure EQ? Can we do something to improve our EQ? Fortunately, the answer is yes for both the questions.

Emotional Intelligence is broadly defined as our ability to understand and manage our own emotions and the emotions of others. Dr Travis Bradberry and Dr Jeans Greaves have been actively providing training to people on how to enhance Emotional Intelligence, and they have captured their knowledge in a very useful book titled “Emotional Intelligence 2.0”. I strongly recommend this book to everyone who wants to work on EQ enhancement. According to the authors, any stimulus first triggers an emotion in us, and we humans are hardwired to give an impulsive, automatic, emotional reaction to it. The automatic reaction is not the optimal response required in most cases. So, replacing the automatic reaction with a conscious, carefully thought out response as a matter of habit is the skill that we need to build.

What I liked most about this book is that Drs Bradberry and Greaves have created this book not as a work of theory, but as a self-paced practical training program to improve your Emotional Intelligence. The reader is introduced to the constituent skills of Emotional Intelligence and encouraged to take up an on-line test at the start to find his EQ score. He also gets a customized recommendation about which skill he should work on first to get maximum benefit. For improving each of the skills, the book gives a number of practical strategies that can be applied in everyday life. So, from a passive reader, you turn into an active participant in the improvement process. After you have worked on the program for a few months, you are encouraged to take the EQ test again and verify your progress. Needless to say, even before you take the second test, you can start seeing the benefits of the improved EQ in everyday life.

According to the book, Emotional Intelligence has following four component skills:

Self-awareness

Self-awareness is our ability to understand our emotions and our automatic reaction to a situation under the emotion. This is the first and the most fundamental emotional intelligence skill. Very often, we do not become aware of the fact that we are reacting under the influence of a strong emotion. When do we feel angry, frustrated, impatient, excited, or elated? What triggers these emotions in us and how do we feel when have these emotions? How do we naturally react?  We become aware of our emotions as soon as we start observing our thoughts and behavior, and it paves the way for us to leverage our emotions constructively.

    

Self-management

Self-management is about taking time to think when we are hit by emotions, and produce a careful response in place of the automatic emotional reaction. As we apply some thought to the situation, it already starts to improve our ability to come out with a better response. Remember, we are not talking about suppressing the emotion altogether. The fact that we experienced an emotion, can provide us with some valuable information. Instead of killing the emotion and losing this information, we want to stay in sufficient control to carefully think and do what makes most sense in the given situation.

Social awareness

Social awareness is about being able to understand the emotions of others around us. What are they feeling about the situation? What are the emotions they are going through? Why are they saying or doing something? What are the verbal cues they are giving out, and what are the non-verbal cues visible from their body language, tone, expressions, etc? The single most important technique to improve social awareness is to listen intently to others. Drop all other thoughts from mind when you carefully listen to the other person with a sincere intent to understand.

Relationship management

Finally, it comes to managing your interactions with others well. You can easily see that good relationship management can make you more effective at work, home, and with friends. Armed with the first three skills, you take the steps necessary to have a positive interaction with others and use it to build up a healthy relationship over time. In case of a clash of opinion, you use this skill to manage your emotions and have a constructive dialog for a mutually agreeable solution.

Sharpen your Emotional Intelligence - Today

If you have not yet consciously thought about your Emotional Intelligence, now is the time to do so. Do take time to read and learn about it as much as you can. If you think there is a need to improve it, work on the improvements. It is never too late to develop this skill, and it promises a more rewarding and fulfilling life to you.

Since Emotional Intelligence is such an important skill, ideally it should be taught in schools so that kids master this essential skill very early in life. Unfortunately, the academic world is single-mindedly focused on test grades and academic achievement, and the soft-skills are often neglected in the process or given a lip service at best.

While the education system takes time to wake up to the importance of Emotional Intelligence, let us make effort to educate ourselves thoroughly about it and help our kids to develop a healthy EQ, an essential life skill that will go a long way to make them successful.

Good news is that today’s generation Y already has better EQ than what I had when I was young. It can be a sign of the times, an effect of gradual evolution, or a result of their better social connectivity; whatever is the reason, I am not complaining.  

What is all this Stuff about Relationships?

Famous psychologist Abraham Maslow said that love and a sense of belonging is an essential need for human beings. As much as we need food and water for nourishment of body, we need love to nourish our heart.  Relationship with family and friends is a great source of love, but its a double edge sword. Sometime it can also cause us a lot of pain when it does not work out.

Naturally we all wish to keep our relationships in a healthy state, but inter-personal relationship is such a complex subject that the delicate relationship may go haywire within no time if we are not careful. How do we maintain our relationships healthy? I have been searching for an answer to this question for many years and have written several posts on this topic based on my readings and experiences. This post is a collection of all the ideas that I gathered along the way.

When we talk about relationships, most of us imagine only marriage or love relationships, and we tend to take for granted our relationship with parents, siblings, relatives, or co-workers; but we need to put in equal amount of care with these as well else these too carry the risk of becoming defunct.
Here are the suggestions for keeping your relationships in a good shape:

Keep good Balance in Emotional Bank Account

Emotional Bank Account represents the trust between the two of you. Simply put, when you show love, care, and understanding, you make a deposit in the Emotional Bank Account, and when you make the other person unhappy with your actions, it causes a withdrawal. If you maintain a healthy balance in this account, you will have enough trust to withstand minor breaches. So, take time to regularly make small deposits and soon you will accumulate a good balance.

Take time to Understand

Most often we complain that the other person does not understand us, and spend a lot of effort in making ourselves understood. Do we also take pain to understand him too? Try your best to understand first, then work on making yourself understood. Don’t rely on your assumptions about the other person. Make a habit to listen and observe carefully to develop a sound understanding about him.   

Control your Anger

Leave the Angry Young Man for the movies. Anger does funny things to you. It makes you behave in ways that you really don’t want to and results in a damage to a relationship that cannot be undone. Learning to recognize your anger and control it is the most important skill you need to work on. This is also useful in increasing your effectiveness in many other areas of your day-to-day life.

Learn to sort out Differences

No two persons think alike and you are bound to have differences. We need to know how to handle such differences constructively, free of excess emotions. A useful tip for the ‘brainy’ people who like to argue with people to prove themselves right - Avoid doing it; you may win the argument but lose a friend. 

Behave well when Hurt

Once-in-a-while you may lend up getting hurt and feeling bad. It is important to control your emotions in such a case and handle it in a constructive manner. Above all be ready to let it go by forgiving the person who has caused the hurt, since forgiveness is for your own good. Similarly, recognize when you have hurt someone and apologize sincerely.

CRTL-ALT-DEL

In spite of our best efforts, a relationship may get so much entangled that it looks beyond repair. What to do in such a case? Do we bailout and end the relationship, put up with the messy situation, or take pains to discuss and resolve the issue? The answer depends on the situation. First of all ask yourself, “Is this relationship important for me?” If the answer is yes, take time to discuss, understand and resolve. However, at times the best strategy is to reboot the relationship, erase the past memories of painful interaction, and start a new chapter. This can give you the quickest and most effective way to bring back a derailed relationship on track. However, remember that it will work only if you have forgiven the person, are willing to forget the painful episode, and let go of the emotion of hurt associated with it.

How do you know that all this is practical wisdom and not an armchair prescription? Look around you and you will find these ideas in everyday use. Let me narrate an experience I went through as an example.

My relationship with a close relative Hritik (name changed) had not been going too well. I believe some of my bad actions must have made him upset with me and then he did something equally bad that made me see red. I do not know if it was in retaliation, but I fear the worst in the absence of any information. Now here were the two of us, nursing strong emotions against each other in our hearts, and hoping that someone will set the matter right for us. We did not talk much about it, and held on to our grudges silently. I knew that if we apologize or have a dialog, it will easily set the matter right, but we did not care to do it since both of us were equally angry.

The situation was not really good since this was a kind of constant load that we were carrying in our hearts. The passage of time also helped in blunting the sharp edge of our emotions. We do not live in the same city, so we did not have to be face-to-face often, still I really wished that we could get over it somehow, and Hritik must have shared the same sentiment too. Given this background, when we got an opportunity to meet in person again, I decided not to waste any time in discussing my past grudges, but apply a CRTL-ALT-DEL to reboot our relationship. As I went about it, to my surprise, I sensed an equal willingness on Hritik’s part to go along. We made a fresh beginning successfully on that occasion and it lifted a huge load from my mind. Did we get back to the same level of closeness as we had before? Maybe not, but the most important gain was that we got back a working relationship from its defunct status, and I felt really happy about it afterwards.

Inter-personal relationship is too involved a topic to be covered in just a few bullets, and there are many more aspects to it. However, you need not be inundated with all this complexity. Be sincere, follow your heart, and have empathy – it should generally be enough to help sail through it smoothly. Above all, take time to experience the wonderful feelings of love when the going is good. It will give you motivation for restoring a derailed relationship.    

Don’t be a Victim of Success

Who doesn’t like the sweat taste of success? We all aspire for succeeding in different walks of life like studies, career, sports, family or social life. Every now and then, we come across a successful outcome. Success makes us happy, lifts our spirits, boosts our confidence in our abilities, and motivates us to go further. At times anticipation of success drives us to give our 100% to a task. 

You may ask, “If success does so much good to us, can we ever be a victim of our own success?” The answer is yes. There is a fine dividing line beyond which the positive motivation of achievement turns into a compelling obsession. When we cross this line, we become a victim of our own success. We end up in a relentless chase of success, which eludes us. At this point, accomplishment ceases to be a source of joy. I have experienced this phenomenon many times in my own case, and I shudder to think about the damage it did. I would strongly recommend everyone to avoid crossing this line consciously, and if it does happen inadvertently, pull yourself back as soon as possible to minimize its negative impact on you. Look for the following symptoms that are a sure sign that you are chasing success as a victim:

• You measure achievement by external factors such as approval of others, number of likes on social network, examination grades, medal in a competition, etc.
• You are so strongly focused on chasing publicly visible accomplishment, that you are in a hurry to go ‘public’ with your work, and do not take time to refine it to the required degree.
• You start trying quick-fix methods to win, giving up the step-by-step approach, since it is ‘too slow’.
• You stop enjoying the journey, with the complete focus on the destination. Particularly, watch if your language has more words about winning and fewer words about trying.

The most recent example of the harmful impact of this phenomenon is the case of current government, who seem to have become a victim of its unprecedented success in multiple elections, followed by many successful decisions like 370 removal, resolution of Ram Janmbhumi issue, etc. They are now trying hard to replicate this success in handling of the strong opposition to CAA - NRC. Only time will tell how they emerge from this situation.

We can take a lesson from Aam Aadmi Party as well; after its unprecedented success in 2013 Delhi assembly elections, we  saw the damage they did to their cause by committing mistakes after mistakes in a desperate bid to repeat their performance in 2014 general elections. Possibly AAP would have managed to win more seats had they contested the general election as a new party, not worrying about their past success. Only recently they realized the importance of dedicating their efforts towards improvements in Delhi, not worrying about other states.

Let me take a few more examples to illustrate this point further.

• Take the example of an athlete who wins a gold medal in her first appearance at Olympics. She wishes to repeat the debut success in the next games, but fails in the qualifying round. The desperation to win again does not help her at all. In the extreme case, this chase of past glory may force her to try out unfair means like drugs.
• When a student who has managed good grades in college approaches a real world job as another examination, it is not likely to work. He may try to apply his tried and tested approach even more vigorously to replicate his achievement. Again the desperation to succeed does not help him in his goal at all.
• Imagine a budding music band that enjoys their music and comes out with song compositions at times. One of their songs goes viral on social network and becomes very popular. They become so motivated with this unexpected success that they want to replicate and even surpass it. The problem starts when the band shifts its focus from enjoying music to producing another super hit that eludes them. They are desperate to come out with another hit, but it does not yield the desired result.

In short, when you let your glory of past and worry of future ruin the happiness of present, you are a victim of your success. Now that we know how to recognize it, what can we do to avoid it or to break free from the destructive pattern?  Here are some ideas that has worked for me. I hope you will also find some of these useful.

One more Chance

First of all, give yourself one more chance to try and win. Maybe your failure was a temporary thing and you are all set to succeed if you try once more. But do not invest too much emotional stake in the outcome. Be prepared to accept it calmly if it does not work.

Let go

Do not keep holding your past achievements tightly, let go of it. It is time to forget everything about your past glory and start afresh. Your past accomplishments should become just a pleasant memory and it should not continue to keep influencing your present. If things go well, maybe you can repeat it, maybe not. It really doesn’t matter in the long run.

Action not Outcome

Do not worry too much about the results and stop relying on external measure for your success. Devise your own internal yardstick to determine how well you have done. Above all, enjoy the action and the process of doing it. Do not kill the joy of today by worrying about the outcome of tomorrow.

Principle of Farm

Remember the principle that a farm needs careful cultivation before it yields a good crop. Similarly, there are no shortcuts in life. Any significant achievement needs lots of preparation and careful development. Therefore, give up the quick fix approach and opt for sustained effort. A sincere effort may not bring you instant success, but it will go a long way to move you  in the right direction. Look objectively to find out if you need to do something differently. Be patient and give it the time that it deserves.

These are a few suggestions I have. You may find that some of your own ideas work better in your case. The most important point I want to stress again is that we must be able to recognize when we have become a victim of our own success, and should do everything possible to pull out of the dangerous situation.

Fourteen Inspirational Stories

I recently came cross this collection of beautiful short stories each of which is worth reading, feeling and sharing with  others. The interesting part is that these while the stories are as small as a tweet, they still packs a strong punch of inspiration.

1. Fall and Rise

Today, when I slipped on the wet tile floor a boy in a wheelchair caught me before I slammed my head on the ground. He said, “Believe it or not, that’s almost exactly how I injured my back 3 years ago.

 2. A father's advice

Today, my father told me, “Just go for it and give it a try! You don’t have to be a professional to build a successful product. Amateurs started Google and Apple. Professionals built the Titanic

3. The power of uniqueness.

Today, I asked my mentor – a very successful business man in his 70’s – what his top 3 tips are for success. He smiled and said, “Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do something no one else is doing.

4. Looking Back

Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I’m working on for my Psychology class. When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said, “Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile.

5. Try and you shall know

I am blind by birth. When I was 8 years old, I wanted to play baseball. I asked my father, "Dad, can I play baseball?" He said, "You'll never know until you try." When I was a teenager, I asked him, "Dad Can I become a surgeon?". He replied, "Son, you'll never know until you try." Today I am a Surgeon, just because I tried!

6. Goodness and Gratitude

Today, after a 72 hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me at the grocery store and gave me a hug. When I tensed up, she realized I didn’t recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most sincere smile and said, “On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center.”

7. Love Conquers Pain

Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying. And just before he died, he licked the tears off my face.

8. A Door Closes to Open Another

Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so I went into work. At 3 PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat tire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too. A man in a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job. I start tomorrow.

9. Looking Back

Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my mother’s hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died. She simply said, “I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often.”

10. Affection

Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small hospital bed. About 5 seconds after he passed, I realized it was the first time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.

11. Innocence

Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, “Why?” She replied, “So you can help me save the planet.” I chuckled again and asked, “And why do you want to save the planet?” “Because that’s where I keep all my stuff,” she said.

12. Joy

Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter’s antics, I suddenly realized that I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.

13. Kindness

Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutches with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me. He helped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said, “I hope you feel better soon.”.

14. Sharing

Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe. He said he hadn’t eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy. Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was eating. The first thing the man said was, “We can share it.”

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About this Post

Thanks a lot Ashish Jain for sending the message that became the basis of this post.