B+ (Be Positive)

Recently I came across the following post on Facebook:

Expect nothing from others and you'll never be disappointed.
Truth of my life - I stay happy as I never expect anything from others.

This post triggered interesting thoughts and discussion. There is a lot of truth in it. All of us are familiar with the shattering feelings of pain when someone close to us ditches our hopes. Many relationships break down due to belied expectations. Hence it is not unreasonable to connect expectations with disappointments and failed relationships. We may say that relationship without expectations is likely to last longer.

However, there is another side of this picture as well. Let us not forget the immense satisfaction we get when a loved one meets our anticipation. Close relationships are built on the foundation of interdependence, a beautiful way of life allowing us to have expectations from each other and fulfill them. Hence, expectations are part of relationships and if they are reasonable, they are good. Without exciting things to look forward to, a relationship may last longer but won't be strong or close.

So, should we take the risk and have expectations to spice up our relationship or should we play it safe with a no expectations policy to avoid heartbreaks? Is there a way we can have both – enjoy the tadka of anticipation in our close relationship without the accompanying risk? I don’t know the answer myself, but let me try to collect some ideas in this post in search of an answer.

If we look back at our close relationships, we have come across many happy instances of people delighting us by fulfilling or even exceeding expectations, as well as bitter memories of people not meeting our expectations. Let me try to analyze these two cases separately. I will take the happy case first and try to recall the situations when my expectations were met. Every situation may be unique but I notice the following common pattern in all these instances:

The person cared enough about me.
He was aware of the fact that I expected something.
We worked together to make him understand clearly what was expected from him and agreed upon it.
He was capable of doing it if he made a reasonable attempt.
If the result fell short of my expectations in-spite of the efforts, I appreciated his efforts and accepted the outcome. If necessary, I encouraged him to attempt again and stayed patient.

Now let me take the bitter case, when the belied expectations have hurt my feelings and try to find the common reasons behind it:

1. Closet Expectations

Very often, I did not tell the other person that I am anticipating something from him. This seems to me that the most common reason behind belied expectations. It is so simple yet so elusive. I expected a close one to read my mind or body language and did not tell him directly what I wanted. Now that I know this, I can fix it by communicating my expectation to others and not keeping it a secret.

2. Unclear Expectations

In some cases, I conveyed my anticipation in somewhat vague terms. Hence the other person did not have a clear understanding of what I expected. Here again I made assumptions that he had an implicit understanding of what I wanted, so I did not take pain to communicate and clarify expectations.
In a close relationship, it is helpful to clarify expectations regularly, and it also makes the relationship stronger. Hence, the key to fix this factor is in my hands as well.

3. Unreasonable Expectations

In a few instances, I expected too much from a close one, which was either not possible for him to meet, or not reasonable for me to expect. A close relationship is not a license for me to impose my whims and fancies on the other person. I need to have a healthy respect for him, and when I violate this rule, I am asking for heartache.

4. Lack of Acceptance

At times, I was in situations when the other person tried his best but failed to come up to my expectations. There should not be any emotion involved here, but I made it an emotionally charged issue by not accepting the situation.

5. Surge of Emotions

In all the above cases, I tied up my happiness to this expectation, and hence I felt a surge of bitter emotions – disappointment, hatred, anger that made me unhappy. It is this factor that makes it risky to have expectations. If only I can learn to detach my happiness from the outcome, a failed expectation will no longer be a shattering experience for me. In other words, I would have learned how to handle the downside. Is it easy to separate out emotions? Definitely not, but given the benefits, it is worth to try it out.

Going through this analysis has clarified my thinking, and the following picture seems to be emerging for effective handling of expectations:

Reduce the risk. Never attach a high emotional stake to an expectation. Resolve to be happy irrespective of the outcome.
Work with the other person positively towards success – communicate and clarify your expectations, help him in his efforts. Accept him and be patient if he falls short.

And here is how it fits on the two sides of the picture we talked about earlier:

Side A

It is best to do away with expectations with high emotional stake attached to them (a demand) as it can have a destructive impact. A relationship is likely to last longer without such demands.

Side B

Expecting and Accepting are part of a healthy relationship. When high emotional stakes are taken out, a close relationship can get better with proper play of expectations. Not all expectations have to be met. So long as our expectations do not become demands, and we know how to deal with the failed ones, it works out fine.

Armed with this knowledge, from now on I am going to try “safe expectations” in my close relationships and hope I would never have to use the following lines with a close one :)

न मै तुमसे कोइ उम्मीद रखूँ दिलनवाज़ी की, न तुम मेरी तरफ देखो गलत अन्दाज़ नज़रो से

About This Post

From this discussion, it should be clear that managing expectations plays a major role in a close relationship. So, if you are on the other side, make every effort to uncover, clarify, and understand the expectations that the other person has from you. Do not shy away from making promises and take your promises seriously and keep your word at all costs. This is a sure fire way to build up your emotional bank account reserves.
रिश्तों की चाय में शक्कर ज़रा माप के ही रखना! फीकी हुई तो स्वाद नही आएगा और ज्यादा मीठी हुई तो मन भर जाएगा

In March 2014 we went on a short family trip to Mussoorie, popularly known as the Queen of Hill Stations. Being close by, Mussoorie has been our favorite destination and though we have visited it very often, every trip turns out to be very pleasant due to the great climate, scenic locations, and easy going life typical of a hill station. It is also a must to visit its most popular attraction, Gun Hill which is the second highest peak here. With a height of more than 2000 m, it offers an enchanting view of some of the highest Himalayan ranges, and gives a picturesque view of hill town and Doon Valley. An integral part of this fun is a 400 m thrilling ropeway ride from Mall Road to the hill.

So one day during this trip we got in to the ropeway cable car to go to Gun Hill. There were eleven passengers in the car, the three of us, a group of four college kids, an old Punjabi couple, and a very young couple who appeared to be on their honeymoon. As the Cable Car started its slow journey with a mild jerk, all of us started enjoying the view outside quietly, but the four kids started chatting and joking with each other loudly, even using foul language at times. In no time they let us know with their loud comments that their nick names are Raju, Viki, Chandru, and Subbu. We tried hard to ignore their banter but it was getting increasingly hard to take away attention from them. Apparently Subbu was being teased by other three for being a panauti – a source of misfortune. Viki was recalling the times when they had to face trouble because of Subbu. The three of them were unanimous in their view that given Subbu’s track record, something bad is going to happen to them today as well. Chandru said,”I am scared that the Cable Car is going to fall down today.” Similarly, other people added their own projections about what may go wrong with the ride because of the ill effects of Subbu, who seemed to be enjoying all the attention and did not mind it at all. All this noise was beginning to get irritating for the rest of us in the Cable Car.

Suddenly there was a power failure and the Cable Car came to a halt. This gave further ammunition to the kids' mischief. Subbu said in a boastful tone,”See, don’t underestimate the power of my panauti.” Other kids started acting scared and made scary comments. Raju said, “The ropeway has developed a snag. We are stuck here for the whole day.” Chandru was next to go, ”Guys, be prepared to use the rope to climb down.” Viki shouted hysterically,”Oh God, this is going to fall and we will all die”

The rest of us in the cable car were initially amused at this behavior. We were assured that the power backup would be switched on soon and the cable car will resume its journey. However, as minutes ticked away and nothing happened, we started getting nervous too. I could see the faces of the young couple turning white with fear. The old couple was also watching this drama silently but conveying discomfort through their expressions. We sincerely wished that the kids stop their prank. But there was no stopping these mischievous kids, who were apparently enjoying the influence they had on the audience. They spotted some people in a hotel 20 meters below the Cable Car and started yelling Help! Help! in a bid to attract their attention.

This was turning into an ugly scene now. Our feelings were gradually changing from annoyance to fear. Suddenly, the old lady started to chant Hanuman Chalisa in a hushed tone. This strengthened the feeling that we are in some kind of crisis.

Finally we heaved a sigh of relief when the power got restored and the car started moving again. The ordeal would have lasted for just about five minutes, however, it felt like a long nightmare, and I was convinced that the main reason behind it was the insensitive antics of the kids. I did not want to be with such unruly kids again, so when we reached up and started to come out, I could not stop myself from telling them, “I do not want to be in the same car with you on the return journey”. They just shrugged it off and went away laughing and chatting.

By the time we returned from Gun Hill, it was late in the evening, and there was a long queue to get into the Cable Car. While I was waiting there, I noticed that the same four kids were standing right next to us in the queue. It was a certainty that we would land up in the same car again, something that I did not want. While my heart was revolting at this thought, I got so worked up inside that it felt as if I might burst out, giving the kids a piece of my mind. Since that would not be an appropriate behavior, I desperately looked to find a way to handle this situation positively. I thought of many options but nothing seemed to work. Finally I decided to try Paradigm Change. I looked at the kid’s behavior from their point of view. “What do these kids really want? They are a bunch of normal fun-loving people, who are out to make the most of their trip. As a college student, I have played such pranks as well and I know that it is just for fun. They certainly do not mean any harm.”

When I looked at it in this manner, suddenly my emotions calmed down and I felt much better. Finally we got into the Cable Car and started our downward journey. The kids were a little exhausted by now, but as expected, they started their discussion around the panauti along the familiar lines.

By now, I was actually enjoying their mischief, so I turned to Subbu and reminded him mockingly, ”Remember how your panauti failed last time in front of Hanuman Chalisa? Go ahead, try your best. Nothing is going to happen to this car”. The kids had a hearty laugh and soon we got engaged in an interesting discussion drifting away from the talks of panauti. The return journey went without event and it felt as if it was very short.

This episode made me think and left me with an important lesson. I knew that Paradigm Shift is a powerful tool of positive thinking in dealing with others, but this incidence was a live proof of the fact. When I tried to see things from the other person’s point of view, it gave me a completely fresh perspective of the situation, and I could handle it in a much better way.

About this post
This post is based on a real life incidence. I do not remember the names of the kids, hence I have used fictitious names, but I have tried to capture the other details as it happened.